My wife...

I was just telling one of my children something similar. We were talking about something that was lied about a few weeks back. I gave instructions to apologize to Mom, but that hasn't happened yet. I had to reaffirm and say that until Step 1 apology happens, then there won't really be a fixing of the situation.

So: Yes, @darknight. Many a PA will fear initial disclosure because they aren't ready to talk. Different people need different amounts of details. It's a super difficult issue. But: acknowledging the problem to another person is elemental.

 

At the expense of going in circles, a child typically does not know how to fix a situation, they often need an adult's help. Addicts and addicts' SOs are like a children when it comes to PMO addiction. As a culture/society, we don't really have a working knowledge of addiction, let alone PMO addiction, or sexual health (check out the magazine sex and relationship advice next time in the grocery store and you'll often see it repeated here and elsewhere online). So discolsing PMO to a spouse, usually without any "adult" supervision, i.e. recovery steps, addiction knowledge, etc., is like opening a can of worms, devastating for both spouses. Like children confessing to eachother with no adult path forward. I expect many needless divorces and breakups have happened due to bold and misguided confessions, advised by people with practically no knowledge of the specific persons involved.

It might work for many people, but for some it could be extremely damaging advice. Depends on the person (and we don't really know anyone we meet online).

 

I am not following what you are saying? Do you mean that it’s better for a PMO addict to continue lying and hiding the addiction from a SO because she is not intelligent enough to handle the disclosure or the disclosure will hurt worse than not disclosing? In almost every case a SO will tell you that it’s the hiding and the dishonesty that hurts the most so I can’t think of any person who benefits from not disclosing an addiction but the addict. I knew nothing about pmo addiction when I found out about my ex, but I can read I can analyze I can find resources so I do understand what the experts say. Give the SO some credit. Lying and hiding equals divorce for almost certain telling her may or may not but if you are honest you at least have a shot.

 

I think there is likely some truth to this. When people who have struggled with PMO make the decision to quit it feels great. For the first few days recovery can seem easy. I've seen many bold posts on this site along the lines of "last time", "never again", "quitting forever", etc. The unfortunate fact is that while it is possible, not many PAs will be without relapse during their recovery efforts. Bolstered by temporary confidence after deciding to quit P, I can see PAs making declarations to their SOs that they sadly will not be able to remain faithful to despite truly believing they are capable of doing so when they initially make them.

 

My wife is pissed after finding out, on an emotional rollercoaster, it is all my fault, I will pray that I have no relapses, I can not chance on loosing her, it was way too many years for the right one to walk into my life.

 

I was reading the thread wondering if somebody with any critical thinking would jump in. Sorry everybody but these are not times to do anything drastic, there's a lot of confusion going on in our brain and one would be a fool to believe he's thinking straight. It might feel a great idea to admit guilt at this time but addiction has a way to manipulate your brain and make you believe things that are not real. This kind of conversation requires a clear mind and skills, there's a lot at stake and the most probable is that one will end up adding injury. For something that important, I will speak first with a professional and allow enough time to digest the situation.

 

@jyvais I know what you mean, too.

Problem is, many guys can't get off Week 1 or even Day 3 without some support. So, what then?

Some wives are that support necessary to bridge the reboot into 90/365/etc. I definitely did the "recovery in the dark" thing for a 90 reboot wife unawares and had it work. Then again, my wife probably knew in her heart that I was struggling with something. Even to the point of beating myself like electroshock therapy, trying anything. Being "clear" is certainly best. And, being ready to deal with the avalanche that will inevitably and deservedly take place. Some people we've seen here do have a relationship that's a lot more understanding, so making that decision is individual.

 

Far be it from me to tell others how to live their lives when I can barely keep mine together, but: are you really sure that's a) the solution to your problems, and b) generally a good idea? Wouldn't you want to talk to your doctor or shrink or someone else 'in the know' about it first, before popping any pills? Especially if the process is irreversible?

 

So... what happens after you stop using the pills? I'd think this is more about re-wiring your brain more actively than using a chemical to "give yourself a break".
You could go right back to your habits once you stop the pill. In fact I would think it's quite likely, if you don't plan on actively trying to stop the habits on your own first.

So this pill just stops you from producing testosterone? From what I've read it can either decrease or increase your sex drive.
Not sure this is a great idea to try, personally. The side effects look awful to me. Here's a link to a webpage I found on it.

Not trying to put words in your wife's mouth or anything - But it's likely she may agree with you simply because she wants the behavior to stop. She may not care how it's done. But to me this way seems counter-productive to a healthy view on sex. I'm sorry if that offends in any way.

Have you considered going to a counselor? There are CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists) all over the place, depending on what country you live in.

 

I AM NOT A DOCTOR.

But Androcur sounds like an absolutely terrible idea. Men are supposed to have testosterone flowing: our bodies and brains are made for it. Per Wiki, this stuff is used "as a component of feminizing hormone therapy for transgender women".

The side effects include:

" sexual dysfunction, mental symptoms like depression, fatigue, and irritability, vitamin B12 deficiency, and elevated liver enzymes. "

I added the bold for emphasis: those are things that will not help your marriage or your life.

The idea is to let your brain "reboot" away from porn - and then "rewire" it so that sex with your wife is the thing you respond to sexually. I think Adrocur will dramatically hinder the second. It may make the first seem easier - but may set you up because you will not have truly changed your will. I can't say, I'm not a doctor.

I am not married, so I have even less actual experience, but, speculatively, if this is what my wife came up with, I'd really be wondering just exactly how supportive she really was. ETA: went back and saw you both came up with it.

 

Yes! 100% all of this !

I still want all of this and we are further along in our journey...

 

Excessive MOing reduces testosterone anyway so I don't know why you want to reduce it further? I'm taking zinc supplements to help build my testosterone back up so I can be an active, thinking, fully functioning man and not a brainless, wanking husk.