My story - 20, struggles on a 3 year journey

Hello everyone, so my story starts at the year 2015.
I begin NoFap and it was actually working for me, did it only a few time (m/o) in 2015. The years 2016 and 2017 I was completely off, I did it once in two years!
So now my life is quite difficult, I went through a very painful experience and traumatic and ever since the beginning of that experience I have been (M/o). I am afraid i'm making my body addicted again. I try to do it once every two weeks, three weeks to limit myself but I can't seem to manage. The emotions I feel are so overwhelming and heart aching that I wonder off looking at images online and do it.
A week ago I did it did it twice in three days and had a wet dream before, and here I finally had 5 days and this morning I had a wet dream
It's like I know my life will be fap-free, I want to meet the girl I fall in love with and have a healthy mind life with her and with my future children- Knowing that I don't watch anything online or (M/o, alone).
So this pain is causing me to do it I am tired of not being able to control my life.
Plus I know (M/o) brings negitive affects into my life and I don't know exactly but it is said to "kill my children", or summon "evil spirits". I'm just tired of delaying my life and having another (O), and having to wait another 4+ days till I feel normal.
Anyone has any thoughts or suggestions?