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Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Tested, Feb 1, 2017.

  1. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Yeah friends are hard when you naturally introverted and quiet, but I have a few although they don't know about N F or why I am here..... Day 16 today, clean. My kids are with me, been great to see them.

    Dr G how is your NF experience going?
     
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  2. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

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    On Day 4, which stinks because it would have been ~ Day 66. But overall, as time passes, the gaps have been getting wider and wider. Last year was definitely the cleanest since... childhood, I suppose. ugh, scary to say that. Have never married, no kids, but my whole life right now feels like I'm starting over from scratch, which is rough but maybe a blessing in a hideous disguise. So... I kind of can relate in a way.

    I consider myself an introvert as well. About about a week ago, I bumped into a "friend" who is the opposite, hyperactively so, and it has taken this long for me to get rid of that drained, chaotic feeling I get with some people who "mean well" but kind of drive me nuts a bit. Lol, keeps it interesting. Kind of let it get to me too much. I feel like I'm the "giver" a lot, and when I look to see who's there when I need someone to lean on, well... I'm learning to be a bit more stoic about it and stand on my own, and be more selfless in loving others.

    Just keep up the good work! Being a father is one of the best things in the world a man can do, and one thing to give everything you have for. They will always love you deep down, and always remember you. Always tell them that you love them.
     
  3. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Yeah that is hard, day 66 and back to the start. I've done that often, I had two periods of sobriety of over 180 days, then an argument with my wife led to inner turmoil and relapse, and more bearing myself up. I'm now at day 18 and I think flat lining. These are hard heavy yards, coping with marriage separation, a new home, new area, new town (not far from my kids), would be hard anyway but throw in this addiction / recovery story.... Really hard. I am crying out for a dopamine hit but it cannot come from P. That has to be the end after 25 years. How long have you had this issue?
     
  4. skeptical

    skeptical Fapstronaut

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    If youre talking about flatlining, this guy speaks about his flatline but he is not in a marriage or something but he explains the effects pretty well, id suggest to give it a look and hopefully it will be to some extent helpful, hope you will do great man and dont give up, trust me, if you ever make it through with nofap you will gain more than you can imagine!

     
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  5. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Hmmm thanks for the video, that was a good one to listen to. I don't know if I am flat lining or not, I noticed a woman at the gym and a flash of desire occurred, but in other respects the depression and feelings of brokenness remain very real, I am now getting near 5 years on anti-depressants............ For the past two + the strongest they can give me. Doctors just keep wanting me on the pills, and I have been for two rounds of talking therapy, nothing has worked. It is the P; I did admit this to one of the therapists and she was a good listening post but in terms of moving the needle, it did not stick. I was sober during most of the therapy time, I think it was 12 weeks, but we started to go around in circles and I felt it was becoming really an expensive talking shop, at my expense, without much value, so I stopped it. This desperate feeling of brokenness can only be improved I realise by total avoidance of P and M and since i have lost my wife to separation, to O as well, which I am finding a devastating aspect. I am going to have to become way more determined, more disciplined than ever, and set much longer time frames on this whole recovery process, it is going to take me maybe years. Today has been day 19, sober, but not happy.
     
  6. Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

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    It seems like you're doing all the right things. Getting out of that situation, and this 'blank slate' that you now have, while it might induce a kind of 'transition shock,' is a massive leap forward and I look at it as an incredible opportunity to reshape your life. Your brain is adapting to tons of newness, so that actually might help the rewiring process, if you stay the course. It seems pretty normal to me to not feel great when a person hits rock bottom.

    If you were Catholic I'd say the frequent the sacraments as often as possible, and talk to a solid priest about the anointing of the sick.

    If you get into running, you can swap addictions and go for the runner's high from endorphins, which can really work wonders on one's capacity for joy.

    You might get some decent accountability partners on here. I'm not often able to get to a keyboard, and this stubborn thing autocompletes my words incorrectly, which is frustrating and restrictive.

    Also, spending time with animals can really heal the soul as well. Maybe a pet would help. A dog can be a good jogging and walking buddy as well.
     
  7. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, interesting reply.

    I'm living in an apartment, work full time at an office, having a pet - no - he would be on his own way too much.

    Yes it is transitional. I can shape my life independently which is a strange feeling. It is in many ways like leaving prison I would imagine. Strange, exciting, a bit stressful. Day 20. I don't feel great, pretty unsettled and itchy feet. But I am going to keep clean.
     
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  8. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Day 21 still OK. Sober. But flat.
     
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  9. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Day 21. I feel that I am coming to the end of the first phase. Now I am really getting jumpy and edgy because I am living alone, have no wife any more, and living a monks life. This is where my self discipline is going to be tested, I can feel my stomach tightening at times as my body is in withdrawl. Going to need support.
     
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  10. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    day 22; still edgy. But a bit calmer. But not much. I keep thinking about the quote about going into the future, go 10 years into the future, it is a terrifying thing to do given my last ten years, the pain, the secret addiction, the tiredness, the shame, the guilt. But I have to wash that away now, that has to be dead to me, that poison cannot re-emerge or I think it will kill me. It is a long long way to back to life and health, and I quite honestly I might be broken, not fixable, but I have to believe that time can heal, that I can be whole again, live again, love again.
     
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  11. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Day 23. Getting more determined now to keep going. Starting to take the gym more seriously. Thinking of buying some proper running shoes for the first time ever and running say 2 x a week. I am developing a new seriousness about life; about writing some affirmations, about making decisions that I will have a great house, and friends, and a good life now. I don't have many friends at all and I live in an apartment for now. Staying sober.
     
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  12. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Day 24. Getting tough now. Body really wants dopamine. Going to have to work harder at writing my schedule down. But I CAN get to day 30 and beyond. Might be joining N F Premium this weekend possibly, the $10 may be worth it.
     
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  13. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Day 25; tough going at present. Really low, miserable, life feels like it has gone wrong. I did see my daughter today which was great. But still, I am alone and living alone for after many years of marriage.... This is super hard. I'm not stopping NF. But zero dopamine is hard. I making more effort to go to the gym but that does not make me feel any better. Maybe this is the start of the flat line. Can someone teach out and give me a hug? Ha.
     
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  14. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

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    Hang in there. Just remind yourself that if you do relapse for a dopamine high, that it is a temporary high that will only last for two seconds and those low, miserable feelings won't go away, they will remain with additional pain added. Dopamine aside, can you trace where these low/depressed feelings came from? Has there been stresses or anxieties going through your mind? And how are your daily living habits? Are you making sure to get out for fresh air every now then? A walk can really help.
     
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  15. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Daily habits are OK I think. it feels like I have failed at life because of this dire addiction. Either leaving the marriage was huge self sabotage or, as I told other people, to get away from an abusive marriage, maybe a bit of both in reality. I think I was emotionally abused; to stop the pain I took back to P after the first three years of marriage were clean. I stopped feeling, I was numb. Now I am feeling, I think the P blocked all this and these new feelings of pain and regret and loss are magnified because I don't have the drug anymore. If that makes sense. Saying that I am on anti dep meds for the past near five years..... Ah dear what a state to be in..... P what a nightmare product you are.
     
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  16. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

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    I just read through your thread to try to understand. Man, you've had it really tough. I can understand... You're definitely in a transitioning phase right now, things are changing and in the end you are going to change, too. Honestly you're doing a lot already that is fantastic, going to the gym, exercise, getting out, you're trying really hard. You should do more of that, getting out, experiencing life, spend time with friends, confide in them if that's possible, you don't have to bottle up how you feel and keep things a secret, you can tell and you'd be surprised how supportive and understanding people can be when you make them aware that you have a problem and you're hurting.

    I think most of us here that have this problem feel like we haven't lived life as well as we should have. This addiction is a parasite that sucks the life out of those affected by it, it just takes and consumes until there is nothing left. Please know that you are not alone in this, we're all at rock bottom with you. I don't think you can see it right now, but you sound like self-sufficient, independent guy that actually has his shit together on the outside, you have things handled and work hard. I would definitely want to have a friend like you in my life.

    I have never been married, but I had a relationship that meant very much to me in the past that lasted four/five years. I remember when it ended, how devastated I felt and how lonely I felt. It really is so strange to have had someone in your life for so many years, and then suddenly they aren't there, it's like there is constantly something missing and it is very lonely. You are even in a new place yourself, you're dealing with a lot. This must be quite the shock to your system. But, I wanted to tell you that this loneliness that you're feeling, this brokenness, if you give it time, it does pass. Right now, it can be hard to see anything outside of your pain, but trust me, my friend, the sky still exists, the stars are still there, the sun is still beaming down on you, the grass and the trees are still growing, the birds are still chirping - life is still open to you, and it wants you to step into the light again, it wants you to embrace it and start to live again. This will take time, but mindfulness and breathing is very helpful, try to spend time out of your mind and just breathe, feel the breeze on your skin, connect with nature, go out for walks as much as possible (a daily walk is really good for clearing your head). You can get through this, and when you do, life will open up to you in ways you never imagined, you have such a bright future ahead of you.

    I can also relate to feeling again after having been numb for so long. This is also happening to me. Please see this as part of the recovery process. These feelings and emotions are things you need to feel and learn how to manage in a healthy way. PMO has bottled up our emotions and emotionally trapped us in time, I think you can relate to the feeling of not being dead, but not being alive either, like being trapped in a limbo state. Now, your emotions are beginning to come to the surface, why? Because they are ready to be dealt with. Things are going to start moving for you, and it's going to feel scary as hell, but please remember that it's part of recovery and part of coming back to life. I am there with you in this.

    I see great potential in you. If you put your heart and soul into this, I fully believe you can become a brand new man and recreate your life in amazing ways. You just have to believe in yourself most importantly. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me. I will leave you with a couple videos that I think is supportive for you. All the best.



     
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  17. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much, great reply, great videos too. At times my capacity for self pity seems limitless, I can be truly my own worst enemy. Unfortunately my wife seemed to regard our kids and me as one, marriage I found a highly infantilising experience as a result. When a bad thing happened, rather than talk it through I just bottled it up and at night used P I think as a pain killer, but if course it was a pain giver.

    So yes a new chapter opens now. I have been slowly decorating my new place with a few largely motivational prints, one is the poem Invictus the final verse is - it matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishment the scroll; I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

    So yes we are all rock bottom. I now realise this is like a recovery from a serious accident or even illness, or even stroke. We have to learn to live again, to love ourselves, to laugh, to love. Doing this while also seeing my kids on weekends and desperately needing to be a "normal" Dad for them is super tough. Really appreciate your support. How do you do private messages on NF?
     
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  18. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

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    That's great that you're decorating your place, that can help lift depression, and I love the poem.

    Yes, this addiction is no different than being addicted to a hard drug like heroin, cocaine or meth. It's very serious, but it isn't as apparent as drug use so it goes unnoticed and unaddressed for many years. If anything, I would say this addiction is more dangerous than any of these hard drugs and just as hard to kick. It is insane how underestimated PMO addiction is, but as time passes more and more research is being done, more and more data is coming to light, it's an epidemic.

    To private message, I believe you click on the persons username and click ''start a conversation''.
     
  19. m_brando

    m_brando Guest

    HUGS, homie!!! That last video? You are the real man he's talking about- the responsible one. :D
     
  20. Tested

    Tested Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I think I saw Terry C an age ago on TV being interviewed about his addiction and I thought good grief he is being so open, for so many of us this has been such a dreadful private torment. But while the addict will be in us forever we don't have to be ruled by it. We CAN choose freedom. It is incredibly hard and I currently feel in hell but got to keep moving forward. Thanks for the support I think NF may be a live saver for me.
     
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