My Story...What Got Me Here

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by RDBTau, Apr 28, 2018.

  1. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    My story started as a young child with things that happened to me that were not my choice. These experiences awakened me to the concept of sex and, at the time, the opposite sex. When I became a teenager and discovered MO it quickly became a habit and one that was unquenchable. No one knew that his was going on and like many here on NoFAP a cycle began where I would try to quit and I would be able to maintain it for a while, but it wasn't long before something would trigger the desire and a MO binge began. Throughout my teens this was the case and in that day, pornography was very hard if not impossible to find for a teen. So, much of it was fantasy and imagination. There was a time that I was able to maintain abstinence for about 2 1/2 years, but then, with the internet then becoming more prevalent, images were easier to find, at least if you knew where to look. Some may remember USENET. Well, that is where a lot of my habits lied. I remember the anticipation as these pictures downloaded (over dial-up which took forever it seemed) and when a video was found, it was a jackpot, if you could wait the long download times and figure out how to decode them. This cycle and behavior went on for years as I tried to hide the forming addiction. My greatest fear was to be found out--what would people think of me then? Then came some pay sites and TGPs and deeper and deeper I sank. PMO had me firmly in its grasp. It was about this time I met my wife. Sexually it was very difficult. After we got married I again tried to go cold turkey and leave the PMO behind. It worked, but only for a few months. Then it slowly started to creep back into my life in the form of erotic stories. There was no harm in that--right? Well, with these websites came the enticing images in the advertisement banners. Then BOOM, I found myself back on the hardcore stuff. By this time the porn scene had graduated to websites that sold subscriptions to see the things it took me hours to download before. Of course, this was really hard to hide since I did have a wife and any subscriptions would show up on the credit card, so I was fairly discreet and if anything weird came up I always had a story for what it was all about. TGPs were also a big part of my searching as the imagery was free--for the most part--and I could get to a lot of stuff. Starting with the early days of the addiction, this went on for about twenty years. Until things graduated to the next level. However, I will post more about that later. --Thanks for listening.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2018
  2. Protagoras

    Protagoras Fapstronaut

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    Welcome. Glad you found this place of support. HERE are some things helping me.
     
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  3. Thomas8

    Thomas8 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, you made a good first step.
     
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  4. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    Thank you, these are excellent suggestions and will be very helpful!
     
  5. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    So what was the next level? C2C. I discovered that just watching porn was not enough, I had plateaued a bit so interacting one-on-one sometimes helped intensify the feeling. As the addiction progressively got worse I was spending hours a day stuck in the cycle of self-gratifying in one way or another. Obviously I won't get into the details of that, but let's just say it became very intense and went on for years. Until--I realized one day that there was a deep struggle going on inside me, a battle for my very soul. It was then that something sparked inside me and I came clean to my wife about all of it. As we talked about that, I felt safe enough to release all of my problems. Now I know why I married her. I am sure there will be always be hurt that I was immersed in the underground for so long and that I was hiding it from her. And thus, that is how day one started for me nine days ago. Since then I have told a close circle of friends and family and I have decided to be open with them about what was going on. I know that if I am going to beat this that I cannot do it alone. I know that because I tried it so many times on my own before, and look where I am. As I have tried to discover what is going on in my brain I have researched many sources. Your Brain on Porn was one of the first sites I discovered. From experience I can say that withdrawals are very real. Some days it takes everything I have to make it through the day. Senses of loss, overwhelming cravings, and anxiety, just to name a few, threaten to destroy what I have accomplished so far. However, having someone there to help keep me accountable is amazingly helpful. I have also found a good counselor that will help me with my childhood issues and I hope too with the addiction. Finding this website also has given me hope. All the people in the same boat with me trying to overcome the similar struggles that I have and finding success in their own reboots. It all brings an intense sense of hope--things are looking up. I live each day one at a time and hope for the day that this monster is in the rear view mirror--although I do understand this will now be a lifetime struggle even if it does get a little easier with time, but with good people out there to help, we can overcome.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2018
  6. bobby_100

    bobby_100 Fapstronaut

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    i am unable to understand why porn i the main source of masturbation for every man in this nofap
    there are other things as well who can lead to masturbation addiction
     
  7. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    I totally understand what you're saying. For me porn was more of a result of the MO cycle as it existed long before the porn came along. I can't speak to the psychological reasoning or anything like that, all I can say is that when it all began for me it felt good in so many ways so it became a habit. Looking back with experience now, I would suspect it also had a lot to do with my feelings at the time of inadequacy and MO was a way to hide from life. As I explained in my posts, porn came a lot later and fulfilled at least a couple of functions. First, it made MO more pleasurable for me and second it allowed me, even if only virtually, to satisfy a desire I could not fulfill in real life. So I cannot really speak to your statement but for only to say that for me porn is only part of my complex addiction.
     
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  8. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    So day 10. It is the small victories in life. My journal is titled what got me here, so I will follow that theme. These 10 ten days have not been easy. But with the support of those around me even when the cravings come, they are there to knock me off course as I learn new ways to cope and get through while my brain rewires itself. There are a couple of things that might seem a little trivial but have helped me to get out before the cycle starts over. First, I remember as a child that mom would tie a string around my finger to help me to remember to tell the teacher something when I arrived at school. No, I don't have a string tied on my finger, but there are these nice silicon rings now that come in an array of colors. I purchased a bright blue ring that is placed on the pinkie finger of my "offending" hand that helps remind me of my goal. Second I have an accountability calendar that each night before bed I review with my wife how the day went and whether I met my goals for the day. After her approval I get to note on the calendar that that day was clean. We do it with little stickers we bought for a buck at Wal-Mart, but it helps me to visually note my progress and keeps me on the path. So day 10. While there is so far to go...this feels like a huge accomplishment.
     
  9. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    @RDBTau - I want to commend you for doing a good number of things right, and much sooner than many do. Coming clean with your wife, telling some other close people, getting counseling, daily accountability. This is an awesome start!!

    Best wishes for continued grand success. This was inspiring to read!!
     
  10. bobby_100

    bobby_100 Fapstronaut

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    well everyone who is not able to satisfy there real desire or fantasy doest that even i did and regretted
    everday... i believe its not the real side of life when we realise its to late then... i think no matter what u do or say we as men should have the control not to jerk off at any cost .. even if we are being intimate with our so or with girl friend or any attraction our hands must be in control which makes us real man
    we can control the urges and seduce but not let the seduction over come us
     
  11. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    @bobby_100, I can only speak for myself on this. I know that the urges were (and are) overpowering sometimes. I have often felt that I should be able to control this as you say and I did regret, I am full of regret, when it comes to this addiction/habit whatever you might term it. We should be able to control the urges. But I have found that for me it just was not possible to accomplish alone. Thankfully, I had someone that I could trust and who has enough understanding to help me to begin to overcome it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2018
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  12. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    Day 11. What a rough day. The cravings were somewhat overwhelming today. I went to my counselor today which undoubtedly made things a little worse. Talking about the abuse and other issues makes it fresh in the mind, don't get me wrong talking it out does help. But it is sure will power that is getting me through this day. Here's hoping tomorrow is a little easier.
     
  13. bobby_100

    bobby_100 Fapstronaut

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    happy for you buddy
     
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  14. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    Day 12. Today is much better. As I explore this forum and realize just how much I am not alone in this the more support find. I also realize that my experiences can help others in their struggles. What a scourge PMO has become. Inflicting youngsters before they should really know what any of that is. How bad our society has become. I realized from a post I made on a young man's journal that I have gotten away from some of my core beliefs in that I do believe there is a God who has a plan for me. By my choices, and unfortunately the choices of others, I began a long life of sexuality that should not have been. One would think it would be easy to blame God for those things, but I firmly believe in the rights of people to choose, to have agency on this Earth to make those choices. Sometimes innocent people suffer because of that. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ though we can be made whole again. I don't know how that will work I just know it will. I also know that by calling upon him, I can get through this trial in my life and that my faithful wife will also be a strong component of where things go from here. So, Day 12 and so far, all is well.
     
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  15. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    Hi and welcome from me too.

    I think P has become the number 1 problem as it is so available. However, M is in many ways a bigger problem as most people do not acknowledge it to even be a problem. We know of course it really is.

    I feel if we can deal with the desire for M then P is also dealt with. So although P is obviously responsible for the growth in M problems, the problem is still M.

    M is an addiction, and can be handled like an addiction, by using things like aversion therapy and by understanding the psychological and physiological factors that cause M. This is my view anyway.
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2018
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  16. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    @Bogo Biggins I totally agree. P became a big problem later in my life, but M is where it all began and M is just as hard to get rid of as anything else. Physiologically I believe (if I am wrong, feel free to correct me) it is M that causes the reward circuit in the brain to be stimulated. Thus, P is just the means to the end and not everyone uses P to get there.

    And thanks for the welcome. This place is awesome!
     
  17. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I agree. I have been doing a lot of reading trying to rationalise why we use M at the biological level. It clearly serves no purpose (unless the views expressed by some RE reducing prostate cancer are correct, and I am unconvinced by this). I think M is a biproduct of us as humans, that have hardly evolved biologically in 100,000 years, living in a modern age where sex is more of a recreation than anything else (note: I have no problem with sex being recreational, I am always trying to just understand why we use M).
     
  18. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    @Bogo Biggins You know I wish I understood more of the physiological and psychological reasons behind it. I really don't know how it gets started, for me it was so long ago that I can't pinpoint a reason. But as I have researched some of this on my own in the attempts to rid myself of the dirty habit, I found that the hyper stimulation, whether it be from the porn or the ultimate MO, a dopamine release pleasures the brain and the cycle repeats. I have noticed some pretty intense withdrawals as this journey began and the attempts from the brain trying to replenish those levels through further stimulation. It is my belief that is why it is so hard to give up any portion of the PMO cycle. But you probably already knew all that. So the question remains, why do we do it to begin with? Is it some innate sense that, biologically speaking is there because maybe there was a shortage of female companionship in previous times; is it just as young boys we notice we have a toy that others don't and play around with it creating a vicious circle we can't extricate ourselves from; or are there social factors that we don't realize that are occurring. I mean in earlier times boys and girls were married off not long after puberty began if I remember my medieval history correctly.
     
  19. Bogo Biggins

    Bogo Biggins Fapstronaut

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    Well, some anthropological views I have read suggest that we (men) have basically evolved to be sexually competitive. We are biological 'shagging' machines, from an evolutionary perspective - looking to spread our genes far and wide. Looking at primitive societies, it seems that while most men and women form monogamous relationships (that basically favour stable family units where two parents rear children), we (men again) also have the mental capability to adapt if circumstances dictate, and become polygamous with multiple women to bring up our offspring. So in a nutshell, this is the evolutionary framework for male sexual behaviour. This then also underpins the evolutionary framework for M.

    Now most modern societies shun polygamy (note: there are exceptions). If it wasn't for the evolutionary benefit of polygamy under certain circumstances, I think masterbation would have evolved out a long time ago (note: again, we have hardly evolved in 100,000 years).

    Now the next question is: why do we become addicted to M? Well, in biochemical terms, our neural pathways are based on reinforcing beneficial behaviours, and in biological terms successful reproduction is even more beneficial than living to a ripe old age (it can even be argued we have evolved to not live for too long). We are certainly evolved, both men and women, to maximise reproductive success. The neurological reinforcement mechanisms behind sexual behaviour, like P and M, are therefore very powerful. However I think that they can be understood, corrected and even completely subdued under the right circumstances to overcome M.
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2018
  20. RDBTau

    RDBTau Fapstronaut

    @Bogo Biggins You raise some interesting points. It is true that we as males instinctively need to sow our seed far and wide. Your argument that that desire also drives the reward/satisfaction unit in the brain helping us realize that we have succeeded in our task intrigues me. Makes sense on a number of levels. Let me also throw out a premise for discussion. What if M is not an evolutionary trait that has evolved out from years past but since the practice seems to have accelerated in more recent times, is it possible that with the advents of social media, the increased availability of P, and decreased moral character on television have created the right circumstances for M to be an evolutionary change?
     

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