Need help getting past and obsticle.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by AnxietyDude, May 1, 2019.

  1. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

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    There seems to be one obstacle that stands out from the rest of them when it comes to PMO. Just a short back story, this is been part of my rinse and repeat mode for about 35 years. With the advancements of the Internet this particular obstacle became more pronounced. It may be a cycle is more likely the word but I cannot seem to get past it. It seems to be a constant reminder after I PMO and days and if weeks later.

    Here is the scenario:
    Starting from the very beginning, I would build the fastest computer I could. With the best graphics card I could find. And I would add huge amounts of RAM, and even back in the late 80s would have a large amount of storage. As time came on websites became more expensive and material purchasing became routine. Not only that but additions to complement the PMO, were purchased at great cost. If I had to estimate I must've spent well over $18,000 in devices, and other add-ons and websites in the last 35 years of use.

    So here's the obstacle, whether through guilt, shame, or sicken tiredness, I would go about canceling my accounts, blocking the sites completely thru a firewall, deleting terabytes worth of material, and to make sure I would not retrieve the old material with software, I would wipe the drive completely clean. I basically would end up with a clean computer, a clean house with no toys of any kind. Giving me a clean slate to finally just get rid of this once and for all.
    Problem is that once and for all has probably occurred at lease 35 times in the last 35 years sometimes more than once a year I would totally get rid of everything. Even the larger hard drives and other things I would get rid of. I would turn the computer into building websites to help the community and began writing books. Thinking by spending my money and time elsewhere I would do better.

    I am now yet again at another obstacle it's that time of year I could tell by how my mind is thinking. With new technology I went out and bought newer smart phone with high-resolution, at about two months ago began getting into high for 4K VR material, escalating the problem once again. It would seem that each time there is a tech advancement I fight it off for a while but eventually caved into it spending even more money. This year alone to May 2019 probably right around $500 not involving websites. This purchasing the phone and VR headsets trying to see what would be best to use for PMO.

    I need to find some way to rid myself of the current material I have, micro-ST cards, flash drives, several terabytes drives and of course the VR headsets as well as large amounts of material that need to be removed. The problem is I know at some point down the line once I remove all this material I will seek to replace it with newer material and that is where the obstacle seems to get the right back where I'm at today. I know I want to get rid of everything today and be done with it my brain keeps telling me think about all the money you're throwing away, and think about all the money you've thrown away. It's the line of justification, without accountability that I am now facing and I have got to find some sort of tool to get rid of this. Please be aware when reading this we are talking 35 years of the same routine and each and every time it falls back the same routine I need to get this stuff out of here and stay gone so I'm not as apt to fall off. But each time I do it slowly progresses and before I know if I am right back in the same exact boat I was in before. Opened to any advice orideas, but please keep in mind the complexity of this obstacle and how I seem to trick myself to get around it and justify it. Thank you for your time
     
  2. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

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    No one, ? oh well sucks back to day one... I need to find some good tools for this.
     
  3. Inkazak

    Inkazak Fapstronaut

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    Well normally I would say just get rid of it all. But what if you put it in storage. That way you would force yourself to,go,back into storage ( maybe a storage unit) to dog it up if you really wanted to,relapse...
     
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  4. Chappo030891

    Chappo030891 Fapstronaut

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    You are not going to like this answer:

    Your post scares me man. Because I see myself in you. You are my future self. I'm 28 now. I can see a similar cycle repeating in my life...i relapse, I try to build a strong streak and then things get tough, my mind goes crazy and i then seek comfort in PMO. and the cycle is endless. If you can, i think you should get professional help.

    Do you workout regularly and eat healthy???
     
  5. andi1987

    andi1987 Fapstronaut

    I totally can understand you! It's the same problem for me. I had 6 hard drives. All full of P. First time I just took the hard drives into my cellar (one year ago). Didn't help much. after 8 days without P I just went down an got them back :D. Also every now and then I deleted some P half assed. Just deleted some of it or just deleted all of it. Sadly I know a bit to much about data recovery so I was able to get it all back :D.
    What helps me a bit is really being honest to myself. So 2 weeks ago I again deleted everything. Yesterday I relapsed; I knew that if I wanted to get back the P I could get it back.
    First thing I did was to zero my hard drive, so even the deleted data can't be recovered. These days I really struggle because deleting 6 hard drives full of P is like deleting the last 10 - 15 years of my life.
    I also made pictures of all the bills a got from all the stuff a bought regarding P (memberships, hard drives etc.). I calculated how much I spent on P and what I could have bought from the money. This picture of the calculation is now also my desktop background. So everytime I start the computer I get reminded of how much money I spent on P.

    I know that my post won't really help you. But just wanted to tell you that I really feel the same way as you do.
     
  6. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

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    For the last few weeks now I have been slowly eliminating material.
    I had like you @andi1987 decades of material and now all of it is long gone drives are
    over written. No going back. From around 10TB to just under 120GB that are on a small flash drive.
    I like your idea of the bills, I did that once then nearly fell on the floor when I realized I could have bought a new car with what I spent. Yet even then I had stuff from 1998. I truly hate the internet at times.

    But...............I cam to a realization yesterday.
    I keep saying and hearing people want their lives back.
    I just realized that will never happen. Sad truth is that ship sailed for me decades ago.
    But I can, make my future life different then it is now. After all, now was once then, wasnt it.
     
  7. yyz33

    yyz33 Fapstronaut

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    I actually have a similar problem and challenge. Summertime I fap a lot. I think its like a seasonal habit built up. My goal is to not masturbate at all this summer. To see if I can do it. So far p blockers and thought loops have helped me.

    You can control your thoughts. Find a new though loop, instead of "think of all the money i'll be throwing away", think "it's not worth it" or "my life is worth more" or something related to why you want to give up the porn. I would get clear on why you want to give up porn, then transform that reason into a thought you can loop in your head whenever you feel temptation to use these devices. What's going to happen to the next ten years of your life if you stop doing porn? How would you feel, act, do, accomplish, etc. new relationships, new possibilities. What do you want to spend all of this new you will have on.
     
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  8. jjames_jjefferson

    jjames_jjefferson Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,

    I want to help you out but I want to ask this. In your 35 years of cycling with cleaning out and relapsing, what other steps have you taken to quit aside from deciding to do it and throwing everything away?
     
  9. jjames_jjefferson

    jjames_jjefferson Fapstronaut

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    Hey man,

    I might be able to offer some insight for you. How long have you been actively trying to quit PMO?
     
  10. AnxietyDude

    AnxietyDude Fapstronaut

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    I actually was the professional helper for others with addiction, therefore my mind will analyze others that may help. See my answers below to see more of this answer. Sorry for the delay in getting back. And professional help only works when the person is willing to trust others to take over where you leave off, and that wont happen. I am in good shape for 56 not overweight, I have a health routine of eating and exercise. I am actually in pretty darn good health, I do not drink, never really smoked in my life, do not do any drugs.


    Well,
    1. I became a Ordained pastor, and working my life dedicated to helping others thru God I thought would help. It didn't.
    2. I studying and became a clinical supervisor at of all places a In house Rehap facility. ( nope didn't help)
    3. I joined support groups in person with others in a stop PMO. ( nope didnt help everyone in the group relapse before me and it ended.
    4. I confided in my best friend my wife and that didn't help.
    5. I moved my office at home into a place that was more public and screen faces the door so anything can be seen.
    6. I installed software, and got several accountability buddies.
    7. I started helping others quite PMO.
    All the above people I was involved in getting help, or receiving it all relapsed themselves, this addiction is one of the worst because it feeds off partially our inner instincts.

    I am trying a new idea I have for a few weeks that I never have done and that is not throwing everything out going cold turkey clean sweep, is slowly removing everything around me I have, in another thread in the last few weeks I have removed huge amounts of material slowly, closing accounts and leaving all but a very small insignificant amount that I am now removing until there is none. I would not suggest anyone try this, its a easy easy way to relapse. But is also in 35-40 years something I have not tried, only because others say it wont work. But everything they said would has not lol. So here I am working a plan.....guess we will see.
     

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