1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Need advice on confronting a porn addict.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Seeking Advice, Dec 7, 2016.

  1. Seeking Advice

    Seeking Advice New Fapstronaut

    2
    3
    3
    Recently I found my fiancé was browsing the Craigslist personal encounters and other local personal encounters websites. These websites were sprinklfed between a list of porn videos. Making me think he's using these sites as a poem alternative. Another part of me worries that this is the start to a devestating downward spiral. I've known that my fiancé watched porn. Even started to strongly suspect that he might be addicted to porn. After reading several websites regarding the issue he definitely shows signs. He's antisocial, emotionally withdrawn, more secretive and has never been able to climax during sex (unless self stimulated). I've taken time to calm down but now have the daunting fear of confronting him about the issues - both the addiction to porn and the personal encounters sites. Honestly I feel numb to the issue, almost invisible. How do I bring up the topic? Where do I start? Any honest feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
     
    AndySky180 and WifeInTheDark like this.
  2. tout ça pour ça

    tout ça pour ça Distinguished Fapstronaut

    1,903
    3,935
    143
    Hi,
    there is a lot of help here in lots of ways. You could look at partner's support and rebooting in a relationship. Many people have similar questions and there is a lot of discussion there, which I hope will help you.
    Like any relationship question though, trust, openness, care are usually the answers.
     
    AndySky180 likes this.
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,015
    3,319
    143
    Before you confront him you need to educate yourself about the illness itself. Understand that this is not a bad habit but a full blown addiction which is just as serious as alcoholism or drug use. Addicts use images/events/objects to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative emotions. It can be something as simple as boredom or loneliness, as serious as childhood trauma, or to cover a mental health issue such as depression or anxiety. Often adolescents view porn out of curiosity and excitement. But behind the scenes the brain is learn to use the whole process as a coping mechanism. It is so effective that it becomes the brain's sole means of dealing with stress and this causes an emotional dependence. When an addict PMO's, he is releasing powerful chemicals into his bloodstream which creates a physical dependence. Those chemicals also start rewiring the brain so there is a mental dependence.

    Over time addicts build up a tolerance. So they need to use porn more often, watch increasingly more hardcore porn, or try to bring their desires to life. This is called escalation and happens to every addict. Addicts use 'the trance' or 'autopilot mode' when using porn. Parts of the brain shut down which controls higher reasoning, morals, and time management. They can binge for hours without realizing it. While in the trance they feel painfree and there is no judgment. An addict is perpetually searching for this state of 'nirvana'. But it is an illusion, but instead of turning to true forms of comfort the addict dives in deeper into their addiction looking for 'happiness'.

    The addict also surrounds himself with delusional thinking to protect himself and his addiction. Since this is an emotional problem it is very difficult to reason with an addict. They will blame, shift attention, shut down, deny, or minimize the extent of their problem. Have you seen on TV how difficult it is to reason with a drug addict and to get him into treatment? Addicts build walls to keep others out and to keep themselves inside with their addiction.

    Some men will respond to a reasonable and logical discussion. Most of those men will say or promise anything for you to go away. Porn is their mistress that they do not want to give up because they will be naked to this world's problems and have no way to blunting the pain they feel. Giving an addict more time, love, understanding, and compassion usually does not work because they will use whatever they give you and continue to indulge themselves in secret.

    We have seen that only by hitting rock-bottom will an addict see the need to change. The pain of continuing the behavior must be greater than his means of medicating it. An addict needs to understand that the status quo is no longer acceptable. You have boundaries and expectations that need to be met and there will be escalating consequences if those are not met. Expectations might be to see a therapist either together or apart, not checking into his man-cave when he comes home, not being secretive or deceptive but to be honest in his recovery, join this website and get an accountability partner to help him. Be prepared if he tries to call your bluff. Only these strong measures will cut through the delusional thinking an addict has surrounded himself with.

    Protect yourself. Your demands are not unreasonable. He is in the wrong. He is the one who must take primary responsibility for his recovery. You are not his mother, a policeman, or his priest. You can love and support him ONLY if he is doing EVERYTHING in his power to get better. If he tries to do the minimum then he is guaranteed to fail. It must be a full commitment or he risks losing everything.

    There is hope that he might respond. Many of us here are married and have 'woken up' after our wives confronted us. A year ago my wife gave me an ultimatum - do something or she was going to move out and take the children with her and tell everyone why she left. That woke me up and I quit cold-turkey that night. Most married men here have a similar story where they did lose everything or almost lost everything. I hope this gives you somewhere to start.
     
  4. Zombie_Chickie2.0

    Zombie_Chickie2.0 Fapstronaut

    30
    72
    18
    Wow! Great comment
     
    AndySky180 likes this.
  5. Seeking Advice

    Seeking Advice New Fapstronaut

    2
    3
    3
    Thank you very much for you comment. I will definitely do everything I can to educate myself on this topic, I'm nervous now to bring it up. How do I even start the conversation? It's incredibly important to me that he knows I'm here for him, but what do I lead with? "I'm aware of your porn history and current personal encounters searches. Along with your attitude/attention changes I feel it's time we discuss how we can work together?" I'm very confused and hurt, but want to keep his healing front and center because he has a long road ahead.
     
    AndySky180 likes this.
  6. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    1,015
    3,319
    143
    I like your introduction. I would let him know that you are willing to listen judgment-free and give him the opportunity to open up. Let him know you understand that there is a lot of shame and embarrassment talking about this, but it's time to bring this out into the light. Ask him if he thinks the problem is an addiction. I would also let him know that he cannot keep this secret in a little corner of his mind and not expect it to affect everything else in his life. Let him know how it makes you feel. Reinforce that you are telling him not to make him feel bad but with the objective of fixing what's wrong. Let him know that he is not alone and that lots of people have this problem and have gotten better.

    Consider writing things down in a letter so that if he shuts down or shuts you out you can leave him with something to read when he calms down. Some husbands have saved those letters to remind themselves the cost of relapsing.

    Have suggestions or resources ready if he is interested in starting - therapy, websites, books on addiction. Tell him you want to have a follow-up discussion the following day. Build on any momentum he shows because it is very easy to get a glimpse of hope and then the addict shuts down the following day.

    If the conversation starts to go bad be prepared to shift the conversation to boundaries and consequences. Stay calm and composed. Remind him that the status quo is no longer acceptable. If necessary, shut the conversation down and return to it later.

    I've only been on the other end of the conversation. I shut my wife out countless times before I finally listened. All those other times it didn't matter what she said. I was determined not to change. Only when she threatened to leave did that cut through all my delusional thinking. Love, compassion, concern, understanding, etc didn't work. I needed to hear the cold hard truth of what the consequences were going to be if I wanted to continue what I was doing. She struck on what I feared the most - being exposed to my family and friends. I hope you find the right approach and can reach him.
     

Share This Page