Need help

hi
I am back to N F after a break, I was first here I think in 2013..... In the time since I've had two spells of nine months clean, then a breakdown. I've suffered an awful depression for years now, largely P generated, my self esteem has been decimated by it. My marriage recently ended, not specifically because of P but P was a background issue, causing unseen damage (the awful dark secret). So now after many years I am living alone, my P use lately has been off the charts, but it has to stop before I literally cannot go on.

Today is day 1. I am incredibly jumpy, barely sit still. Somehow I am working full time through this madness.

So I am going to post every day, my first target is 7 days. I am also looking for accountability partners, perhaps you can help.

 

Day 2. Been busy, that helps. It is time alone and unplanned that is the killer. I can literally go from feeling OK about a 4 day clean period, then suddenly start using.

It drives me mad this life on the hamster wheel. I have got to get off before it kills me.

Typically day 2 is easy. It is day 4 when I get hit hard by withdrawal.

I will write tomorrow.

 

Day 3. Been busy. Now alone at home, it is now that I am at risk. Going to eat right, keep hydrated, keep busy. No stopping day 4 tomorrow.

 

Day 6. Still OK. More determined to break this but of course this is very early days.

 

Day 7
Still OK. Been keeping busy.

 

Day 8. Again full time work, some household issues, grocery shopping, gym, a new business idea to think about. It seems the busier the better, still sober. I made it past the initial 7 day target, next mile-stone 14. I've put stronger parental controls on my router and edited my TV to remove any questionable channels that air at night time - a prior big part of my addiction was night time viewing. So I feel my media consumption is much better.

 

Day 9. Another sober day. Work, badminton with a friend watched some Last Chance U on NetFlix, which is great. Still struggling, still taking anti depressant really due to P, but it was a clean day.

 

Thanks Ben and Dr Jekyll.... Day 10!! Still going OK. Internet filters help but to be fair I could easily switch them off, but O haven't. There is something about posting here every night that is making this reboot more meaningful. Got the weekend ahead without seeing my kids for the first time since thr marriage separation mid Dec. They are away on vacation with their mother for a few days. This could be a sign of trouble, but I am determined to keep busy, keep focus. I've got back into badminton since the split and playing again tomorrow afternoon. So day 10..... Keep this going...... My life depends on it, suicide I think inevitable if I kept on the P hamster wheel.

 

Another clean day. Went with a friend to a drop in anyone welcome badminton session for two hours this afternoon. Went well. Then did some grocery shopping. Then this evening went to movies, saw Hacksaw Ridge, thumbs up to that. Going to the gym in the morning, then church I think in the afternoon.

 

Well still sober. Quite a busy day but apart from going to the gym this morning have been alone, which I find hard after being married for 13 years.I miss my kids and to a degree my wife. So have been feeling a bit low this evening. I used to use P to block this pain, but now I am not using I need fresh ideas, can anyone help? Any that do read these, how about we form an accountability group together?

 

Still sober. Brain fog is clearing. Still far from emotionally well but at least stabilised in this area.

 

I think that the marriage really has come to an end. In all honesty there was emotional abuse of me by her, in turn I abused myself. It was a destructive cycle. I believe we were making each other unhappy. I think these feelings of inadequacy led me to P in the first place 25 years ago and kept me at a low level of consciousness ever since, albeit apart from first three years of marriage when I was totally clean. By some awful internal error I let it back in and now 10 years later the marriage has collapsed. I wonder how things would have been if I retained my sobriety throughout the marriage. But I used P to block emotional pain of the marriage.

Day 15 today. No turning back now, got to keep going forward.

 

I will look at volunteer opportunities.