I'm dealing with a hard time in my life and I heard this was a good place to discuss loneliness, depression, and temptation. I also want support from my fellow brothers and sisters. So here's my rant. For the past 3 or 4 years I've been trying to find a girlfriend, and someone to hopefully spend the rest of my life with, while on and off taking breaks to focus on myself and keep my confidence up. That hasn't really worked out as I'm not very social and most people's standards, including my own are high. I've been rejected about 9 or 10 times in my life. My last attempt was the most successful but hurt the most. I decided to try online dating 3 months ago because all of my other attempts have been in person. About 2 and a half months ago, and 4 apps later, I got my only match. We hit it off well, had a lot in common, shared the same faith, and similar views, talked just about every day, recently started FaceTiming, and I was about to ask her out on a date. A couple of days ago however, I learned that she wasn't a virgin, and used to frequently smoke pot. While I wasn't trying to judge her, I was pretty shocked. I thought things over, and decided to talk to her about it. She seemed like she was losing interest in me, asked her about it, and apologized for unintentionally judging her. She got pretty mad, accused me of judging her again and then told me about her past and told me we weren't right for each other. Her father physically abused her mother and her brother when she was little, and left the family when she was 5. When she was 14 someone broke into her family's house and raped her. A few years later, she used to have sex with her boyfriend and smoked weed to cope and forget her pain. I then told her that I understood, didn't intend to judge her, accepted her for who she was, and would be willing to continue the relationship. She said that this was a pretty huge misunderstanding and that it probably wouldn't work out, but that she was sorry, and didn't want to hurt me. Right now I don't know what to do. I was pretty depressed before I met her, and when I was with her, I always was on an emotional high. Now my depression is back full force, I'm really doubting my faith, and am tempted to look at porn. Why would God bring this beautiful, sweet, empathetic, woman into my life and take her away in the blink of an eye? He has a sense of humor, but he's not sadistic. It took me 4 years to find her, and have never connected with a woman like that. I'm anything but physically attractive, and if it's going to take me another 4 years or more to maybe find someone, what's the point in trying? What's the point in saving myself until I'm married if I'm just going to get rejected again and will always be a virgin? Finally, why would God let this poor girl go through all this shit? Normally you’d think you only get one Hellish experience in your life. Instead she gets 2.
I understand what your going through. But according what you say, your relationship started wrong from the beginning. To start with, you should be focused on being the kind of person that God wants you to be. You're not in this world to be worried about yourself (Mat 6.33), God loves you and made you to worship Him separated from Him you won't accomplish ANYTHING (Epf. 2.10; John 15). You're created to praise your Lord. And that implies to deny yourself, to be more like Jesus by taking your cross everyday praying, reading the word, and loving others (Lc 9.23; Mc. 8.34). Are you going to a church? Serving God and your brothers? (Heb. 10.23-25). That's the kind of person who finds a women on God's standards, and believe me, His standards are far more better than yours, or mine. He knows you very well ! (Mat. 10.30) before you were born (Psal 22.10; 71.6, Is. 44.2). And He is eternal I think He knows a bit more of us than ourselves, lol . You can read about that kind of woman on Proverbs 31. When you find that woman consider it a gift from God, cos' she is!! (Prov. 18.22). Instead of apps and date sites, try serve at a church, by serving you'll make more friends. Do bible studies on groups, ask on your church for help on that. Your faith should be on God not on sites or apps. God is the best "site" to dwell, and living His ways is the best "application" of wisdom (Psal 91.1; Prov 2.2). Maybe what God is telling you is to try to be more social. To be shy, is to be afraid of others sometimes, to be intimidated by them, isn't He telling you to conquer your fears? to be brave and courageous like Joshua? Try to be open, to start conversations to make new christian friends to talk to, and share about you and your worries. They are the ones with good counseling, if they are firm on the word of God. Pray God that like David had Jonatan you be able to have a friend to trust and help you stay on His way. You might find one here ! Porn will only make you addicted and more selfish! There no women that like a man hooked up on porn! Not so long I was telling to other brother here that on Mat 7.21-23 the word "fornication" is the greek word "porneia" from where we get porn. The conclusion of Jesus is that this is coming form a sinful heart, and can end up being a contamination to your soul. You have a lot to live yet your young!! To put more pressure on you won't help you at all. Put your eyes on Jesus (Heb. 12.1-2) and on the things that are really important (Colossians 3.1-3). Look around, everybody here is trying to get rid of it, what on earth would make you think that it would be a good a idea to cope with your pain! Isn't that the same thing that your friend was doing? I mean using an addiction to cope with her pains and fears? My friend you have to set your priorities where they belong. We are all here trying to do that. My piece of advice to you is to find counselor on your church to talk to regularly to guide you on this things he or she can give even more help. You can also find help 24/7 on chatnow.org which is a christian site of counseling. I wish you the best brother on this journey. God blesses and love you everyday. After all He personally has chosen YOU to live and share His Gospel to others.
I think you need to ask your self one thing. What do you want out of life? (Generally no mater who is asked this the answer will always be I want to be happy etc... ) Just as it should be i mean who doesn't want to be happy. After all is happens a far off destination or a daily even hourly journey. Often a battle within ones self rather than the external reasoning. I think that perspective we can rearrange ones thinking. For example often i think about the wows me when our family had a house fire and lost most of our oldest girls room and all it's contents. Then i saw on the news a fue days later the after math of the fire's in Cal where people lost there homes, town's even many lives were lost. My point is with the self care that we need to do as addicts is even more important that we keep our attitudes / perspectives in check and not give into the world and doubts of life(I don't know your personal needs but if you need to get medication or see someone for your depression then that means you taking the actions to get that help). after all the advisory uses this world to do just that to stop us from doing whats right and he will use any tool to accomplish this including playing on our emotions. I have a sister that all she wanted was to get married and spend the rest of her life with, just like you. Well the lord had different plans for her, she put her self out there continuously even moved to a larger city to increase her chances and never gave up. But it still took her 26 years searching and waiting before she finally got married. Turns out that her now husband was not living a life of god during those years and it took him longer than most to correct. But they are by far the most perfect and evenly yoked folks i have ever seen, if ever there was a definition of perfect marriage it would be them. It's true what they say anything good in life is worth waiting for. Keep working your plan and don't give in to temptation and most of all don't give up on faith that heavenly father will provide someone for you in time. But that also means that you need to keep up your part. you can do this and he will help lift you up to accomplish your richuse desires.
Thank you both for your support in my inner crusade. I'm a member of my campus ministry and also discussed this with my pastor yesterday evening after service. He said something along the same lines as you. I need to be patient, trust God, let him take care of me, and remain faithful. He is in control and things don't happen overnight. The end of Proverbs really spoke to me. Thinking back on it, I've lowered my standards a lot and that hasn't helped. It's worth more to be patient and find someone who's faithful to me and God and someone who's supportive and caring. Instead of me judging her, I think she was being a bit immature and judging me. In a relationship you're supposed to support each other, not put each other down. I'm definitely going to be a lot more social, and represent/serve God in my community in the near future. I'm part of a joint transfer program between the local community college and the large, local university, and am transferring in the fall. I'm also taking a summer job at a museum near campus. I agree that talking regularly with my campus pastor would benefit me, so I can stay on track with what God wants for me. As for my struggle with temptation, I haven't succumbed to it as of now. I think God has given me a solution. Focusing on my classwork, friends, ministry, etc. helps take my mind off it. Thank you again for the help Brothers
