1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

My story

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by PMOMG, May 20, 2013.

  1. PMOMG

    PMOMG New Fapstronaut

    2
    0
    1
    Hello,

    I am new to NoFap, and I thought I should share my story. Just sort of lay it all out. I consider myself an addict, and I think part of my recovery is getting over the shame and telling the whole, ugly truth.

    As a lonely, socially awkward teenager, I started with my dad's Playboy magazines. When I got my first dial-up internet around age 17, I immediately became obsessed with internet porn. Of course, the more I did it, the more novelty I craved. Wilder scenarios, celebrities, amateurs, and all different races and body types. I was viewing women as a collection of fetishes rather than as people.

    When I acted out, it felt like I was under the influence of a powerful drug. My judgment was incredibly clouded. Then, when I finished, I would feel tremendous shame. I had to learn to almost partition off the part of my brain that did the PMO from the rest of me so that I could face the world.

    As I continued to lack confidence and success with real women, I grew increasingly dissatisfied with pictures, stories, and videos and sought out more interactive forms of online self-gratification. I would go on Yahoo and Flickr groups, contact the women who posted photos, exchange photos of myself, and seek out online chat and webcam sites. I was looking for validation as well as sexual release. I had always been overweight, and desperately wanted to feel attractive to women.

    When I turned 25, I made a commitment to lose weight. Over the next year and a half, I lost a lot of weight, but didn’t really feel any more confident. I continued to use internet pornography, messaging, and webcams as before. I also liked to seek out people and groups that were based locally. I always kept a certain separation between my online activities and my real life, using a fake name, separate email, not giving out an address or phone number. So I never tried to meet-up IRL with any of these people, but I liked the voyeuristic thrill of peaking in on things that were happening in my area.

    I knew I needed to break free from this cycle, so I tried to give it up and commit myself to meeting real women and having real experiences. It was rough at first, some awkward conversations, some disappointment, a bit of bad sex. But then it led to meeting Bethany, and things were good.

    At this point, I thought I was done with internet porn. I had always thought that as soon as I had an actual girlfriend, the desire to act out online would go away automatically. But the craving for those internet activities came back, and I acted on them. Beth caught me once, and told me she could deal with me looking at internet porn as long as it was non-interactive and non-local. So I agreed to restrict my internet porn use accordingly.

    I kept to the arrangement for a little while, but then I got too comfortable with using some porn and I slipped back into old habits. Not only that, but even when I kept to the “okay” porn, I was using and saving truly ridiculous quantities. The only thing that had really changed was that I did get a bit better at hiding it all.

    Most weeks, I would fap two, maybe three times. When Beth was out of town, or especially busy, I would use more frequently, and be more likely to move from regular porn to trying to cam with or message girls.

    Of course, the massive amount of porn was affecting my sex life with Beth. Part of me had always felt some insecurity about how much she actually enjoyed sex with me. I guess it seemed easier to just “take care” of myself. In hindsight, I realize I was suffering from porn-induced ED, but at the time I would not have admitted it.

    In spite of all this, most of our life together was very happy, and we made plans to get married in the fall. Then, about two weeks ago, she found a few things in my browser history. At first, I tried to deny and minimize it. But she is a savvy internet detective, and soon she was finding more and more until I had to just go ahead and give her my passwords so that she could see everything. Obviously, she was furious, my sins made worse by my secrecy and dishonesty.

    As everything came out and was laid upon the table, even I was surprised by some of it. There were bookmarks and passwords and messages and pictures that I had long forgotten. I had become way too good at blocking out what I was doing as soon as I finished. I had to see it all at once to really appreciate how out of control I was. A little bit of “harmless fun” here and there was in danger of taking over my life and costing me my fiancée.

    Beth and I fought for a couple of days. Well, she lashed out at me and punished me for what I had done. I didn’t really fight back because, well, she was right. I knew I was completely in the wrong.

    After we fought, Beth left. I didn’t know if she would ever come back, but I knew that I needed to change. I finally realized that I need to quit porn outright. I am not capable of just sticking to acceptable porn in moderate quantities. It was difficult for the first few days. I felt such loneliness and shame and boredom. But I started channeling those feelings in other ways, like exercise, and being productive.

    About a week after she left, my fiancée did come back, and we are trying to work it out and get past this together. I am giving up porn and other internet sexual content outright. I have installed filter software on all computers and my phone, and let her set the password. It is not going to be easy to re-earn her trust. I have had to open up and talk honestly about things that I have been hiding out of shame for 20 years. That is part of why I am writing this story right now.

    Actually fighting the cravings has been surprisingly easy so far. After the first three days, I have had almost no desire to “act out.” I feel like I was under a spell that has been lifted. It is tempting to think that I have won this war, but I know that is dangerous thinking.

    Beth found this site, which I think will be a great help. I am very impressed by the supportiveness and the level of participation here. I am doing some other programs, too, and am going to see a therapist tomorrow.

    One thing that I keep going back to is this. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and would be hurtful to Beth if she ever found out. So I should have stopped myself a long time back. And yet, if I think on it honestly, I cannot think of anything short of getting caught and almost losing the love of my life that would have snapped me out of it. So, if my story has a message, I want it to be this: Don’t wait until porn addiction costs you what is most important. If you are on this site, you are already taking an important first step.
     
  2. Dogwood

    Dogwood Fapstronaut

    1,517
    98
    48
  3. Fapstroknot

    Fapstroknot Fapstronaut

    53
    6
    8
    I hope your relationship works out. The sad part is your story is not that different from a lot of people I know. Some people are just better at hiding it than others. The most important thing is that you recognize that it is a problem. Also, welcome to the forum :)
     
  4. mytimetochange

    mytimetochange Fapstronaut

    10
    0
    1
    hey man .good reboot u r lucky that yr gf understand the issue . its gonna help ua lot.i had the same case before .fight for your life
     

Share This Page