My story of dealing with severe AGP from porn addiction.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by monkeyfonics, May 28, 2019.

  1. monkeyfonics

    monkeyfonics Fapstronaut

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    This is a very long read and it’s definitely not the usual story you have heard, so I urge you to read carefully if this interests you.

    I have been struggling with AGP since I was a child (developed between 5-10 years old). Before I get into that, I should explain what AGP is since I doubt anyone here is familiar.

    AGP is autogynephilia - the sexual arousal at the thought of oneself as a woman. It typically manifests as crossdressing, feminization, and sissy fetishes.

    Now, this is a very complex topic that is still poorly understood. This is because the trans communities lobby against AGP research because it's "transphobic" despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of western MtFs have AGP. If you want to know more about this, the best place I would suggest checking out is the /r/itsafetish subreddit to see it in action.

    Anyway, AGP is considered a paraphilia (basically a super-fetish that significantly disrupts daily life, pedophilia is considered a paraphilia, for instance) and it's much more complex and common than people realize.

    You may have guessed that porn only reinforces AGP to the extent that it completely takes over people lives. I actually have strong reason to believe that porn is the primary cause of the "gender dysphoria" trans movement...but that's another discussion. I want to make this clear that this is not a political topic and I am NOT confused about my gender or sexuality. But in order to understand my problem I needed to make this clear.

    AGP is incredibly self-destructive addiction that ruins lives. I view it as a parasitic invader that creates a psuedo-feminine narcissistic monster in your head; eventually taking you over completely. It’s based on a very warped idea of female sexuality (aka porn).

    ---

    The beginnings:

    When I was about 5 years old I went to a shoestore. I was wearing flip flops, so the saleslady brought out nylon stockings for me to put on for sanitary reasons so I could try on shoes. A child’s mind is extremely vulnerable to imprinting like this. Paraphilias, in general, are suspected to be caused from imprinting experiences like this (children who get molested often grow up to be pedophilic themselves, for instance)

    Logically it made sense: Ladies legs in stockings are sexy and so when putting them on, the idea of wearing women’s clothes became sexy.

    I remember being around 9 or 10 years old and fantasizing about my female classmates tying me to a chair and forcing me to wear a dress, wig, etc. This preceded my porn use, and so that can speak to you about how powerful this is.

    But of course, I was a severe porn addict for my entire adolescence starting around age 11. As you may have guessed, this only strengthened the already powerful AGP obsession to a supranormal level.

    I started with out with solo/lesbian porn. With no male as a reference point, I associated with the female body, her moans and pleasure, as my own. It was a rewiring error. In fact, AGP men have been suggested to be extremely empathetic and overly moralistic towards woman, to the point that they’d rather objectify themselves than woman. But I kind of question this, I think it’s more pseudo-morality and pseudo-empathy, AGP men are simply objectifying female clothes/behaviors in order to project themselves in that role. Anyway, I digress.

    The next genre was anal sex, at which point I was consciously imagining myself as the girl getting fucked rather than the guy fucking the girl. Then I went to shemale/sissy porn which was the breaking point for me for obvious reasons – a perfect representation of my AGP desires.

    ---

    Going down the rabbit hole:

    Starting in late 2014, I began going deep down the AGP rabbit hole. I bought tons of female clothes, toys, and recorded tons of photos and videos of myself that I posted online. My content easily accumulated tens of millions of views over the years. I literally became porn, my very own content served as my ultimate fantasy.

    I developed an intensely narcissistic “feminine” persona that was fueled from all the validation and attention. Here’s the craziest part: after all of it, I did not like getting attention from men, especially gay/bi men. I craved attention from woman, and desperately wanted to find one who would partake in this fantasy with me. Occasionally I did get woman who were into it and wanted to meet me, but it never ended up happening.

    Near the end I actually ended up posting on /r/gonewild almost exclusively because it felt more validating to get attention from straight men and lesbian woman who were unaware I was a man… this shit goes deep, I’m telling you.

    Only recently did I put a lid on all of this. At the very beginning of 2018, I deleted all my content and purged all my crossdressing/sissy items. And boy, that was a huge stepping stone. I can’t even begin to describe how hard it was to do all that.

    I had reached a 4 month streak of no PMO (my longest yet). I thought I was on the path to recovery.

    Without going into the specifics, by the fall of 2018, I started the process all over again - mainly due to severe relapses in the summertime and work/life stress.

    I reordered a bunch of clothes/sex toys/etc, recorded myself and posted stuff online all over again. I think the very fact that I knew how self-destructive it all was only added to the thrill. I felt like I was voluntarily creating my own personal hell and it was exciting.

    The scariest part of all this is I knew what I was doing all along. Before even before “taking the plunge” in 2014 and onward, I had come to the realization what this was all about: I had an intense sexual arousal imitating the female form and role. I recognized that porn had strengthened this to a supranormal level. I knew it was mere a fantasy, not a reality. I had zero interest in living as a woman or having sex with a man.

    ---

    Here is where I am now: 100 days of no PMO

    At the beginning of this year, I repeated the same path to recovery as I did at the start of 2018. Threw out all of my shit, deleted all my content, and made it a goal to quit porn at all costs.

    I’ve been using meditative to deflect urges with immense success. For the past few weeks I’ve also started taking cold showers every morning to build willpower. I’ve also cut out weed and caffeine (temporarily) to help stabilize my dopamine functionality.

    Best of all, I’ve been working out harder than ever.

    The thing is, I’ve been lifting for several years. When I first went down this crossdressing/sissy rabbit hole, it was quite easy to pass as a woman (my body at least). I had always been hesitant to work my upper body because it would make me look and feel less "feminine".

    I focused heavily on squats and deadlifts all these years, but little did I know this would increase overall mass in every muscle region (even my fucking neck got larger). Of course, my quads and glutes got bigger, but I was getting more bulky in general with each passing year. Near the end, I had to resort to concealing my upper body with flowy, fully sleeved tops/dresses, camera angle trickery, and specific poses. How silly.

    And since getting back on the path to recovery again, I’ve been hitting upper body more heavily than ever. My biceps, traps, and delts in particular are pretty beefy. I think this is helping immensely because it has killed any sense of feeling “feminine”.

    Furthermore, I’ve had a relatively successful sex life for the most part - I’m a decent looking guy. And the last sexual relationship I had was incredible, very satisfying, and I feel confident playing the role of a man.

    …But, I still have a long way to go. I can’t actually get hard without taking boner pills. And this is not performance anxiety – this extends to masturbating – yes, I can’t even get hard fapping. I rarely even wake up with morning wood.

    I did serious neurological damage to myself to the point that I have generalized anhedonia that has seriously impacted the quality of my life. Everything seems lifeless, dull, and boring. My emotions are flat and empty. The only thing that can excite me is crossdressing and porn. This is a classic symptom of porn addiction: sensitization to the addiction, desensitization to everything else.

    This anhedonia has naturally extended into my libido to the point where I have sexual anhedonia at times, not enjoying orgasm or sexual acts in general.

    I think in my case, and in the case of almost all people with AGP, the term analloeroticism describes the state of their sexuality more accurately: a lack of sexual interests in other persons. This is distinct from asexuality which is a lack of a sex drive altogether.

    When I do anticipate sex, I usually take aphrodisiacs + boner pills, and try to make the experience as enjoyable as possible.

    ---

    This isn’t the first time I’ve shared my story with people online.

    I’m usually careful about sharing it since people don’t seem to understand the severity and as such end up giving harmful advice. They say things like: “why don’t you just incorporate these crossdressing/sissy fetishes with your sexual partners?”

    Well, honestly there’s no place for this in my life. I cannot incorporate it “healthily”, it’s either all or nothing. To give you an idea, I’ve done coke several times and it was a joke in comparison to the rush I get from this. Green tea is to a coke addict what cocaine is to a crossdressing addict.

    Another thing people like to say “you should find a therapist”. Yeah? What are they going to say? I’d go out on a limb and say that most would suggest I’m closet trans/homo.

    Most therapists stay away from the sexuality/gender issues with a 10 foot pole due to the SJW/trans nonsense. And the ones that do treat sex/gender issues are completely full of shit and think everyone should transition. How many therapists do you think have a background in the neuroscience of porn addiction and AGP and aren’t a part of the transition express train? I don’t know, maybe I’ll get lucky enough to find one, because I do need help.

    One day I think I’m going to write a book about this. But I’m still too young now. I’m still making sense of it all. I wanted to write this because I’m struggling a lot right now and I find writing highly therapeutic.

    Don’t feel like you have to give advice (but I definitely welcome anything). Thanks for reading.
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
  2. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    This was a fun read. I saw a lot of myself in it. Reading it actually made me realize I have this same fetish since I was young. I never really thought about it. However, I never went this far down the rabbit hole like you did.

    You have had regular heterosexual relationships despite of all this sexual baggage. That's incredible! This gives me hope as someone who got very into Femdom porn and has some AGP fantasies.

    I never really got into the homo part of the fetish. The idea of men grosses me out. Maybe that's why I like it (perhaps you can relate). I also started my porn use with lesbian porn because straight porn and dicks were, and still are, a turn off.

    If you end up writing that book tell me where to get it. I'll make sure to read it ;)
     
  3. CleverLobotomy

    CleverLobotomy New Fapstronaut

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    I have had the same experience. Almost exactly. Your purges all sound about as spaced out as mine, but earlier by a year. I never liked the idea of a man or anything. Just sexy female clothes and the odd anal masturbation. I almost bought a bunch of clothes online last night. Have stimulant drugs played a part in this for you at all? I always had the slight curiosity, but trying MDMA and anal masturbation put me over the edge into this AGP. I'll write a book with you.
     
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  4. monkeyfonics

    monkeyfonics Fapstronaut

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    Glad you found it interesting/helpful. From what I know, AGP is actually quite common, iirc it was estimated somewhere around 5% of men have some form if it, which is crazy if its true. And yeah I'm pretty surprised I've managed to have sexual relationships despite this. It wasn't like I was always 100% immersed in this. I would typically only engage in for a week or two over the course of an entire year. Ha it'll still be quite a while before I write, I think. It will probably take me 2-3 years of staying away from all of this to start recovering, only then would I feel ok to start a book about it.

    I've read stories from others who had a similar road as me too. It's more common than you'd think. The one thing that was different in my case was that I only had 2 purges since I started around age 5, and both of them were within a year of each other. Most people purge many, many times. I suppose I never felt a ton of guilt/shame from it which prevented a purge. For me, I ended up purging when I had zero pleasure from my orgasms. It was such a horrible feeling. Spending an entire day dressed up with this dopamine rush promising a glorious endorphin orgasm high, only to feel absolutely nothing when it finally happens. It was the breaking point for me.

    I did often smoke pot while I was dressed up but never messed around with stimulants. I'm sure if I had used adderall or something I would have done much more damage. MDMA would certainly have a similar effect...I would not suggest doing such a thing again.

    What is your relationship with porn like?
     
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  5. songohu33

    songohu33 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing your story here. My issues fit exactly the same scheme. I confirm that doctors can not treat gender issues. However if you call it differently, like OCD on transsexual fetishism, then you can treat it. I strongly advice against taking any prescribed drugs. Therapy is always good as long as it will not go into helping you accept your sexual orientation. People are not successfull because they are accepting their nature. They succeed when they overcome their nature. And that's why it is just stupid to try to accept yourself if you want to be someone else. If it is good and admiriable then you should achieve it.
     
  6. Ranvanp

    Ranvanp Fapstronaut

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    I really related to your story and I thank you for sharing it.
    My own story is not all that dissimilar.
    A couple of things; firstly I think feminization/sissy hypnosis porn is absolutely evil. At first it is so seductive and seems to resonate so deeply that those us with the right mind set get sucked down the rabbit hole and start believing and feeling things that are just not true. It is said that you can only hypnotise the willing but with your penis in your hand and an orgasm imminent it is easy to be willingly lead.
    Secondly, I think a lot of AGP comes from a place of great love of women. A place where women are not necessarily put on a pedestal but where women are so closely identified with and liked that wanting to be one feels right, at least I believe that may be the truth in my case.
    After many decades...decades...of porn and hypnosis addiction if feels quite good to be on a path that actually feels wholesome.
     
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  7. monkeyfonics

    monkeyfonics Fapstronaut

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    Here's an update. I'm now approaching 6 months without PMO/crossdressing/etc but my recovery is being halted quite a lot.

    Lately I've continued to struggle with peeking like I mentioned before. I want to give some of my own observations and see if anyone else relates.


    Here are my thoughts on the severity of actions that can impede your progress:

    1. Edging to P - may set you back at least 1 month

    2. PMOing - may set you back 3-4 weeks

    3. MOing to P fantasies/imagery - may set you back about 2-3 weeks

    4. Peeking - may set you back 1-2 weeks

    5. Heavy fantasizing to porn fantasies/imagery - may sets you back about 1-2 weeks

    6. MOing to physical sensations only - may set you back 1-2 days, though this may vary wildly and some people obviously prefer not to do it.

    Often, the cycle goes like this:

    peeking -> more peeking -> edging -> PMO -> 20 more PMO -> restart

    There is strange paradox that I've noticed when working towards your recovery - you have recognize your failures and setbacks without dwelling on on them.

    Many people may go for months without PMO, but as soon as they start peeking they think "well, I'm already looking at porn, I might as well PMO". Then they PMO and think "well, I've already relapsed so I might as well PMO 2 more times today". It's a sinister trap.

    In my mind, a single PMO session does not erase all your progress. By reseting your counter, people feel highly discouraged, act as if they're a failure, and proceed to have several more PMO sessions over the next few days. This slippery slope is the real problem, and it's something I rarely see talked about.

    I think it's very important to understand this paradox. You recognize and reflect on the negative consequences of your actions - how much you have been set you back and how much harder it will make future progress. But you must also not dwell on this - you have to be patient and look at the big picture without beating yourself up and convincing yourself that you will never succeed.

    ---

    With that out of the way, I wanted to briefly mention what this experience has been like for me.

    When I started this recovery back in Feb, my goal was to quit crossdressing and PMO. And so far I've stuck with that goal.

    But peeking is impeding progress tremendously. I've had several days in the past 6 months where I peeked for an hour or more. And when I say "peek" what I really mean is scouring the internet for my content, which mostly involves reverse image searching, looking at archives, etc, and so it's not quite as full fledged peeking as going on pornhub and watching 30 clips.

    Most of these peeks occured in the month of June and July. I have not PMO'd, though I did MO to physical sensations a few times very recently (purely as a physical thing to help me sleep, didn't feel like a sexual thing)

    The strangest thing is what this peeking is really about. If you remember my original post, I detailed how I was recording my own x-rated content of myself dressed up and all that bullshit. This content created was basically my own ultimate porn/AGP fantasy. All of it is still out there despite having deleted the original sources. I've noticed that the motivation to peek comes from the act of searching and seeking - always thinking I'll be able to find something else of mine. And whenever I do find it, it's always very disappointing, I don't get aroused and I don't touch myself at all. Porn in general just doesn't excite me anymore, which is a sign that my brain has lost its conditioning/sensitization to porn-related visual cues.

    But I've now spent a cumulative ~10 hours (according to my PMO log) seeking and searching it in these past couple of months. Even as I start peeking I know in the back of my mind that a) I won't PMO b) I won't be aroused and c) I'll end up getting sick of it very quickly and giving up. And sure enough, every time I end up stopping and losing interest completely

    It's becoming a serious problem recently and I really do feel like it's "putting the brakes" on my recovery. This peeking is about something else. I'm not even sure why I keep doing it. I think what I missed most of all was all the comments and online attention validating my AGP fantasies. And now, it feels incredibly hollow and pointless. The AGP fantasies had started to wither away around month 3-4, but now the peeking has kept the "ember" burning ever so slightly. These peeks do not increase the liklihood that I will PMO but they keep the AGP fetish alive in my head which is the root of all of these problems in the first place.

    I'm going to set a goal now to not peek or MO for the next month straight. After that I can hope to maintain the no-peek policy and remind myself of how pointless it is.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2019
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  8. Ranvanp

    Ranvanp Fapstronaut

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    I am very far from being expert or knowledgeable but I will give you my thoughts for what they are worth.

    Firstly, addiction is a tricksy, tricksy bastard. Having overcome a few addictions in my life I am aware that often when you are well along the path to recovery; there is a little voice or pull that encourages you to do something you do not really want to do. Once you do that action another, perhaps louder, voice starts telling you that you really need the thing, that you will never escape the thing, the thing is a part of who you are, the thing makes you feel good, the thing is you, you are the thing, look at all the other people doing the thing, do the thing again and on and on and on.
    The voice can be very persuasive but really it is the voice of the addiction monster; in your head, slowly but surely dying, doing what it can for it's own survival. It has scant regard for your well being. You are not the thing.

    Secondly, is that I reckon you hit the nail fairly on the head when you mention missing the comments and the validation they must have give you.
    The people making those comments do not care for you. You could disappear from this planet immediately or the content could be thirty years old and those people will still be sitting in their darkened rooms, stroking off, and satisfying their own brain chemistry urges. The comments they make are really just them reaching out seeking validation for their own addiction and if your content wasn't there, they would be commenting on some other content.
    The thing is, it is the little voice in your head that is encouraging you to seek the peek so that the slightly louder voice can start telling you that the thing is something that you need.

    I reckon you are on the right track and your plan to not peek or MO is a good one. You will get where you want to be mate, it's a journey.
     
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