My wife...

Well, basically the best advice is to tell her. Now, you shouldn't just spring it upon her randomly. My wife has always had a good idea of how to go about doing this. She suggests writing a letter of disclosure detailing not only what you have done in your relationship with her, but how remorseful you are and how much you really care. A well-rounded letter of what you did, showing your remorse and detailing what you're doing to change that may make it easier to "digest" so to speak. It will still be incredibly hard for her to read it and may not make her reaction any better, however, it will make healing significantly better and easier for both of you if you disclose it to her and in a way such as that rather than just telling her out of nowhere or her finding out. It may also help to let her know that the letter she is about read may be hard to hear. Or just prepare her in some way.

I hope this helps

 

Agree with @Jak3. Honesty is best. Read some of the SOs posts about finding out w/o disclosure or
Having partial disclosure, only to find out more later.

Think about what you want to say. Write it down. Think about it some more. Sit her down and tell her. Make sure you are honest and gentle. Make sure you have a plan as to how you will recover. Make sure you understand how this addiction works in case she has questions.

And be prepared. Answer every question as honestly as possible—no lying. She may get mad, throw things, scream, hit you, go silent, threaten to leave, kick you out or divorce you. She may say “I know.”

Be honest.

 

@KarlMax I would do the above.
I was told via a text....... a short stupid text. it was sprung on me.

I would have much rather received a letter because reading things allows you to think before you simply react impulsively.
There are days my husband and i only communicate about this stuff via text or emails now because its much easier and calmer.
It works for us. It will give her a chance to decide if she wants to respond verbally or reply via a letter as well.
best of luck

 

We sat at the table.
It was good.
I felt focused on.
I was enraged....
I discovered but when he went to disclose... He sat me down and tried to hold my hand.
I think I would have thrown a letter away.
Really depends on the woman... I know most women would like a very detailed letter.

 

Do you think it's wise to mention your wife by name?

 

True. But if your username is your actual name it's a bit of a risk imo. But it's up to you.

 

I would err on the side of less details than more and only offer more detail if she specifically ask for. Some women (let alone men) do not understand the nature of PMO.

Don't talk to her unless you have detailed plan of how to recover. If you don't have a plan, do some reading and research and write one out. It should probably include a daily schedule, positive habits, things you will replace PMO with, things you absolutely have to cut out of your life that lead you to PMO, etc.

Plan on educating her about addiction if you tell her. Hope for the best but expect the worst possible reaction. People are very unpredictable when approached with this type of information. She could leave you.

Only tell her if you think it will improve your relationship. If you think you can leave PMO in your past without hurting her by telling her, I would do that. Don't tell her only to make you feel better. It will only hurt her, and it will not cure you. You need a plan and a new philosophy to live your life apart from porn. Wives rarely get men out of PMO addiction. It usually takes other men to challenge and encourage them along. It's difficult to expect women to understand the male brain.

Don't make snap decisions, take time to thoroughly think about it. Praying for you.

 

Yes absolutely be honest with her. I am a SO, feel free to message me if you need

 

My ex was a pmo addict and I found out on my own and as many others SOs have said it’s the lying and hiding things that hurts the most a lot more than the pmo. I want to give you props for choosing to tell her and for being honest that takes a lot of courage. None of us can tell for sure how she will react we all feel differently. Often if a man has been struggling in bed or the couple is having other issues the SO suspects already something is not right and hearing an explanation can actually initially provide some relief. There will be anger and pain and it will likely be like that for a very long time longer than you would like. Some days things will seem fine others she may rage or cry. You will need to work yard on rebuilding trust and that means being honest to a fault I strongly disagree with the poster above who says to not offer details instead over offer. You don’t want to make her think you are hiding anything if she says to stop abide by that. Otherwise tell her. Be patient don’t be defensive or evasive and let her see that you will do whatever it takes to fix this. You cannot recover without honesty.

 

Leaving out details unless asked from an So’s perspective is not generally sound advice. The only thing it serves to do is protect the addict from feeling the pain they will have in seeing the SOs reaction. As you state most people know nothing about pmo so relying on her to ask specific pointed questions before you reveal answers is unfair. How can she possibly know what to ask you if she knows nothing about pmo? The only way she can begin to understand is by you explaining it to her. When you have lost trust and are trying too rebuild it the best advice is to be overly honest because you don’t want to later have her think you again lied to her because you failed to tell her something she deemed important because she did not ask a pointed question that’s a cowardly cop out and shows you are not ready to be truly honest with her and encouraging someone to try to overcome pmo on his own while continuing to hide it from her is a huge recipie for failure of the relationship. Again two words total honesty! It is not about you asking her to help you in recovery it’s about being honest with your partner.

 

Everyone knows what the various acts of PMO are, however it's nature (or reasons why) are largely unknown and can vary greatly from person to person or couple to couple. Getting into the specifics of what types of porn, detailed places and times you acted out, even what an addict thinks his reasons were can be extremely complex, wrong, or easily done very poorly unless he and his spouse first have extensive therapy, which many if not most addicts and their spouses will not have the opportunity to undergo beforehand, let alone afford. I'm mainly advising to thoroughly think things through before assuming a tell-all is the always the best solution for every couple. Best case scenario: addicts recover with help, move on, and their spouses enjoy improved partners.

 

No everyone does not know what the acts of PMO are and even if they did every addict is different. The SO should be the guide here. If she tells you she wants to know everything if you have any chance of regaining her trust you have to tell her everything.

 

I wrote this up for a friend of mine a few weeks ago:


Preparation is very important before disclosing. Some people blurt things out and cause more damage and trauma than necessary.

------------------

Practical things

------------------

Find a place where you are both comfortable talking and won't be interrupted.

Allow plenty of time to talk about it.

Do not expect things to be settled after one discussion.

Plan for a short disclosure speech followed up by a question-and-answer discussion.

Plan and initiate follow up discussions to answer any additional questions and resolve any issues.

Have tissues nearby.

-------------------

Her Perspective

-------------------

After disclosing, she may be shocked, scared, angry, confused, fooled, or numb.

MANY wives feel the lies and secrecy are worse than the porn viewing itself.

She may view it as a betrayal.

She may view this as her fault.

She may lose trust and respect in you.

Or, she may be understanding and supportive.

Some wives do not care about how long your streak is.

She may not want to be touched, hugged, or kissed afterward... follow her lead.

She might need help and support from others to process her feelings.

She may go through a roller-coaster of feelings... one day good, one day bad.

She may not understand what it means to have an addiction and view your behavior as choices.

--------------------

Your Perspective

--------------------

Take total ownership of the problem.

Seek forgiveness.

Do what you can to heal her wounds.

Be open, honest, and transparent.

Do not flood her with details.

Answer questions truthfully and do not lie by omission.

Explain, but be careful of justifying or minimizing.

Tell her what concrete steps you are taking to fix the problem.

Establish what level of detail she wants and choose your words carefully... some information will hurt more than help. (For instance, confessing what you looked at might cause her to compare herself to what you used to watch.)

Be careful that follow up discussions are not causing repeated trauma... think of a death by a thousand paper cuts analogy. (When wives ask too many detailed follow-up questions that is often a sign of insecurity and fear.)

Be ready to explain how someone can be addicted to porn, but be careful about using it as an excuse.

If she is supportive and asks what she can do to help, have something (small or big) prepared... try to incorporate her into your recovery.

-----------------------------------------

What to Include in your Disclosure

-----------------------------------------

Admit your conscience is bothering you and have a secret that needs come out.

Admit that you have a problem, that it is more than a habit, but an addiction.
Explain you are starting to get it under control.

Explain the scope and duration of the problem - PMO, chats, camming, real life acting out, or if money has been spent.

Accept responsibility and assure her that NONE of this is her fault, nor did she make it worse.

Explain that you are going to fix this and that she is not obligated to help, but you would like her support.

Explain what steps you have been taking to fix this problem. You can mention this community.

Say that you are sorry for hiding this for so long and you want to make things right.

Say that she is entitled to whatever feelings she has.

Acknowledge that you have hurt, not only yourself, but you have hurt her and your relationship... and state that you intend to fix that part of the problem too.

Say that you want to be transparent and that you will answer any questions.

Ask about what you can do to help her process and understand that she might not know what she needs.

Let her know that resources are available to her. Make definitive plans to follow up with her.


This might seem like a lot of stuff to say. You might not need to say it all, but it’s good to be prepared for all of these scenarios. If you want to write a script for part of your disclosure then that's ok. If you want to write an outline then that's ok too. Some may view this a being less sincere, but it also shows how serious you are about being open and honest. Think about forming an Action Plan which includes expectation, boundaries, and consequences... this can make them feel safe and help rebuild their trust in us. In fact, working together can sometimes bring a couple closer together.

 

This is spot on from my perspective as an ex SO. The only things I would add is that the addict needs to keep saying this things if not daily at least weekly and follow his words with actions. I think most are very sorry in the initial disclosure but the problem starts when the addict feels the SO needs to move on and no longer wants to bring it up, you really have to keep saying and doing until she no longer needs it. And no matter how much planning or outlines used the reaction is likely to be a negative one. There is not much you can do to change that so addicts need not stress so much it the words don’t come out right. I think the planning part is more for the addict to ease anxiety and less for the SO. But just remember no matter how badly she reacts it would be 100 times worse if she found out herself. You are doing the right thing.

 

@KarlMax Where is the introduction you mentioned, if it's still up? Since your profile is locked down, it's a little harder to find your threads, but all I show from the user search is this one.

It looks like you've had some great contributions here. I have nothing more to add to the substance of information from @i_wanna_get_better1. I will, however, add that we've seen both kinds of reboots in the 40+ section (where I'd invite you to start a journal, btw). I was very fortunate to have my marriage stay intact and lots of support. I was also not plagued by very many relapses, so it may have been easier for my wife to accept? Some people do go through a divorce from this disclosure. But, IMHO!, it might have been due to many other circumstances, or an unwillingness to really submit to a recovery process and the full disclosure needed by so many wives.

The good news is you are headed in the right direction. Motivate yourself and proceed with great endurance through to the last horizon. Self-improvement awaits. Peace awaits. True intimacy in marriage awaits.

 

God bless you for doing this. I’m so proud of you!

 

Key point here: recovery process AND disclosure. Disclosure without a recovery process is an epic disaster waiting to happen.