Need a Female perspective

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Onehope, Jan 4, 2018.

  1. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You're venting to us just like she would vent to you.

    If you're cool with how things are, then don't whine about it.

    If you aren't, then do something about it.

    Do you really want to spend the rest of your life cleaning up after the mess of the guys that end up hurting her? Tell that that you don't and it's unfair to you that she repeats the same bullshit and cries to you about it.
     
  2. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    All I can do is offer my advice to her, I cant change her mind. If she wishes to go through life dating assholes thats her choice.

    Being a friend means to be there in good and bad times, but its not my place to make decisions for her, shes gonna have to figure that out on her own.
     
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I have actually been to parties that are set up just for this purpose. Every single girl brings a single guy friend of theirs. The women vogue for how great the guys are and talk them up to the other women. It’s a very interesting concept. But I agree.
     
  4. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

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    The difference between these ''assholes'' she dates and yourself may be that they don't use their brain and you use your brain too much. What I mean by that is, these kind of guys are perceived as ''assholes'' because when they walk into a room of women, to them it's like walking into a candy shop/store, they see what they like and want and they say openly, honestly and directly without thinking ''I like you and I want you'' without any kind of misplaced shame or fear. Whilst you are too smart for your own good, and take that as a compliment, but it is also a problem in the dating world, you analyse too much, you are too logical and trust me, being logical doesn't make any sense when it comes to attraction, at least not at FIRST - you may see a woman and THINK ''I like you and I want you'' but you don't communicate that with her, you may go over to her and say ''Oh, hey, I like your shoes'' to in a way sneak under the radar and sneak your way into her liking through kind words and kind actions, thinking she will eventually see what a nice person you are and fall in love with you, but that is not how the real world works, that is simply how a lot of men have been brainwashed to THINK through media and bad mentoring. I may be wrong here, but from my experience, and actually from who I am, I would expect a woman to respect a man that is honest and direct about what he is thinking, what he feels and what he wants, just as I would expect a woman to be with me, and trust me women can be very honest and at times even nasty because a man would never say to a woman what a woman would say to a man, understand? I have noticed your perception of women is a little skewered - they are not princessess or special snowflakes to worship or put on a pedestal, but they are human beings that deserve respect, understand? Women want honesty and directness, even that ferocious aggressiveness is sometimes a turn on in the right context because it's real, that's why these ''assholes'' succeed and ''nice guys'' do not because women see ''nice guys'' as who they truly are - dishonest, cowardly and weak, they are slimy little things even to me so imagine how a woman feels lol. Now, I don't want you to interpret this in the wrong way, there is nothing wrong with being a good guy, in fact women love good guys, who is a man that has strong values and principles, stands by his word, has his shit together and gets shit done, but is also very open, honest and direct about his thoughts, feelings and wants - try to be that kind of guy. Know when to turn off your logical brain and just feel and follow that, be real with yourself and be real with others.

    @GG2002 knows her stuff, I would like to hear her thoughts on this.
     
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  5. StartledKiwi

    StartledKiwi Fapstronaut

    She said she doesn't sees you as anything more than a friend right?

    That's your answer.

    Do you still hope for the day she realizes how good you are and confesses her love for you?

    You're lord of the friendzone because that's what you're settling for.

    Do you want to be around in case she changes her mind?

    You want something more, she doesn't. There's no compatibility there.

    She wants to keep you around for emotional support. Which is why she praises you and tells you how great you are, she knows that's all it takes to keep you around.

    What do you value the most about the friendship you two have?

    You have to let her deal with the consequences of her choices. She has to figure things out on her own. Don't go around trying to fix her.

    By doing what you're doing right now, you're denying yourself and her the opportunity to grow as individuals.

    Stop being there for her.

    Be there for YOURSELF everyday.
     
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  6. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut


    Every day I work on myself, because I want to be the best version of me. I strive to do great things, which is why I started my nofap journey.

    Part of my PMO addiction played a role in me not having enough self confidence when I met her, and I was so many pounds overweight, I didnt dress well, didnt take much care of myself.

    60 pounds less ever since and counting, I bought new clothes and I always keep a clean shave. I show a lot more confidence and I do more with my life than I did when I met her, but of course, I do all these things for me, because no matter how much I improve she will never see me any differently.

    I work on myself and my future for me, never for someone else.
     
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  7. Good attitude. Now carry that into your friendship with her if you continue to be friends. Don't allow yourself to become an emotional kleenex. Set boundaries. Be honest. Don't hold back opinions because you're afraid you'll lose her. Go date some women. Live!
     
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  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    You are directly on point, very well said. If he is truly concerned that she will “come around,” and change her mind, then what he should do is tell her that he has feelings for her and he can no longer just be her friend. But leave the door open if she wants to date. Then just move the heck on. If she wants to date you, if she changes her mind, she will come back around to tell him that. She knows who he is, she knows where to find him, and what he has to offer. If she really does change her mind, she will come back.
     
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  9. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    You are selling yourself short, and settling for less than you deserve.
     
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  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. Yes the men that are aholes are more likely to approach women, because they are usually quite confident in themselves. If his friend is a fairly attractive woman, those are likely the only men that do hit on her, aholes. So often you find an attractive woman who only dates aholes and you think, that must be her fault. But she has come to think all men are like that because thats’ all the men that have the courage to come up to her and talk. Average looking men rarely approach good looking women. I prefer honesty. But some people don’t always see it the same way. When I did online dating if I was not interested in seeing a man, I would tell him that straight up. 99% of the time, he would become angry, and try to convince me that I was wrong. So I did not tell them this in person anymore, I sent a text, and some women just lie because they don’t want to deal with this type of backlash. That’s the reason as you say some women are nasty, and I have been nasty, but it was always after I had tried to make my point kindly the first few go arounds. I think this writer has a ton of amazing traits to offer someone and he is wasting them on this girl who just does not feel the same.
     
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  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am willing to bet there are women in your everyday life that are checking you out when you walk by, and that are interested in dating you, you just have no idea because your are focusing too much on your friend. and 60 pounds, dude that’s awesome. I know how hard it is to lose weight.
     
  12. I think another thing is to be honest with yourself that your question about the possibility of her "coming around" exists because there is still apart of you that wants her approval and validation. You don't need it. Even if you got it, it would not live up to what you've imagined it would be in your head. Keep up the self improvements and never settle for less than what you want and deserve to have. And excellent job on the weighloss! That's a great accomplishment.
     
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  13. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    If you want to attract someone that will love you for who you are and appreciate the connection you two have, you'll have to learn how to love yourself and express yourself authentically without acting like someone you think you need to be to attract her.

    The terms "asshole" and "nice guy" are overly generalized.

    No you don't have to treat women badly / cheat on them / ignore them to be attractive.

    No you don't have to stop being a good guy.

    You just have to be more certain and direct with your intentions. No hidden motives. No manipulating the situation. No compensating / performing / convincing. No making sure she likes you before acting on your desires. No decoding signals. No waiting around until the time is right.

    Being creepy can be described as... unclear vibe, hidden intentions, manipulative, ashamed, try hard, perfectionism, trying to hide, walking on egg shells, and second guessing yourself. If you're unsure of yourself, then why would she ever be sure about being with you?

    This advice goes for friendship as well. You clearly don't approve of the people she dates and the way she uses you as a pillow to cry on. Voice your opinions and honest feelings. If you didn't let things slide so much or approve of her so much, you too can become an "asshole". Because you're being real and expressing yourself authentically. You'll naturally agree and disagree with various aspects of her.

    Set some boundaries at the very least. You sound like you would do anything for her. Would you give her a ride to the house of one of these assholes that treats her badly she has dated in the past? That's pretty much what you're doing. Comforting and giving her the emotional support she needs so that she can continue the cycle of bad relationships with others.
     
  14. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

    I guess I'll never again dwell on hypotheticals. She will never, under any circumstance, see me as more than a friend, and no matter how she treats me in the future, it wont be a sign that things are changing, it will only mean that shes just probably feeling happier with our friendship and nothing more.

    I wont waste time anymore holding on to hope to stop being invisible to her.
     
  15. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

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    This has been a cool thread. I think women and men need to begin communicating with each other openly and honestly in a very direct language about what they think, feel and want. There is too much underlying and covert manipulation and the language that we use to communicate today is too ancient, it was built on deception and lying as a direct consequence and reflection of our society, to survive in a plastic and robotic world. Do not trust the media or what is portrayed in most romance movies, Prince Charming does not get the girl nor does James Bond in reality, there are so many layers to understand in this alone. I think if we can begin simplifying / purifying the words we use, and how we use them in an honest, open and direct manner, then men and women can learn from each other about what is actually happening in reality and not within the mind / fantasy, and the dysfunctional relationship and social dynamics of this dysfunctional society can begin to be mended. I think that's all I have left to say here. I wish you all the best @Onehope
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2018
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  16. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    In my experience, whenever I had hidden intentions, felt ashamed about how I felt, tried to manipulate the situation, or play any sort of games.... that's the kind of people that I attracted into my life. Whenever I was honest, direct, mature, secure about my intentions, and expressed myself in a real and authentic way, that's the people I attracted into my life. Even if they were the type to play games in the past, once they saw that I didn't approve of such behavior they dropped the bullshit because I pretty much gave both of us permission to be real. If not, I was willing to walk away.
     
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  17. Ragnar.Lodbrok

    Ragnar.Lodbrok Fapstronaut

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  18. Ub3rT1m3

    Ub3rT1m3 Fapstronaut

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    This, so much this. Or just bring up another girl that you're already attracted to and say you're thinking of asking her out etc. Then ask for her advice on how to approach it.

    Let us know how she reacts.
     
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  19. Onehope

    Onehope Fapstronaut

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  20. All of your posts was spot on but this part really nailed it. @Onehope you wonder why she keeps dating asshats, well, it's because you're enabling her. Why change if she can have her cake and eat it too!? You will do nothing but help the both of you by setting up boundaries regarding your support. Call her out on her horrible choices. You have a right to do this as a friend since her horrible choice impact you because you always have to hear about them. Being a good friend means being truthful. Good friends call each other out on their bullshit and good friends tell each other to get their shit toghether! ;)
     

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