Hey everybody. I've been doing Nofap for about 2 years now. I'm 18, and first started PMO'ing about five years ago. I've been reading this book about 12 step programs and how a confession of one's deepest and darkest thoughts can really help an addict, and I decided that there's no better place to do that then with a bunch of other people going through the same thing I am. I've been a follower of the NoFap without being a member on the site for quite a while, but I feel like joining the community will help me too. So full disclosure; I'm about to basically pour out a lot of pent up emotions and thoughts and fears that I've harbored over the past several years of my life. I have never told ANYBODY in the world about my addiction, nor about some of the darker and more depressed thoughts that I have. This may end up being pretty long so I totally get if you don't have the time to read it, but it would mean a lot to me. I'll also apologize in advance because I will almost certainly get sidetracked during the course of this. Here goes. After lots of reflection, I would say that my story really starts in middle school. I switched to a new school and was very shy, so this was hard for me. I eventually found a group of friends, but I was always insecure. Especially about my appearance. People would joke around that I was ugly, and I kept a straight face or laughed to seem strong, but on the inside, it really hurt. I never really dealt with these feelings, and I think that they have become engrained in my subconscious. I just feel so inferior to other people, like I was just cursed to be born as myself. I’ll fast forward until ninth grade. By this time I had been PMO’ing for a few years, but it didn’t seem to be a problem. I might have done it once or twice everyday, until I accidentally stumbled upon cuckold porn. I didn’t understand why I was attracted to it, it just gave me novelty which I needed. Over the next two years, I would acquire other fetishes such as Trans porn and sissy porn, all while trying to quit PMO. I would usually have streaks about the length of a school week, then relapse over the weekend. This has continued up until now. My streaks have been varied, but never over 30 days. It honestly seems like I’ve been trying to quit PMO forever. It’s become part of my identity. And because of that, I have this discrepancy between who I am right now, and who I want to be. This means the difference between my shy, anxious, depressed, addicted, numb self, and the person I could be if I could get rid of this habit. At the present day, I am fully addicted to PMO. I am a senior in high school, and on average I'd say I get about a five day streak before relapsing. It's been so long since I first tried to stop, but I just can't. I can’t tell you how familiar I am with the pain of a relapse. I just can’t seem to stop myself. I feel so alone. I’ve always hid this side of me, not just PMO but my depression and just overall horrible feelings. I have nobody in my life that I truly can be myself with. I have friends, but I resent them because they’ve contributed so much to my lowered confidence when I was younger. I can’t talk to my parents about this, so it’s just me, trying to piece together my life. I’m doing fine in school, but my emotions are an absolute wreck. I just feel trapped in my mind all the time. I’ve been relapsing for so long that it feels like this is what life is just going to be like. I fucking hate porn. Especially these sick fucking fetishes that I have. They’re so disgusting but I can’t fucking stop myself from relapsing. I really just think that if I could get rid of PMO, I’d be able to find happiness. But it’s just non-stop. And I feel so fucking confused all the time. I try to figure out why I can’t stop, and I try to connect it to my lowered confidence from being bullied but I don’t even think that’s it. I’m just addicted to that rush that I get from watching porn. I wish I could just go back in time and never watch porn in the first place. It’s so hard for me to look at my future and think positively because I can’t get anything to work for me now. I have so many terrible thoughts and emotions, and it honestly just seems normal to me now. I feel like I'm pretending to be happy for other people. I feel like an addict. I always just dream of this being over. Finally breaking the chains of this addiction, and never looking back. I’ve tried to change my life to support my trying to break this habit, such as cold showers and meditation, but haven’t had much success. But I’ll never give up. I swear that I will never stop trying. I have too much to live for. I will do whatever it takes, and I will be rid of the cancer that is PMO. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I typed all of that really fast and sort of in the heat of the moment, sorry again if it doesn’t make sense.