Need Insights Please

A long-standing member of the PA club here.

So very sorry to hear you had this experience. I know that had to be a difficult and ugly roller coaster of emotion to be on. Obviously, my opinions are based solely on what you've stated here. But I would say that this is a gentleman who really needs to get some things straightened out in his life before anything else.

The fact that he disclosed his problem is honorable in that he was putting it out front early in the relationship. He wanted you to know what you were getting into, and I give him credit for that. But personally, if I wasn't married, I would not even date until I had this thing licked. I've done too much personal damage to my partner and would never do that to another woman. I think you would only be setting yourself up for a lot of pain if you got involved at this stage of his life.

I'm happy to hear that you talked with your therapist and got some understanding of this addiction. That says a lot about you that you were open to learning more about it and not running away the education.

Regarding his e-mail: If it's as you say, then I would recommend that you run. Period. Calling you names is one thing. Threatening lawsuits and using vitriolic language is another. It sounds like he may be having a lot of difficulties with processing his addiction. The fact that one minute he opens up to you, then the next he's threatening you and calling you nasty names suggests something very deep-rooted might be going on here. Something maybe even deeper than a porn addiction.

So it sounds like you already did approach him and expressed your feelings about him and he shot you down with a machine gun. I think the best you can do at this point is wait it out. Perhaps he will see the error of his response and come back with hat in hands.

I understand this is an ugly position to be put in. So try to do something for yourself today. Something relaxing that you enjoy. Something that puts you in a good place. Whatever happens, take care of yourself mentally.

Good luck,
-BD

 

I don't know what you said to him, but his reaction sounds over the top to me. It would make me take a step back. I wonder if he is recovering or still an active addict. I would really think twice about getting involved with him, I know that I could never knowingly get involved with another PA. That may sound harsh to some but a lot of damage has been done over the years due to my BF's addiction.

 

Who in their right mind would? Unless they have been clean for years, it's a minefield of pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

 

Welcome and visit often. There's a lot to take away from this place. It never ceases to be informative and inspirational for me in many ways.

 

Run. Run as far away as fast as you can. It's been one month. He told you and, unless you are leaving out a huge part of the story, he attacked you completely unprovoked as you were trying to process the information. Is this how you want to begin a relationship with someone? Fighting and on the defensive? You are in the prime of your life. You have raised your kids and deserve to be with someone that you do not have to fight this hard to be happy with.

I have told my husband that if something ever happens to him, I will never be with another addict as long as I live. That may be that I will never be with another person, and that's fine. This fight is too hard, too emotional, and too draining. The only reason I'm here now is because I've got more than 20 years invested in this marriage, we have children who need us together (even the one that is grown) and I knew his heart before I knew the addiction. But I would never, ever, ever go into a relationship knowing there is an addiction. Not knowing this tough road ahead. And my husband has never attacked me the way you describe or been mean spirited or unkind. Those are all red flags telling you to high tail it NOW.
As the others have said, you have come to the right place for support. You deserve better.


I hope you have a Happy Birthday.