Need help from the SO's

I feel ya girl.
Feeling fat and ugly comes with the territory of being with a PA.
I'm tiny also.
To boot I have large breasts.
I constantly feel like I will never measure up to porn stars because I'm old... Even tho I'm fit.
I still hate them for their "never had a baby body"
Can't ever get that back.
No matter how much I work out, or diet.
It's like age.
It's Never coming back.

 

I feel that way all the time about feeling wanted by other men but not by my own husband. I also know he wants me now but sometimes I question if its just to pascify me. I shouldn't even be questioning something like that! I've always been insecure about my weight. Im not nearly as small as you ladies but I guess I'm average. I have a thyroid issue that caused a lot of weight gain for me unfortunately after we got married. I recently lost 20lbs but still have maybe 10ish to go and the scale won't budge even with me working out 6days a week and portion control. Its frustrating! So him having the PA and my already insecure self was a bad combination! I just keep trying to keep my head up and make sure I'm doing the best I can at becoming healthy, getting in shape and feel good about myself and my progress. I know its hard sometimes but just know you are beautiful no matter how their PA makes you feel!

 

I know you asked for SO help here - but if I could just say something...

My wife is about 5'5 130. She's had two kids and is 37. She has a pretty face and works out often enough to have some definition. She has some flaws but I seriously don't even notice them anymore. She does not look like the 20's year olds whose pictures I used to look at. Today I think she is gorgeous. When she even halfway dresses up I can't get enough of looking at her, I allow my eyes to feast on her curves and her smile melts my heart.

During the first 5 years of our relationship (when I looked at a lot of porn) she was about 5'5 100. She had no kids and was 19-24. She did look like the girls whose pics I looked at. I was indifferent to her looks. All I saw were her flaws. I was so busy chasing "new" faces and bodies that I didn't appreciate what I had.

What this ought to tell you is that a PA's opinion of how you look is almost completely dependent on how much porn he is looking at and not what you actually look like. I had the perfect young woman and was indifferent to it, and now I have a momma and I think she's the most desirable thing on the planet. Your PA's opinion's under the influence do not reflect the reality of your looks. They reflect the warped state of his mind while he is an addict. When he is sober - when his heart is filled with love instead of selfish lust - he will see you for who you are instead of through porn colored glasses.

I guess it's also partly my maturing in other aspects of my life as well.

 

@Sadgirl Yup that's about what I am 5'3 138 (still a DD) after just losing 20. I was probably around 130-135 when I met him b4 the thyroid issues and before baby #3 who is 19mo. Still frustrating. I have read some of Stop the thyroid madness. I take Armour which I like much better than the synthetic crap. I try to be low carb and limit my gluten as well (I know it's all or none but it's super difficult esp when you have to cook for the fam). But even with my thyroid levels good it's so difficult to lose. Sadly I've been taking prescription appetite suppressants as well. Which have at least given me the energy I need to be able work out now. I'm afraid of what will happen when I go off though . Yes P has given me such a great self image on top of my already awesome self image .

@Icarium it is nice to hear all of that. I hope I start to feel like my guy gets to that point where he can't take his eyes or hands off me. He is in flatline right now so his libido is pretty low but things are still working at least. I just hope his true libido is more than the 2x a wk I've I've always gotten from him as well. I shouldn't need sex for affirmation but it certainly helps. I also want him to get there and "get" it without me having to tell him. Meaning telling me and making me feel wanted and desired and beautiful.

 

He's been doing good in regards to no PM for at least 60d (he didn't remember an actual date when we started this so we just picked one). It's a roller coaster ride as I'm sure your in the same boat. I hate that something so natural and simple and beautiful can get so screwed up but here we all are! He's just started flatline which he originally didn't think would happen to him. Surprise even limiting his Os still didn't make him immune to the dreaded flatline. I'm still struggling with feeling beautiful and sexy and wanted. Hoping that changes at some point.
How is your situation?

 

Girls! Do not let them drag you down. I look at it in a different way. I know I am a great catch, even though I am not nearly as small as the two of you. I still got it going on. Between my sparkling personality and this curvy bod, the whole package is right here in front of him. The problem is that he wants me AND PMO and has tended to choose PMO more often in the past because it's much less work. Instant gratification, no foreplay, etc. I know there are other underlying reasons that I clearly don't have the answers for but I have never questioned his desire for me.

After discovery, what made me angry is that he can't have it both ways. He can have them or he can have me. He was not willing to fully give it up for a long time, only part of it. I immediately stopped wearing any and all sexy lingerie for him and I no longer let him see me naked. It had nothing to do with feeling less than those on the screen and everything to do with being more than they are. Until i know for sure his eyes and fantasies are only for me again, he does not get the privilege of seeing me that way. And that is exactly what it is, a privilege. I relented a couple of times after he went for a while without P, thinking I was being too harsh, and each time, within a day or two he was right back at it, so I hardened my resolve. For a while I even refused to dress up for a date (I didn't tell him, I was just being passive aggressive at that point). I only wore jeans, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. Pulled my hair up in pony tail.

Ladies, put yourselves on pedestals. You are worth so much more than you have convinced yourselves you are.

 

I know my value and that he desires me and wants to make me happy. I am an attractive woman, I get hit on, starred at, have never had a problem getting a man (I've just always questioned if it was for my body or for me). It's just I've always struggled w self image issues throughout my life since I was young. (We talked a little about that in a different thread I think) therefore this whole PA thing has opened old wounds and internal self doubt. It's not constant but it does creep up every now and then. The thyroid issue was the perfect icing on the cake. I refuse to let his PA make me feel any less of myself. If anything I have been working out and such for me. To make myself feel good and make myself feel 100% happy w my body etc. I've made my boundaries clear to him regarding porn. If he starts using again over me then regardless of how good a guy he is or how much I love him. I'll leave bc I deserve to be wanted and desired over P. When he stops trying to make this work then it stop working. He's been doing extremely well so far bc he really does want to make this work.

 

I'm struggling with this as well. It's spilled out into even being afraid to leave the house as I feel like I'm so ugly everyone will either judge me or ignore me completely. I feel like I can't compete with all the girls on the screen or on the streets. Absolutely miserable feeling.

I used to like myself, and I used to think I was just fine. I had confidence and flirted with men before I was with my SO. I had lots of relationships and physical intimacy with people. I got compliments and dates. I never worried about if I was fat or skinny or not attractive enough. Now it's all I think about. I went from healthy self esteem to nothing.

Edit: Plus now I find myself unable to eat. Which in my life has never happened. 3 days now of eating either nothing or under 300 calories. I'm a huge eater. The emotional toll this has taken inhibits my hunger.

 

Bottom line is that PMO sucks. It destroys us, our men, and our families. It hurts us all in different ways but also in many of the same ways. But that is the good thing about this site. We can be here for each other.

 

It's on them to fix the problem. How and if you want to support them is up to you.

 

And to think, your body type is all the rage these days. Sir Mixalot was way ahead of his time.

 

Absolutely. I don't known what in the world I would have done this time around without this site. It was like I can breathe and have some hope that things could get better. It's refreshing to see it's not just me being paranoid, PMO is the elephant in my marriage, and there is help. That's huge.

I felt completely isolated the last time I caught him years ago. There were no resources online at the time and he relapsed hard while keeping me in the dark.

This site brings a lot of truth out that is such a relief to hear. It hurts but it is like weight comes off my shoulders when he cuts the bull and gives me clarity about his past transgressions.

It's not going to help my self esteem but I have to realize that I still have value, and it's not determined by him.

 

Very similar to my mantra the past few days when I feel like being pushy or angry. "I can't control others, I can just control how I react".