My take after successful 30 days NO PMO

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Deleted Account, Jan 29, 2018.

  1. Since I turned 32 on 9th November 2017, my resolve to break free from PMO has grown ever stronger and I achieved another 30 days free of PMO during this period of time. I have learned a lot of lessons but I came to one realization.

    I never really understood engaging in self improvement activities without actually addressing the underlying problem was cosmetic. I would engage in exercise, reading self help books, kick boxing, cold showers etc thinking that these activities would actually help me overcome PMO. While they worked for a while in the end it was an exercise in futility as I kept on relapsing. I realized I had cultivated self hate and feelings of inadequacy for a very long time subconsciously. This all came to be because of my upbringing. I never experienced a close relationship with my parents as they were absent many times during my childhood working to put food on the table. On top of that, my father was a perfectionist and “you are not good enough” was a constant as a child. One never realizes the impact this has on children. To make matters worse, later down the line, my younger siblings received much love and care and are much closer to my parents now. I often wondered why I received such neglect from my parents. What was wrong with me? This also started to affect my interactions with my peers as a teenager and I slowly began to withdraw from people and became a loner. I found solace in living in a fantasy world. I would create elaborate worlds in my imagination and “live” there in those worlds for long periods to escape the pain of rejection. Later, porn and masturbation became the perfect world.

    I hated the real world. I hated people. People always seemed to reject me left right and center. Getting rejected by girls and later women was the worst. So living in my world where I was the hero and I was fully accepted was awesome. Only I did not know how much damage it was doing. Later, this fantasy world would prove to be a mental prison that made me contemplate ending my life on numerous occasions.

    Now that I am addressing my deep seated issues, I have seen a major improvement in overcoming PMO. I am developing self love every single day. And wow, it is a breath of fresh air to my life. For me, self love is a basic need as much as water and food. When you accept yourself as being whole and not damaged goods no matter what you experienced earlier on in life, you begin to change. As the Bible says, love your neighbor as yourself. If you don’t love yourself, forget about loving others. Other people become burdens to your life including family. You start to look at the people from a very pessimistic view and the world becomes a very dark place. Your life becomes meaningless.

    So in essence, I am healing. I have accepted that I did not receive the kind of love I desired as a child and stopped blaming my father and mother. I am the firstborn and it must have been hard for first time parents to bring up a child in this world. They surely could have not known everything on how to bring up a child in this world. They learned their lessons and applied them on raising my siblings. I also have a friend whose father abandoned him at the age of 3. He is always bitter and resentful about it. His life is a constant struggle against inadequacy and feelings of rejection. It made me appreciate and grateful that I had a father who actually cared to stay in my life. My father expressed his love for me in a different way I guess. I am working on improving my relationship especially with my father. He is still a perfectionist but I am more accepting. My relationship with my mother has improved immeasurably.

    Yes, life is much better when PMO is no longer a major part of my life. Increased confidence is really good. My communication skills have improved immensely. Energy has increased as I now don’t wake up feeling so groggy. In fact, I need less sleep than usual. I am now coding every day as my desire is to become a full stack web developer. I have always loved programming and tech in general. I hate my current job of being a customer service representative. And my skin is super smooth with regard to my face. After years of acne like swellings, they have “disappeared”.

    It is not all a bed of roses though. My relationship with my GF is on the verge of ending. I can feel it. Ever since I fully committed to NoFAP, things have not worked out well. I am still not sure why but I suspect that before when I was casual with NoFAP, I would attend to her every need and desire. Now I want to take care of myself more and she has become withdrawn. Also, I have become a self help book junkie and I think this is dangerous. I am constantly looking for some esoteric information that may take me to the next level as it were.

    In essence, this is my take after this successful period. While self improvement is an important part in overcoming PMO, you cannot forget to heal from your internal wounds. The pain that is simmering below while being suppressed needs to be addressed. Otherwise, self improvement in itself will not have lasting changes or the change is temporary. For permanent change, look beyond the symptoms. Self love is key to breaking free from PMO.
     
    jlsl16, ALEX_88, Destroyporn and 21 others like this.
  2. NewLifeForGood86

    NewLifeForGood86 Fapstronaut

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    Great post! Absolutely agree. Before starting nofap I was also in a similar trial which had made me hate myself and my life. Fortunately I understood and attacked this problem from my first streak of no pmo, which was around 1 month, and it basically turned around my life. The discipline in other areas, such as work, projects, exercise, prayer/meditation, sleeping routine etc. Definitely also had a great impact, but it was definitely the change of mind set that was the key factor. Now, although I’m far from fully recovered, I’m just much happier and appreciative about life and the things that I have, and it makes my everyday better.
    Keep walking towards your goals with that attitude in life, and I’m sure you’ll get far.
     
  3. workHard

    workHard Fapstronaut

    " Also, I have become a self help book junkie and I think this is dangerous. I am constantly looking for some esoteric information that may take me to the next level as it were."

    Yeah, I love reading about how to improve myself too because it's about the novelty of the information (I guess it kinda parallels with you know what) but the thing is it's hard to implement lke 50+ ideas and it may seem that you are being productive by reading all this stuff but honestly actually implementing them is harder than it sounds.

    And nice on pushing through with your past life - at least now you are moving forwards. Congrats with the benefits too, I would love to have this acne on my face disappear as well!
     
  4. ShyMonk555

    ShyMonk555 Fapstronaut

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    wow what an awesome honest post..i could relate to it so much my dads a perfectionist too..and i don't want to blame him but not being able to live to his standards has caused problems to him and me..but acceptance and being away from pmo is helping me though i have slipped a lot of times i hope this time i turn it around and i will take a key pointer from your post...self love is really important and i will try to be content with who i am and hopefully things get better thanks a lot for this post really gave me my motivation fix for the day :)
     
  5. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    This tremendous as both an insight and experience, @Cremona Bee! Congratulations!

    For the longest time, I too tried to tackle pmo without attending more fundamental issues. I got some pretty good streaks of sobriety out of this - but they (1) always had a sense of 'hanging on' to them, (2) never went as deep into the addiction as I felt was necessary, and (3) never lasted.

    Only since I became willing to acknowledge and work with some of the more difficult aspects of my person and life have I seen these three begin to shift. And, while things are by no means a bed of roses, they have all shifted in ways I previously could not imagine. And, from time to time, I feel really good about myself! Go figure!

    So all the best to you and yours. Keep up the good work!
     
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  6. Vcplpjz

    Vcplpjz Fapstronaut

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    This is the first experience I've read on this forum, after I've finally decided to end my addiction to PMO. I totally agree about what you say. Its not enough to engage in self improvement activities (being addicted to PMO for almost 10 years, I've tried many times to quit trought these activities, without any real improvement).

    All these years I've considered myself a 'sick' person and hated myself for being an addict to PMO. But your post has helped me to understand that those attitudes are only feeding more the addiction. Thanks.
     
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  7. BestICanBe

    BestICanBe Fapstronaut

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  8. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Great to read about your recovery, sounds like it's working out so far :)

    In regards to your GF and self help books:

    It's interesting so many people here want a GF, but just being in any relationship isn't a real goal. Only you can say, but you may indeed find you want to move on to a better relationship if your current one is too one sided.

    Self help books are great, problem is they often oppose each other and offer little in facts to back up some of their claims. More people are depressed than ever, but more people are buying self-help books than ever too. So are they working? Or just a band aid approach reflecting supply and demand?

    One book 'the happiness trap' uses a psychology theory, and one chapter discusses this very issue of a self help book epidemic. You may find it a good read...
     
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  9. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    This is a helpful, though extremely painful, insight, @Vcplpjz. I really appreciate your blunt honesty.

    Those attitudes - I'm sick and I hate myself - have certainly been part of the bedrock of my own addiction experience. Stopping pmo is great, but these specific points of view have, for me at least, needed to be brought out into the light of awareness for recovery to progress and deepen.

    Not the easiest task in the world, of course. But oh so necessary.
     
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  10. I am glad that my experience is relatable to you and has had a positive effect. We are all here to encourage one another to get to our ultimate goal of being PMO free. Today I encourage tomorrow you encourage me. I wish you all the best in your journey to recovery.
     
    VeganRights likes this.
  11. Thanks for your appreciation. Yes, I agree. My current relationship is not working for the both of us. We both have deep seated issues and that has created a toxic environment of dependence. Its now that my eyes are fully open to this cold hard fact.
    With regards to self help books, I could not agree more. One book presents this idea and the other presents a completely different one on the same subject based on the latest pseudoscience. Its crazy.
    I have heard of the book the Happiness trap. In fact, I have it in my e-book collection but I am still to never read it. I will definitely read it based on your recommendation.
     
    Reborn16 likes this.
  12. Thanks you...much appreciated. All the best in your journey also. I see you are 7 days in the clear.
     
  13. Floweringlife

    Floweringlife Fapstronaut

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    Great post. I relate a lot- I’m learning more self love and had issues with self hatred and depression as well.
    Thanks for sharing your story!!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  14. I am touched that my story has had such an impact on you and that it was the first story you read. I too have benefited a lot from reading others success stories. Continue to read the success stories section and you will continue to get encouragement. All the best!
     
    Vcplpjz likes this.
  15. Aradesh

    Aradesh Fapstronaut

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    Hey! Good job on abstaining from PMO. I do have a question though. Does the above realisation come from a so-called 'self-medication' or from a careful research by a psychologist/psychotherapist? I'm not criticising, just curious because my circumstances were similar.

    Thanks,
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. Thanks for your appreciation and own personal sentiments about your own experience. How did you change your mindset ? It would be insightful to know this.
     
  17. 5adn8m8

    5adn8m8 Fapstronaut

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    This was absolutely incredible. You have managed to forgive your parents and accept them exactly the way they are. You approve of and love yourself. Miracles are about to happen in your life because your personality is becoming what you need to succeed in life.
    I can see you like reading about self-help, so I definitely suggest you to read the book "YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE" from Louise L. Hay. The book is amazing!
    GOOD LUCK and thank you for sharing your story!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. Thanks you for the appreciation and question. The realization only came from the acquisition of knowledge by some experts if you may. In my obsession to recover, I have read a few books and articles. The first time it came upon me that this addiction may have its roots in my childhood was when I read the book that is recommended in YBOP website, No More Mr Nice Guy. This book seemed to describe me in accurate detail and I was puzzled. I did more research and came across Dr Gabor Mate who has done some research on early childhood psychology and how it relates to various addictions that afflict people later in life. In his research and view, he emphasizes that addictions in many instances are rooted in early childhood trauma such as lack of emotional attachment or neglect by parents. Researching his work, doing a lot of soul searching and applying this knowledge was what helped come to my realization which of course is subjective but it has worked wonders in making it much easier in dealing with overcoming PMO as I am now dealing with the real issue and not just the symptoms.
    To come to the conclusion that self love/self compassion is very important in dealing with depression which seems to be an inescapable consequence of porn/masturbation addiction, I read the book by Glenn R Schiraldi called 10 Simple Solutions for Building Self Esteem. It is book based on cognitive therapy which perhaps you have heard of, a treatment pioneered by psychotherapist Aaron T Beck. I also read the book Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It by Kamal Ravikant offers practical steps on loving yourself.
     
  19. I agree it is hard to implement all these ideas that we read from all these books. I think it might be better to have like a collection of just the best 5 books and stick to them. However, how do you determine which are the best books to read? I find that people have very varied opinions on the best books. So I just read and read and read.
     
  20. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    Many thanks for this post, @Cremona Bee.

    While I deeply appreciated your initial offering, the specific details offered here are powerful and inspiring.
     
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