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My story, your advices for a confused guy.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by toomanymany, Feb 15, 2019.

  1. toomanymany

    toomanymany Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone.
    I'm a 24 year old male who had never had sex before I married. When I got close to sex before marriage, I somehow managed to run away from it due to my lack of self-confidence. I've been married for 5 months and I was able to ejaculate during sex once. I love my wife and I find her beautiful and sexy. But I feel like due to intensive porn exposure, I've developed some weird fetishes and I'm even having difficulties maintain erection during sex. I've been watching porn since I was 13 or 14. For first months of my marriage, I watched porn and masturbated because real life sex wasn't satisfying for me. But I found some online sites like curedeathgrip yourbrainonporn etc. At first I started with curedeathgrip's solution and I thought my problem was the death grip and it killed my sensitivity of my penis. It says that you should masturbate with a loose grip etc. I did that but the problem persisted. But when I found out nofap, I thought porn and fantasizing might be my problem. I tend to masturbate to porn and images fantasizing. And maybe that's why I don't find real life sex and woman body tempting. I also consulted to a sex therapist and she said I was suppressed when I was a kid and I can't feel like an alpha male that's why I can't ejaculate during sex. But I don't think this is the main reason.
    I have ED. And it's been really frustrating being a married man but incapable performing of healthy sex and I feel like it's putting me into depression. I masturbated 2 days ago and I won't again. I need your valuable advices. This is really destroying my life and I feel hopeless.
     
    MrUndo and Bombadil like this.
  2. toomanymany

    toomanymany Fapstronaut

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    Yes you've got a point. But I'm married so I think the topic fits here too. I don't know, should I move it to there?
     
  3. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    Stop PMO, stop fantasizing, stop ogling women. Those are the first steps, it will take time. How much? Who knows, each person is different. Talk to your wife and let her know what you are going through. You'll probably hurt her, but chances are you already have. Being open and honest with her will open things up and build a stronger, deeper relationship. I can tell you all those times my boyfriend failed to get or maintain an erection or failed to orgasm I felt like it was me, I failed him in some way. Your wife can be your biggest supporter if you let her.
    This all takes time, there is no quick fix. Just keep at it and give yourself time to heal.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  4. DeepSeaDiver

    DeepSeaDiver Fapstronaut

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    I am guessing your intense exposure to porn made it challenging to have a regular encounter with your wife. While therapy could be helpful, I would abstain from PMO, and depending on how much sex you are having with your wife, give that a break too. If you can’t get erect with her, can you get erect with porn? (As in recently). If you are having trouble with an erection, you may have to see your doctor.
     
  5. toomanymany

    toomanymany Fapstronaut

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    I'm not having problems with erection. I always get it up playing, kissing etc. with my wife. I also can have sex for like 30 minutes without a break. My main problem is DE actually, it made me do research on internet about ED DE and PIED because my wife is having doubts about herself not being attractive enough. And I'm %90 sure that this DE thing is because of porn. So glad I found this forum and helpful people. I'm going to try no PMO for a long time, it's my 10th day and I'm going to update and write to this topic for your advices
     
  6. DeepSeaDiver

    DeepSeaDiver Fapstronaut

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    Sorry I didn't know DE meant delayed ejaculation. That's good that you don't have ED.
    I have issued with DE as well. I think avoiding PMO would help with DE. If it's your 10th day, that's good. I did do no PMO with a partner, and after about 2 weeks, my erections were better and my ejaculations were stronger, didn't take as long.
     
  7. toomanymany

    toomanymany Fapstronaut

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    Thank you.
    I'd like to update; It's been 18 days and my erections are way better. I've had sex twice however haven't ejaculated neither in them. My main problem still persists. Sex takes too long that we both get too exhausted to continue before I ejaculate which demoralizes both of us. I still have images about other women or pornstars in my mind.
    Do you think ED will go away if I stay away from PMO?
     
  8. toomanymany

    toomanymany Fapstronaut

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    Today I've had sex with my wife. At the beginning, it was up like a rock but after a few minutes later it got soft and I couldn't get it up for nearly 20 minutes. I think I was worried that was going to happen and it just happened. After that my wife started to touch it and I got an erection again. After that we had sex and I didn't ejaculate in this one either. I'm starting to lose my hope. It's my 26th day and I still can't ejaculate and after a few successful erections, I again had hard time to get it up. I feel so depressed right now. I feel like real sex isn't even fun, like real women don't interest me. But it's just the way I feel right now. I've been so freaking horny last couple of days, including today but I've experienced this in real sex. It's really frustrating. I ejaculated in my dream this morning, I think this may be one of the reasons too. Can it be some kind of flatline I'm experiencing?
     
  9. You can do this, man. Seriously.

    I can almost guarantee you they this is porn-induced. 28 days is AMAZING. And you should totally be proud if that. You’re a real rockstar.

    You CAN’T keep beating yourself up for not getting off. That totally produces performance anxiety which keeps you in that cycle.

    Two suggestions:

    1) the easy one: continue at least 100 more days as you are - just having sex when you’re inspired and when you can’t get off just cuddle and do what you can to connect emotionally. I’d also recommend that you make it clear. You will have sex WITH OR WITHOUT getting off. No fapping if you don’t get off. And... NO SHAME. It’s a work in progress. You will have sex for the pleasure and emotional connection... NOT for the ejaculation. If it happens, great. If not, great. 100+ days of that.

    2) the hard option: don’t have sex at all for AT LEAST 30 days. I’d say 90 is ideal like a full reboot. But for at least 30 days no sex. Do a true reboot. And when you have fantasies, handle them as best you can and put them out of your mind. NO PMO or even touching yourself at all for 30+ days. Then when you try again, go to option 1. NO promise of ejacualtion and no shame if you don’t.

    Performance anxiety is ALMOST CERTAINLY what’s giving you DE. Marriage is forever. And so what if it takes you 5 months or more to fix this, the long term payoff is worth it.
     
    Lilla_My likes this.
  10. MrUndo

    MrUndo Fapstronaut

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    For sure, stop masturbating if you want to improve your ED. Another thing you can do is go to pegym.com it’s a website for people who struggle with ED (and for people who want a bigger penis). Basically there are exercises that you do so that more blood flows into your penis. It has helped me in that aspect. The best exercise is called jelqing
     
  11. toomanymany

    toomanymany Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for your time and help. You have no idea how happy and hopeful you make a person in another part of world, a stranger. This is the best community I've ever been in. I'll try what you guys suggested and update this post. It's really impossible to overcome this alone. And doctors and psychologists just take your money and time and give you nothing in return. I believe in this process and when I'm fully recovered, I'll help other people on this forum as well. Your replies have given me hope again, there's nothing to be depressed for or ashamed of. I believe all my problems stem from porn because during intercourse when I close my eyes, I see nothing but porn-related images. I took out porn and porn-related images of my life and I believe I'll be fine. Thank you all.
     
  12. toomanymany

    toomanymany Fapstronaut

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    Hello again, it's been 45 days and my erections are stronger and better. I feel horny most of the time. But Delayed Ejaculation still persists. I've had sex this week three times and couldn't ejaculated in none of them. My penis sensitivity has been increased so I can stay erected for a long time. But I still think about porn-related images or fantasies about other women while I'm having sex. Especially if I feel like I'm going to ejaculate, and I can't. Should I think about porn related images or other fantasies during sex? Will it prevent me from ejaculating? Is this the problem?
     
  13. You're doing great. Stay focused on your recovery and thIngs will continue to improve. It takes time, but you're seeing the results so stick with it.

    You really should try to stop the fantasies whether you're having sex at the time or not because it will hinder your recovery if you don't. Even if you aren't watching P, you're still feeding the addiction when you fantasize. So, if you can eliminate that part, I think it will help your recovery process.
     
    Butterfly1988 and Numb like this.
  14. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Hey. I would like to comment here. I exoerienced this 13 years ago when i got married. We could go at it forever and i would struggle to O every time. Your brain takes time to learn what is erotic and when you are supposed to orgasm. You need to teach it that sex with your wife is the only place. You have 10 years of teaching it that porn is what you orgasm to. Just give yourself some grace and time. Relax. Sex is not about the O. it is about intimacy. It can be an expression of emotion as well. It takes practice just like anything else. Keep up the awesome work man. You will get there. I too recommend to not fantasize.
     
    Butterfly1988 and hope4healing like this.

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