My Story

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Travis90210, Jan 2, 2018.

  1. Travis90210

    Travis90210 Fapstronaut

    Hey everybody.

    I've been doing Nofap for about 2 years now. I'm 18, and first started PMO'ing about five years ago. I've been reading this book about 12 step programs and how a confession of one's deepest and darkest thoughts can really help an addict, and I decided that there's no better place to do that then with a bunch of other people going through the same thing I am. I've been a follower of the NoFap without being a member on the site for quite a while, but I feel like joining the community will help me too.

    So full disclosure; I'm about to basically pour out a lot of pent up emotions and thoughts and fears that I've harbored over the past several years of my life. I have never told ANYBODY in the world about my addiction, nor about some of the darker and more depressed thoughts that I have. This may end up being pretty long so I totally get if you don't have the time to read it, but it would mean a lot to me. I'll also apologize in advance because I will almost certainly get sidetracked during the course of this.

    Here goes.

    After lots of reflection, I would say that my story really starts in middle school. I switched to a new school and was very shy, so this was hard for me. I eventually found a group of friends, but I was always insecure. Especially about my appearance. People would joke around that I was ugly, and I kept a straight face or laughed to seem strong, but on the inside, it really hurt. I never really dealt with these feelings, and I think that they have become engrained in my subconscious. I just feel so inferior to other people, like I was just cursed to be born as myself. I’ll fast forward until ninth grade. By this time I had been PMO’ing for a few years, but it didn’t seem to be a problem. I might have done it once or twice everyday, until I accidentally stumbled upon cuckold porn. I didn’t understand why I was attracted to it, it just gave me novelty which I needed. Over the next two years, I would acquire other fetishes such as Trans porn and sissy porn, all while trying to quit PMO. I would usually have streaks about the length of a school week, then relapse over the weekend. This has continued up until now. My streaks have been varied, but never over 30 days. It honestly seems like I’ve been trying to quit PMO forever. It’s become part of my identity. And because of that, I have this discrepancy between who I am right now, and who I want to be. This means the difference between my shy, anxious, depressed, addicted, numb self, and the person I could be if I could get rid of this habit.

    At the present day, I am fully addicted to PMO. I am a senior in high school, and on average I'd say I get about a five day streak before relapsing. It's been so long since I first tried to stop, but I just can't. I can’t tell you how familiar I am with the pain of a relapse. I just can’t seem to stop myself. I feel so alone. I’ve always hid this side of me, not just PMO but my depression and just overall horrible feelings. I have nobody in my life that I truly can be myself with. I have friends, but I resent them because they’ve contributed so much to my lowered confidence when I was younger. I can’t talk to my parents about this, so it’s just me, trying to piece together my life. I’m doing fine in school, but my emotions are an absolute wreck. I just feel trapped in my mind all the time. I’ve been relapsing for so long that it feels like this is what life is just going to be like. I fucking hate porn. Especially these sick fucking fetishes that I have. They’re so disgusting but I can’t fucking stop myself from relapsing. I really just think that if I could get rid of PMO, I’d be able to find happiness. But it’s just non-stop. And I feel so fucking confused all the time. I try to figure out why I can’t stop, and I try to connect it to my lowered confidence from being bullied but I don’t even think that’s it. I’m just addicted to that rush that I get from watching porn. I wish I could just go back in time and never watch porn in the first place. It’s so hard for me to look at my future and think positively because I can’t get anything to work for me now. I have so many terrible thoughts and emotions, and it honestly just seems normal to me now. I feel like I'm pretending to be happy for other people. I feel like an addict.

    I always just dream of this being over. Finally breaking the chains of this addiction, and never looking back. I’ve tried to change my life to support my trying to break this habit, such as cold showers and meditation, but haven’t had much success. But I’ll never give up. I swear that I will never stop trying. I have too much to live for. I will do whatever it takes, and I will be rid of the cancer that is PMO.

    If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I typed all of that really fast and sort of in the heat of the moment, sorry again if it doesn’t make sense.
    Kris456, LilD, Immature and 1 other person like this.
  2. thesuccess

    thesuccess Fapstronaut

    Keep your head up soldier, you'll make it. You just gotta keep trying
  3. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    @Travis90210 you have done a courageous and noble thing by coming here. I can feel the intensity and pain in your resolve. This is exactly the emotion and strength it takes tackle such a big problem.

    Although I can't invent a time machine, I can look at life from a different perspective than you are in. The choices you are making to conquer your appetites, and bridal your passions with serve you well the rest of your life in relationships to come. I wish I had the courage and resolve as you do at age 18. Instead I pissed away 30yrs of my life in a stupid mind funk. You have your whole life ahead of you and although it's not currently in the state you want it, you have already discovered it HAS to change. Remarkable.

    I suggest start with small goals and achieve them. Vigilance is your reward. You don't have to conquer it all at once. Just decide and try to do today well. It will be very interesting where this journey takes you.

    "By the inch it's a cinch, by the yard it's hard'
    thorswrath32 likes this.
  4. ac1909

    ac1909 Fapstronaut

    I can only imagine that after typing all of that, you felt a huge relief because it seems like theres nobody you can truly run to to hear you out. Youre not the only one i promsie you. And thats why nofap is here. This is a community all led by one goal: to become the best version of yourself by ridding yourself of addiction. Youve come to the right place. Were all here to help each other out.

    Your second to last paragraph was very powerful, you even motivated me big time. Your resolve to not give up, despite how much crap you believe your life is, you have that strong attitude that no matter in how much crap youre in, youre gonna get the heck out and youre gonna overcome it. THATS the kind of attitude that everyone should have. DONT LOSE THAT. Even if you relapse a bunch of times, youre gonna get back up every single tome and fight harder. This lifestyle is jot an easy one hut the benefits will be huge. Those dreams of that better person that you have? Visualize it on a daily basis. Close your eyes everyday and think of that. Dont just dream it. Take note of things you can do to get closer to that person.

    You feel super discouraged, i completely understand ive been there and ive felt ive had mobody to run to. Nofap helped me a lot. Being able to write on here, make a journal, and help others has strongly benefited my motivation to quit porn. So since youre starting out, stay on nfap and read read read. Read the relapse reports and see how they feel about it (like crap) and let that help you not relapse because itll remind you how you feel. Read the success stories of the countless people who have been able to keep a streak, stay strong and gain confidence in general and even with girls.
    Educate yourself on the addiction, what it does to you and things you can do to rewire your brain. Remember by all the time youve spent with porn, youve physically changed your brain and wired it to get this natural releass of dopamine from porn, which is a non natural stimulant. Real sex is natural.

    Im jot too good at helping others yet and expressing my thoughts clearly, but the point i wanna put out is were all here to help and never give up in the fight. And also remember, youll never be judged here. And be proud youre making the RIGHT decision on quitting porn at a good age. You and me both have a full life ahead of us still, we got tike to change it around and really enjoy our youth. Lets do it together man
  5. arpyegap

    arpyegap Fapstronaut

    It is obvious to anyone reading your post that you are in pain. I'm sure many of us can actually feel your pain because it was or still is ours as well. Know that you are not alone. Keep reading posts from other folks & I encourage you to continue to write your thoughts & feelings. If you are like me, keeping them inside for so long, it just feels good to get them out!
    Peace - Arpy
    Reverent likes this.
  6. thorswrath32

    thorswrath32 Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the club, though i managed to ruin 20 years, i guess you must be a bit older than me.

    To the OP, i'd say well done for recognising the problem at your age, it will be difficult especially since you are at that age where guys like to 'play the field' so to speak, you will have temptation all around you but when I was 18 it didn't even occur to me that me viewing porn would have such dire consqeunces for me later on in life. It's possible to stop with the right support.
  7. soberhenry

    soberhenry Fapstronaut

    Hey Travis, how are your thoughts? Are they clean? I have also looked back into my past and wished that I had never looked at porn. But looking at porn was inevitable for me because my thoughts were not clean. It took me 20+ years to figure this out unfortunately. My advice to you is to divert your thoughts away from anything that is even borderline arousing.

    Sow a thought, reap an act. Sow an act, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny.

    It's not too late for you to change your destiny.
    Kris456 likes this.
  8. LilD

    LilD Fapstronaut

    Hello Travis90210,

    I felt this way for a long time, and sometimes I still feel this way.

    This is what's helping me:
    • Avoiding all pornographic and erotic content, including even music videos with dancing girls or photos of attractive (clothed) women on social networks. Erotic anime, manga, and books also count.
    • Avoid ogling women IRL.
    • Avoid sexual and even romantic thoughts fantasies. I have no real experience, so all my fantasies are essentially porn substitutes for me.
    • I try to talk more IRL. This includes anything from even a small talk to talking about my problems.
    • I attend 12-step meetings. It's nice that you already know that 12 steps are. This program helps me a lot.
    • I have a list of my triggers, which includes things I mentioned above and also things like staying in my bed while not sleeping, which provokes me to fantasize.
    • I have a list of things to do so that when I feel bored I can just open it and pick what to do.
    This is my big problem. I'm not honest about how I feel, I hide my pain inside and let it build up. Recently I am trying to break this habit by saying how I really feel.

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