My story of this living hell

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by HeartBrokenAndScared, Jul 6, 2019.

  1. I'm new here, so number 1, I am glad this community exists. I have felt so alone in this for so long. I am very hopeful that this will be a rewarding and positive experience for my partner and I. This may end up being a long post because I finally have an audience that I feel understands.

    I met my partner 3 years ago, while I was in a very happy and fulfilled place in life. At the time, I thought that the universe saw I was ready and had finally brought to me, the partner I had always wanted. I think I first found out about his addiction a few months into our relationship when I was helping him to get his credit in order. In his bank history I found transactions that I traced back to webcam sites. My whole happy life world was shattered in that moment as I looked at the dates and saw that during the first few weeks of our relationship, he had paid other women to do things on camera. In all my previous experiences, the first few months of a relationship were always the happiest and most involved. How could I have been so dumb?! That discovery shattered almost all of my confidence and caused a major meltdown in the relationship. Of course he said he was going to stop and that everything would be fine. It was something he had done before me and needed to figure out how to stop. I have never dealt with this, so I accepted that for what it was. Porn had a small place in my life, during my single times, and so I assumed that was the case for him. Once I was with someone, my life would always shift to that person and porn never even crossed my mind. I had no clue the extent of the problem at that time.

    Fast forward three years. I am still dealing with this. It consumes my energy mentally, physically, emotionally when he is caught. The last time I found things on his history, he promised he would tell me when he slipped up and went back to it. He did not tell me and I found things again, while on a family vacation. Talk about complete devastation. Why am I even trying to make this family work when I am the only one?
    I put an ultimatum in place. He has a month to get a therapist and start going and I have asked him to join this site. I want him to have others to talk to about this, just as I want that for myself. I am cautiously optimistic. I am a former drug addict. Cocaine addiction was a large part of my life for about 2 years. I had a rock bottom experience where I thought I would lose my kids or my life from overdose. I moved away, recovered and have 10 years away from that now. There isn't enough money in the world to get me to risk losing the most important things in my life by going back to that. I have no urge, desire, issues with it and I know that addicts can recover! I know that because of my own experience. I guess I don't understand why we are still dealing with it at this point.

    I am so angry and so hurt. I'm exhausted and drained. I'm scared that this will pass and I will feel ok, only to find things in his phone again. I struggle internally with whether or not to continue this relationship. My partner is my best friend. Aside from this, the relationship I have with him is one of the better relationships I have ever had in life. He is a kind person, supportive of me, always there for me but then there's this. It eats away at everything good about us. I appreciate that he "tries" to stop but the lying just kills me. I have mixed feelings on how much of that is just a show that is put on for my benefit and how much of it is a genuine desire to stop. This is what happens when you no longer trust someone as a result of lies and secrets. I'm just so heartbroken honestly. I thought I had found the person I wanted to spend my life with, but instead I found myself in a living version of hell. I find myself being scared of the future and the pain I feel might wait for me there. I wonder if people survive this and if it gets any better or if it just gets worse.

    If you have any advice for me, I would love to hear it. I am so glad this community exists.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  2. My advice is simple....reach out to the other wives and SO and GF here which this obviously is.

    My simple advice is HE has to want to change and recover, YOU can not affect this change in him. The Serenity prayer is a great example of this point.

    Just realize you are not alone, you are not crazy and your situation is never hopeless. Continue to reach out for help and support. @ccrowegreen is my wife and she has dealt with some of these issues for a while and helped me to realize that I had a problem and that has opened my eyes to evaluating my hurts habbits and hang ups on my own.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Please read the stories from other partners. It’s a tough road. Some addicts get better some don’t. Fact is it’s his addiction to deal with , not yours. It’s not about you not being good enough etc... this is all on him.
    Remember addicts lie..to get their drug of choice.
    I understand completely where you’re coming from. Read the stories here and read books etc...there are lots of resources and support here. You’re not alone.
    Knowledge is power
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Oh ya...and welcome to the forum...you will gain much in the way of support.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  5. This last time, I talked to him about how this addiction had ruined his first marriage and we were on the way to that, also. I sincerely hope this time is a turning point for him. Thank you for the wise words. I appreciate it.
     
  6. Today has been so hard for me. It's hard to put together the person I love with the person who continues to hurt me so badly. This life is so draining. Living with a person with a double life. I think that's why the lies are present, so I don't uncover the whole truth of this. I'm sure I assume the worst but also, at this point, I am living the worst. It makes sense for me to feel so terrible and so confused. On one side, I want him to get better to have this life I had envisioned with him but on the other side, I don't know if this is ever going to stop. I don't think I have ever had full disclosure. That's why I can't trust anything he says. If things don't change and soon, I'm going to have to give up on this. I don't know how I will ever heal from this. :(
     
  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Yup...I get it...full disclosure...arg...I was told I had full, disclosure last September , turns out in May there’s an entirely different story, followed still by additional information.
    Ya it’s a rough journey.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  8. I hate the dynamic it creates so much. In all other areas of life with him I am happy but this has hijacked his brain. If it was anything else, I think he wouldn't think twice about telling me the truth. Yet, this remains secret, even in an otherwise honest person. That's how you know it's a real issue despite the mainstream idea that porn is not bad and is normal. When something is causing negative effects in your life, even if everyone else is doing it, it's a problem that has to be worked on.
     
    melonka and Lostneverland like this.

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