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My story, I need help.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by xavieravenue, Dec 3, 2013.

  1. xavieravenue

    xavieravenue Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,

    I'm new to this forum and I've been aware of the nofap posts on Reddit and watched a lot of videos on youtube on the subject. I decided to write and post and join a community like this as I think I need help and support. I know I'd feel better sharing my story and maybe getting in touch with guys going through this.

    I don't want to write a huge long post, so I'll try to keep it short.
    My masturbation problem started back in 2001. I was in college and I had a huge crush on a friend.
    The relationship was never reciprocated. I think the stress and the desire that revolved around this person both had a profound effect on me and it messed me up an awful lot.

    But since then I can't remember a time that I haven't used PMO to escape my stresses in life.
    Since leaving college, getting my job and changing jobs I think I have masturbated every night or when I get alone time in my house. I think my problem has gotten increasingly worse in the last 3 years. This morning I decided that I really need to make huge changes in my life.

    In the last two years I've used forums and apps on my smartphone to make contact with complete strangers and send them sexually explicit messages and images. I've even used images of famous people (some I've even met in real life) and used their image to get some sort of sexual relief.
    I'm so ashamed and disgusted at myself. I really really need to stop. I've had obsessions with rather bizarre sexual fetishes which, after PMOing with a stranger about these, I'm really shocked as to why I did it. It's like an evil version of myself takes over and doesn't low when to stop.

    Earlier this year I was taken ill one morning on the way to work (after PMOing to porn) and was vomiting and I had to be taken to accident and emergency. The doctors found nothing wrong; they put it down to a gastric flu.
    I stopped PMOing for a while after that but in the last few months I've had really intense PMO sessions. Because of these, it cost me an interview with a big company for a dream job. I didn't prepare for the interview, I just PMOd a few days before. It's a huge, huge regret I have and it's upset me so much when I think what I could really achieved and how much more effort I could have put into it.

    Here's a list of the physical and mental problems I have, I want to list these so they can help other people:
    - Constantly tired, weak as a kitten, can barely lift anything.
    - Pale complexion, skin is itchy, I have long hair but now I have a huge bald patch, it's really thin and brittle.
    - Can't sleep until around 2/3am, and its tough because I have to be in work at 8am!
    - No motivation, can't focus on my work and I hate my job.
    - Keep buying books, games, DVDs, music and spending lots of money on stuff.
    - No interest in my looks or personal hygiene.
    Has everyone else experienced symptoms like this when they PMOd?

    I'm so sad to write this and post it, I want to cry as it's really tough to see my problems written out like this. I want to stop humiliating myself and stop the degrading behaviour related to my PMO sessions, like sending strangers pics of myself or extreme fetishes about famous people I genuinely admire. But my main reason for posting this is to get help from somebody here and relate my experiences to. And to make a pact with this site and progress beyond this awfulness I've been suffering with.

    Thank you and I hope this helps somebody!
    P.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2013
  2. OnCourseForDivorce

    OnCourseForDivorce Fapstronaut

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    Welcome xavieravenue. You will find that many, many people here are almost a mirror image of you. Stick with this forum. There are a lot of good people here that can help you out. Create a counter to track your goals by clicking on my counter below. I believe it brings you to the setup page to create your own. I feel that setting small goals that increase over time helps me a lot but I'm still new to this as you can see with my counter. Bad weekend. Onto the next goal though. Also, http://yourbrainonporn.com/ is an awesome site for boatloads of resources. Find porn blockers for your computer and phone like OpenDNS.com for your PC and K9 or Norton Family App for your phone. Have a close friend, significant other, or someone you trust create a secret password that you can't figure out. Start spending more time on your hobbies in order to fight away those urges. Here's another video that was insprirational: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0dDLWGMhUo . Get an Accountability Partner. They help a great deal! Also, start a journal in the appropriate age section of this forum and try to update it as frequently as possible. It definitely helps! I also keep a spreadsheet to track what days I relapse. Helps me see if a pattern develops or if I'm actually improving little by little.

    So, good luck to you and welcome. You can do this!
     
  3. rlrecovery

    rlrecovery Fapstronaut

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    Wow! Such a testimony to digest even more difficult to write it. You've crossed the threshold and now it's time to fight the good fight. Know that this site will not cure your issue as the work and motivation must come from you but for the past 5 or 6 days I've been a member, I've witnessed nothing but encouragement and motivation to do better for myself. This is a huge battle because in my research to this particular addiction, I've found that not only are many side effects common to fappers, but the reward system and addictive personality trait has a domino effect in other areas of our life. Dopamine is the chemical released after we reach our climax, it's the "reward" we look for. It also happens with food, coffee and any other "guilty pleasure" you may be addicted too. Since we have rewired our brains to desire more and more dopamine, the same achievement through masturbation is not attainable without longer more hardcore porn. That's where the struggle to get out comes from. It's a difficult fight but on this site, we carry each other's burdens and pick you up when you fall. I made my mistake today and although I'm guilty, I realize that PMO does not have victory over me, but instead, I have victory over it because I'm seeking help; like YOU! Be encouraged and let's conquer this mess together!
     
  4. xavieravenue

    xavieravenue Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much guys! Very positive to read. :)
     
  5. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

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    Wow! you really have been through it. You have my sympathy, but more importantly, my support. Looks like you have already got lots of advice and I am sure you are doing well.

    As for the job, if it is any consolation, look at it this way. If you have had got the job you would still be PMOing and although it would have been a dream job, you would still be living a nightmare. Now you have a chance to get clean, detox, find yourself and develop the energy and determination to apply and get the next dream job - because life isn't a series of once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. Those opportunities will, in fact, keep coming up.

    Good luck. Things are beginning to look up.
     
  6. This is a big step just to try to get help, xavieravenue! For me I didn't realize I had a problem until I experienced the crushing humiliation of ED, but it does not seem like you had a similar experience. You can count yourself lucky in that regard!

    As for the depression/anxiety symptoms. They did go away once I started nofap. You have to bear in mind that rebooting is not linear, and progress is measured over time- 90 days in the average man's case.

    I can relate to your experience with your crush. I remember having a crush like that in high school, when my PMO was in high swing and I never conceived that there were repercussions for it. Even though it was unrequited, I didn't do anything to show how I felt. Instead I buried my feelings about her and hid from them, and definitely have paid for it in time lost.

    Perhaps if we never started PMO'ing, life would be different. But that is not something to dwell on. It is never too late to stop, and when you do, life is already different.
     
  7. ToGoBeyond

    ToGoBeyond Fapstronaut

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    Hello Xavieravenue! Your story is touching, but don't feel bad about yourself! Don't think negative about yourself. I see you are ashamed and feel guilty about yourself about the bizarre sexual fetish, but you see, feeling bad or guilty won't help you either! you already aware of it bizarre. This is the first step of step out of this negative behavior! :) Overtime you will break out the this prison! We are all in this together!

    As for you feeling tired and down, feeling negative about yourself, I think is just the anxiety/depression. I also went through the anxiety/depression with my PMO addiction! It also created huge problem for me! If you can I recommended you to practice deep breathing and meditation as relaxation, it will help you in term of anxiety and PMO! There is also another great book I recommended for you it will help you in term of feeling bad about yourself/anxiety/physical and mental problem/ and PMO! The Book is called "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. This book can really help us in term of PMO/anxiety/life problems! You can borrowed this book in your local library if you on a budget! I hope that helps! :D
     

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