Need Help

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Defeatedgirlfriend, May 27, 2018.

  1. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    hi guys,

    So I’ve been talking to my bf today, and for the past 6 years, porn has been a problem in our relationship and his life. I have some questions for you guys to see if my bf’s problems stem from porn addiction.

    When he was little, he says everyone thought he had adhd. He was a very hyper kid and acted out a lot at school. He said he was introduced to masturbating when he was 7 or 8, through a cousin. His cousin gave him a massager and he used it on himself, he didn’t know how to masturbate properly for awhile, and no semen came out when he orgasmed for awhile.

    Fast forward a couple months, and he discovered porn. So maybe 9 or 10 years old, it became an everyday or every other day thing, and he also had a video game addiction on top.

    He developed anxiety and it has only grown worse over the years, it’s at an all time high now that he doesn’t have any friends at all, has a hard time leaving his room and gets stressed out easily. He often has it with me about my looks since he can’t actually be awkward with me he says.

    As a teenager he got into drugs, mostly weed, but also did shrooms, salvia and ecstasy once or twice. That lasted about 2 or 3 years I think. He also was a heavy drinker for that time.

    He has developed severe stomach issues, he says he can’t digest anything, certain foods make him “high”, his adrenal glands are always pounding.

    He can’t watch movies or tv very long cause he “crashes” after, same with music. He can’t absorb what’s happening during a movie very well, and can’t do his schooling he was doing on the computer because he couldn’t absorb all the information, it also built him up, “stressed his body”.

    Everything is stressful for him and makes him want to freak out.

    We can’t connect during sex, because of his problem, and he also says he gets numb.

    This has been 13+ years of porn, and I feel like it has just taken a toll on his body physically and mentally. I’ve heard that the brain and the stomach are connected, and I feel like this is him.

    He says he doesn’t feel addicted to porn, that he wants to stop, but his body won’t let him. He says he doesn’t enjoy it, but his adrenal glands pound and it makes him.

    Could this all be stemming from a porn addiction issue? I feel like he needs a complete reboot, which he wants to do, but can’t because his stomach pounds and makes him do it. How can he make it longer than he has? He’s gone 2 months without porn, but with sex and doing shit, and him and I noticed benefits, but couldn’t get passed that because of his stomach issues. Anyone experience any of this or heard about it? Thanks in advance!
     
  2. Yeah, well that sounds like an addict. (Actually, it sounds to me like an addict who is lying. It happens a lot, it's part of being addicted.) I haven't heard about the stomach and adrenal issues, but the social anxiety and problems with concentration definitely are things I've heard others here describe.

    He should get a doctor to check his stomach and adrenal glands - I'm betting on anxiety, frankly, (but I could be all wet).

    I've never heard anybody complain about them pounding, though it wouldn't be the first time that I hadn't heard of something that others had.

    Also, there is another section here where you can get superb support, it's a subforum for the partners of porn addicts. That is here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?forums/partner-support.32/ - they've heard every type of porn addict excuse and/or symptom, they will help you sort through this, post-haste.
     
  3. Wow, you been with him since you were 16! You deserve a medal or something.
     
  4. PMO addict

    PMO addict Fapstronaut

    Hi @Defeatedgirlfriend . It sounds like he has some issues. But for relatives of addicts or alcoholics there is also programs to go to. You might want to try S-Anon or Al-Anon or ACA or even Nar-Anon. Any "Anon" program because you might be wrapped up in fixing him to an extent that its not healthy for you. (IDK if there are non-12-step equivalents of "Anon" programs)

    It sounds like he has some serious post traumatic stress, really. The addiction is probably just a symptom of that. ACA is a good program for healing from post traumatic stress. Also there is counseling.

    But the thing is, he has to be willing to do it for himself. You can't be monitoring and mothering him... That's not gonna be healthy for you. That's why I kind of re-directed your question to focus on yourself with help from something like S-Anon. Even if you don't know if he's addicted for sure, its clearly to a point where you are losing the focus on yourself as you try to figure out his issues. So that means your bothered by someone elses issues and a member of an "Anon" program.
     
  5. That's a classic sign of reduced attention span due to addiction, the brain is so used to recieving short sharp bursts of excitement that trying to focus on one very long task is exhausting.

    I guess he's irritable, restless and discontent too? another sign of addictive behaviours. I have anxiety still and i'm over 3 years free from porn although it's certainly not as severe and debilitating as it used to be.

    I first learned how to M at around the age of 11 -12, coupled with some kind of pornography, early onset of this behaviour is a well known precurser to sex/porn addiction later on in life

    That's a form of desensitisation, he has become so used to high frequency/novel/easy to access porn that doing the real thing doesn't register in the brain as a 'reward' as much as the artifical stimulus does.

    That's a new one 'my stomach makes me do it' Is he just referring to the nervous anticipation he feels in his stomach before he acts out? There is a big part of addiction that makes the addict feel as if it's some kind of 'external factor' beyond their control that 'makes them do things' it's part of denial and finding it difficult to take responsibility, hence why addiction is often treated these days as a mental health issue. The addict doesn't often realise the excuses they make and the things they do in order to satisfy their craving.A lot of the time, a well meaning partner, friend or family member might point out certain kinds of behaviour (lying, cheating, avoidance) and highlight an issue for the addict only to become defensive and reel out a list of excuses, it's the addict brain talking because they feel threatened even though the other party is trying to help.

    I would highly recommend reading these books with your boyfriend which you can get from Amazon at a very reasonable price to give you some deeper understanding of the problems at hand

    In the Shadows of the Net By Dr Patrick Carnes

    The porn trap By Larry and Wendy Maltz

    Your brain on porn By Gary Wilson

    But at the end of the day, only the addict can get themselves out of their situation if they choose to accept help that is available. it's like the old saying 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink'
     
  6. Defeatedgirlfriend

    Defeatedgirlfriend Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everyone who responded!

    Yes, I’ve been with this man for 6 years now, we’ve grown up together basically. I really do make this my problem, and I think because it’s been years of dealing with this issue. I want to see him happy, healthy and thriving, so to see him so low because of this addiction is heartbreaking. Because I see how much this hurts him, I often forget how much this also effects me.

    I have low self esteem, to the point where I can’t look in the mirror or I cry, depression, have developed anxiety, and I’m thinking ptsd from this.

    My partner has taken a long time to figure this out, and he often gets really into nofap, only to relapse again. This is his battle, and his only. He knows this now. Only he can get over this addiction.

    I often obsess over his addiction, because I constantly worry if I don’t “mother” him, he will relapse. We talked about this yesterday actually, and he told me it has never mattered how much I “watch” him or whatever, because if he wanted to look at it, he would. He also said, that I don’t need to worry, and obsess, because he is finally taking the steps to get over this - eating healthy, open communication, honesty and healthy life style habits.

    We’ve talked a lot these past couple days/weeks, and I feel he is being honest, and he is openly talking, as we’ve had hard, but neccassary conversations.

    I’m going to try and let this go for awhile, law of attraction this, and let him focus on fixing his addiction. I need to focus on myself for awhile, while also being a loving and supportive girlfriend when he needs me. He needs to fix himself, and I need to fix myself. I understand this will take awhile, and there will be relapses, but hopefully openly communicating and having a non judgmental relationship will help. Thank you everyone for being so supportive and helpful, I will come back once and awhile, and will check on the significant others journals once in awhile still!

    Thank you again, and wish us luck for recovering our selves and hopefully our beautiful, and truly loving relationship.
     
    brahmacarya, Immature and PMO addict like this.
  7. John Lee Smith

    John Lee Smith Fapstronaut

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    Stay together,
    You are a wonderful woman.
    He is a addict and suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
    Put filters, take control.
    Put passwords on everything.
    You will have to take lead,
    Make him leave porn for long time.
    Help him, he needs you.
    Everyone can recover.
     
  8. PMO addict

    PMO addict Fapstronaut

    Thanks defeatedgirlfriend. Yep, you're not alone. A lot of partners of addicts or alcoholics go through the exact same thing. Trying to control his use, monitor him, worrying, etc. It creates a condition called para-alcoholism. If you took a look at the laundry list on www.adultchildren.org it might help shine some light on the issue. There are phone meetings so its easy to go to. I realize I'm being a little codependent in trying to get you to go. You seem a lot more willing than him to seek recovery. But I think there's hope for your relationship and if you start getting better, he will, too. Eventually you could even go to couples-relationships anonymous which is a couples program. But you might not be able to go it alone. Law of attraction isn't usually enough to deal with things like this because it is kind of superficial. It takes getting into the nitty gritty in many cases. If just thinking positive is enough for you, then I'm happy for you. But if it isn't, don't despair, because it isn't for most people, and there is help that actually works for those types.
     
    _Xavier_ likes this.
  9. She's his girlfriend not his mom. Filters and passwords can help, but he must want to stop.
     
    Wario32 likes this.
  10. Cool_Bro

    Cool_Bro Fapstronaut

    I had also faced the same problem with digestive organs and stomach.Porn addiction and masturbation is indirectly related to many aspects of the proper functioning of the body. Earlier ,I don't feel the urge to watch porn and masturbate but I do the same every other day due to compulsion in my mind I had developed over a long time by indulging in this activity.
    For your problem, I strongly recommend you to take him to a doctor and tell the latter to examine him completely. You can also send him to rehabilitation centre if required. If you think this case may get more complicated in future, then do the same as explained above. Hope it helps ! :)
     
    brahmacarya likes this.
  11. _Xavier_

    _Xavier_ Fapstronaut

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    I want to add that there are indicators in his life of serious childhood trauma - I'm thinking severe neglect, abandonment, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, etc. The porn would be great to quit, but in my opinion he needs some professional help. This is not at all meant as an insult of course, but I don't think he will get the kind of help he needs here. Stress which is caused by the abuse or withdrawal can shut the body down and probably plays a huge role in his organ issues. I was thinking of a quote the other day - "The mind forgets, but the body remembers."

    I want to add that it is never your job to fix someone else. Never. The only job that comes this close is to make sure as a parent that you raise your kids safely enough to make sure that this doesn't happen. In light of the evidence that you have brought here, I think they failed completely. And it is very painful for him. Either way you do not owe him anything no matter how guilty you might feel (I have experienced this guilt). A lot of people will give you "drive-by advice" ---- "You're such a cute couple. He will change.", "Don't leave him, you've been with him forever!"

    I will not tell you what to do, but I will recommend the two books in my signature below to combat the dysfunctional relationships that both of you seem to have grown up in and become used to through no fault of your own. They are free, very straight forward, and very enlightening. I hope you find them as useful as I did. They are pretty unforgettable.
     
    PMO addict likes this.

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