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Need a Woman's Advice

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by CrimsnBlade, Apr 16, 2018.

  1. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    I am a PA, I have been for about 17 years or so. Started when I was 11 and carried on throughout my life. I have fought it for years and am currently on the best streak of no P that I've ever had. Almost to 70 days. It never escalated to anything more than hardcore videos, but I'm not trying to downplay the damage done, just giving some background.

    I've been married to my wife for almost 4 years, we've been together for almost 11 years total. I am really struggling lately to understand how I can be a better husband. My first goal was to overcome my addiction to P, and I have made good strides with that so far. I still struggle with M, I have fallen to that twice in the past 70 days or so. For pretty much our entire marriage I have approached sex in a very selfish way, trying to pursue her for my own pleasure a lot of the time. There have been times of real passion and intimacy as well, and those are the best, but for the most part I've approached it very selfishly and I think it's really damaged our relationship.

    My wife still has significant trust issues with me, and since our first child was born last June, she has had some anxiety issues as well, though not bad enough to seek professional help or take medication. I tried talking to her last night about what I can do to love her better. What actions can I take, what things can I help with, what speaks to her and makes her feel loved and safe. Our conversation didn't get very far, and basically ended on me being selfish and she said "I don't know what you want me to say".

    So I'm reaching out to you ladies. I know there are some SOs on here that have dealt with this type of thing, and I need your advice. What can I do to help build up trust and love her better? What advice would you give me? What have you experienced in your relationships or marriages that have really made the difference for you, and made you feel loved and appreciated? I'm really at a loss right now, I'm grateful for any advice you could give.
     
  2. RecoveringLion

    RecoveringLion Fapstronaut

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    Be a man. What does that mean?

    It means be selfless. Pursue her. Serve her. Put her first. Look for ways to bless her. Get professional help for you. You are white knuckling a sex addiction, that is an almost guaranteed recipe for failure. Be the man she needs, daily. Ask for forgiveness when you fail. Don’t get moody when she is unhappy with you or needs to process. Find ways to the lead the family forward.

    And seriously dude, get professional help. Decade + porn addictions come with some serious psychological damage that you cannot fix on your own.

    As she rebuilds trust slowly, she will give you more opportunities to embrace and rebuild the trust further. Keep at it. Good luck!
     
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I read your post several times, and I cannot see if you say she is aware of your addiction and issues, so is she? If not that is step one. She is saying she does not know what you want from her, because you are playing hide the ball and not telling her what the issue is. You have to tell her. You have to be 100 percent open with her about everything in your life. I am an ex SO and that to me is the biggest factor, being honest. You cannot even begin recovery until you do that. The second thing is also being honest. I know I said that twice because that;s how important it is. The third thing is show her that you are sorry, which is along the lines of what @RecoveringLion is stating above. This is not going to be easy, but it is worth it. As someone who was i a relationship with an addict, your selfishness is felt by the So even if they don’t know why.
     
  4. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    Yes I left that part out of the post. I have told her everything, and we've been fighting it together for basically our whole marriage and longer. I always tell her everything that happens, when I fall, what I've done, even when it makes me feel so embarrassed I want to crawl into a hole. She told me that the worst part of all of it was that I lied to her about it in the beginning, so I don't make that mistake anymore.

    Thank you. I think I was overthinking it a bit yesterday but these are great tips. I've thought about going to couples counseling and maybe when we have a little more financial capability we will be able to afford that. I think one of the biggest issues was my pursuit of her was mostly selfishly driven. I was pursuing her in a way that I wanted to, not in a way that she wanted to be pursued.
     
    RecoveringLion likes this.
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for clarifying that. Is there a reason why you left that part out? Because from an SOs perspective this is the most important piece of info there is. Maybe there is some disconnect in the sense that the emphasis is less on honesty and your SO and more on you? Trust takes a very long time to rebuild and sometimes the damage is too bad, the trust can’t ever come back. The saying goes trust is like throwing a China plate on the groUnd and breaking it. The first time it’s fairly easy to put back together. But each time you break that plate it gets harder and harder to put back together and even when you do it’s not as sturdy or reliable until eventually it can no longer be repaired. The answer is that you need to stop pmo no relapses, and no lying about anything. If you do that it’s still going to take a very long time to repair trust. I wish there was an easier answer but there is not.
     
    Numb and Deleted Account like this.
  6. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for that advice. I'm definitely not looking for easy, just looking for how do to it right.
     
    GG2002 likes this.

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