Need a Female perspective

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Onehope, Jan 4, 2018.

  1. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut


    I am pretty honest about her love choices, I tell her she probably needs to rethink her choice or to get to know him better before she gives into him entirely.

    She of course says "ok" but in the end falls for an idiot anyway and end up hurt.

    I guess I will be a little more bold instead of trying to soften my opinion, and just straight up say what I think without censoring myself.

    I guess I didnt want to before because I would come out to her as being jealous or something, I dont want her to get the wrong idea.
     
  2. Seriously who cares if she does? That's on her not you. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Plus you can always preface your advice with "as your friend" in order to make it clear to her that you're giving advice as a friend. An example: "As your friend I just wanted to say your track record with picking good men is shit. You might want to rethink your approach before going back out into the dating scene. If you don't then I'm going to have to cut you off from our friendship because my sleeve can only handle so much of your dating train wrecks."
     
  3. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    Move on man she’s not worth it and you will only get hurt.
     
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  4. Merovingian

    Merovingian Fapstronaut

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    You know the absolute best way to drive her mad crazy is to pull away bro and give her a sense of loss of what she had standing right in front of her the entire time. Screw friendzone, don't let her play with your mind like that, she's getting everything emotionally from you for free and everything else from the shitty guys she's been dating.
     
  5. Aussieterrier

    Aussieterrier Fapstronaut

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    Hi, Relationships of all kinds are about emotional dynamics. That’s is each person has a reason they are in the relationship, driven by deep emotional patterns. Your friend chooses guys who fail her, hurt her, it’s the same everytime for her. Unless she changes her internal dynamics nothing will change. The same goes for you. What you can have, is maybe a reflection of your own inner story. Ask questions honestly like - Would you be able to be in a relationship ? Could you handle one with your friend if you could ? Seeing other people is great but if it leads nowhere, then there’s a pattern unfolding. If you work closely with your inner dynamics or seek a professional who could help, then your outer life story will start to change. You can still be friends with you friend but it will be one based on healthy dynamics, or she could move on in another direction. Either way it’s positive.
    Healing is on many levels and relationships of any kind are a mirror of our inner feelings and dynamics.
    All the best.
     
    Onehope likes this.
  6. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    Thank you.

    I guess I should update...

    Ive come to understand that the only reason I started thinking about this is because I have abstain from PMO.

    When I became sad, anxious, depressed, stressed out, I PMO to escape my feelings, and numb myself from my problems.

    Being away from it all has reconnected my with my feelings, and I have to admit, what once didnt bother me, now it sort of does.

    Last night I was speaking to her through whatsap, and suddenly she said...

    "I love you, I wish you were here"

    My heart stopped, and for a brief moment I thought things had changed, but it was just a cruel joke of life, when she reveals that message wasn't meant for me.

    She laughed it off, deleted the messages quickly, and I was left with this huge hole in my heart.

    Ive taken steps to get some space between me and her, Im not willing to end my friendship with her, but I need a dosage of reality, and if I make some distance between us, I can focus more on my healing, and forget about what I feel for her.

    Maybe someday I will come fort and tell her how I feel, even if it means our friendship ends because of it, but I dont want that now, it needs to be when Im ready to lose it all, because I dont see any happy ending from this.
     
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  7. Aussieterrier

    Aussieterrier Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations, your starting to see things for what they are. Distance sounds like a good idea, you can get clarification on much. Work on yourself, use your time wisely, because at the end of the day, it’s about you. In time, you may see your friend and your journey with her, in a very different way. In fact as a healthier you, your feelings may very well have changed.
    Cheers
     
  8. Aussieterrier

    Aussieterrier Fapstronaut

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    PS - nothing happens by chance, it’s called synchronicity. You saw the text message because you needed clarification on things. It comes as a slap in the face, because it always comes exactly as we need it to. Sort of an ‘eye opener ‘, because we really are walking around with ‘eyes wide shut’.
     
  9. Axton Betz

    Axton Betz Fapstronaut

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    This happen to everyone in my point of view. So no worries bro keeping talking to her like you used to and find some other girl who will love you. Coz this girl you like, will not fall for you until and unless you are single. And if she fall in love then you have an option between the two and if she doesn't then you always have your new better girlfriend.
     
  10. Spot on. So unhealthy for the both of you.
     
  11. GeneralismoKilgore

    GeneralismoKilgore Fapstronaut

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    I'm a guy, but I have been in your position. Leave it as friends and look for someone else, also don't be her shoulder to cry on when her garbage choices come back to haunt her, just say its not your business and keep it platonic. I can speak from personal experience that if she was interested in you sexually she would have made a move by now.
    Some women though they don't mentally see it that way, will keep people in the wings as a sort of backup emotional boyfriend, while they pursue Chad, its sad and it sucks but a lot of women do it subconsciously. So don't wait around for it to change as it never will. My one kept stringing me along for four years before, leaving her asshole boyfriend and starting to date someone a week later. I learnt then never to expect anything from anyone unless your actually in a relationship.
    Good luck finding the right one bud, it isn't going to be her.
     
    Onehope likes this.
  12. There is no greater anguish then to love someone, while realizing at the same time, that you can never be with them.
     
  13. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut


    Yeah, I hate how blind my feelings are, and no matter how hard I try she always makes my heart beat faster, and her smile is hypnotizing.

    Knowing that in her eyes I am only and forever a friend, it really makes me feel worthless.

    I know Im not worthless, but when you have such deep feelings for someone, and that someone has no interest in them, it makes my feelings feel worthless, meaningless, and it hurts.
     
    Lazarus Shuttlesworth likes this.
  14. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    Didn't read the comments yet, but looking at your post I see there is no chance. As long as you will be into her, you won't see other girls as good as she is (to your mind) and you waste your time. And actually you are like her- I bet there are other girls who could be into you as a man, but you are attracted to someone who is not available and will hurt you. And it is not nice of her to know about your feelings and not take a distance, but maybe even using you- maybe when is bored she needs someone, or maybe you even pay the bills when you go out. Analyze if there is not something she needs from you, that's why she keeps you around for comfort, even if you are suffering.
     
  15. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    This may sound strange, but I feel different today. Ive taken advice in this forum, and from close friends, and Ive come to realize that maybe Im too good for her.

    If she really appreciated who I was she would've chosen me over some assholes, but she didn't, because those arent the criterias she follows to like someone.

    I'm not gonna waste my emotions on someone like that, so instead of me being in the friendzone, shes gonna be in my friendzone.

    Even if by some miracle she would change her mind about me Im just not gonna settle for her, why should I? So she went through a pile of garbage and in the end decides to get leftovers?

    Im not a leftover.

    Im done with her, thanks everyone.
     
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  16. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You're either friends or you're not.

    Friendzone is just manipulation because you're not upfront about what you really wanted from the beginning. So it was just to buy time and have access to her just in case she ever changed her mind. It was a silent contract you made that stated "if I'm always there for her and become a great guy for her, then one day she'll have to feel differently about me"... and now that the specific outcome you wanted never happened... you're being bitter about it.

    So stay her friend or stop being her friend. Don't say things like "she's going to be in my friendzone" and try to get revenge on her.

    She might have played you, but you were also trying to play her. You both fed off each other's manipulation.
     
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  17. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    I would also not be with a guy to whom I was not suitabable many girls prior. For me it is over if a guy chooses even one time someone before me. Even if you are already second in the list (4 before you is way too much), it is shitty feeling.
     
  18. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut


    Im not trying to manipulate anything, all Im saying is that shes too late to try and have anything more than friends with me, I cant date someone like her even if I feel something for her.

    To me she is just like nofap, she is something I think I need but I dont want. I want to move passed her as a woman and only treat her and see her as a friend, regardless of her feelings ever changing for me.

    Ive been there for two years for her in good and bad times, I dont deserve to be a second plate for her or anyone.

    At least my friend zone is not to lead her on, it is simply to deny her of any possibility to ever be with me as more than friends.
     
  19. ..Anna..

    ..Anna.. Fapstronaut

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    But I don't think you can only see her as a friend (deeply inside you) as long as you hang out and have conversations with her. Similar as watching porn and trying to not M... :) That doesn't really work.
     
  20. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut


    Which is why today feels weird. I was blindsided by the sudden surge of feelings I had hidden in me, but I never stopped to think about it, not until now.

    Ive rationalized my feelings for her, and they are a waste.

    I feel like I like her, because shes really pretty, and shes nice to me, but underneath the appealing image hides a sad truth.

    She doesnt suit me for a relationship, because her taste in love suck.

    Maybe she likes to suffer? Maybe she just shallow, I'll never know and it doesnt matter.

    What matters is that I made the choice, that regardless of my feelings for her I will never settle for less, and if the time comes where I have to be blunt with her I will. I wont coward behind the fear of losing her anymore.

    I want to be her friend, I just dont want to be her boyfriend anymore. And if anyone thinks this is sudden, it is not, its been two years, I think this is enough.
     

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