My SO journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by lostintx, Apr 5, 2019.

  1. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Today was another good day. Woke up and went to the gym with SO, then we went and got smoothies and walked around Walnut Creek Park for a while and enjoyed the beautiful weather. It's been so rainy lately, so we haven't really gotten to do that much recently. After that, I made the long drive out to visit my family and pick up kiddo. That was pretty pleasant as well.

    I did take what was supposed to be a nap this afternoon and woke up at almost 11pm, so I have a feeling I won't be sleeping any time soon. -_- Here's hoping that tomorrow turns out just as great.
  2. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Yesterday was an ok day. Still feeling completely numb. My friend stood me up for our coffee date. That felt kind of crappy, but it gave me time to talk myself into going to the gym. Asked my husband for the typed out disclosure last night and read it through. I didn't feel anything as I read through it. I think that hearing it coming from him personally hurt more than reading it will ever do.

    I did completely forget that he had talked about having an emotional affair with a girl at his previous workplace. The written disclosure said he also had a crush on her. That hurts. I talked with him about that today and he said that he guessed he didn't differentiate the two during the formal disclosure, but didn't really offer any explanation or apology. Then he proceeded to take his cell phone with him into the bathroom at the restaurant we went to.

    Given his history of exhibitionism and his confession to me that he would use the bathroom as an excuse to go and masturbate before, it was triggering for me. I mentioned it to him when he got back from the bathroom and he said he'd try to be more mindful of not taking his phone with him in the future.

    He seemed a little off at lunch today, which also makes me worry. I think I'm going to go to the gym to take my mind off all of this. I told him I was still feeling pretty much nothing when he first sat down to lunch, but now I'm just feeling blue. It doesn't help that his new boss is the woman that he had an emotional affair with at his current place of work and it would be all too easy for him to fall back into old habits. He told me he's going to meet with her today to set/reinforce boundaries with her. That should make me feel better, and I know that he's working really hard on his recovery and being open and honest with me, but it doesn't.
  3. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    Welp, today has sucked. Woke up to a call from kiddo's school. She took a knock to the head yesterday during karate and while I watched her closely last night and she seemed ok, she was displaying signs of a concussion so we took a trip to urgent care this afternoon. I was really surprised to find out that most clinics will not touch a possible concussion. It was super frustrating. Luckily there is an urgent care center near our home that was happy to check her out. She's got a mild concussion and has strained her back. That really sucks.

    I also got a phone call from SO after his appointment with therapist lady. He told me that he remembered something that wasn't included in the disclosure that he would like to talk to me about in the presence of our therapist during my appointment tomorrow. It makes me feel physically ill to think about what it could be and I really wish he would have waited to tell me about it until our call tonight because I have been obsessing about it all afternoon.

    It's not even dark and I'm ready to tap out. Today was definitely a first pancake kind of day.
    St_Mac likes this.
  4. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

    I hear ya... prayers are being sent your way. Hang tight...lovely momma
  5. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    I am exhausted. Today was mostly good, but very long. I had my session with therapist lady and SO came and we talked about the thing he told me about yesterday. It was a memory that came to him about some incredibly inappropriate fantasizing during sex. To be honest it wasn't anything that I didn't already expect when I went into the session, but I did let him know how I felt about the way he left me hanging yesterday. We talked about guidelines for further disclosures, so hopefully next time it will go more smoothly.

    After the session, SO and I went out to lunch and had some good conversation, then I went home and had a nice long conversation with my sister. I filled her in on a little of what has been going on and she was very supportive, so that was nice.

    I went to the women's group that therapist lady has on thursdays today. I met a lot of vivacious ladies who I could empathize with and, while I did not share, I think I will be going back next week. I stopped going to COSA after the full disclosure, but I think I am going to try to go back to that one too eventually. The women's group lasted an hour longer than I expected it to, but I really feel like I got a lot of food for thought from it.

    After I got home, I spent some quality time with kiddo and talked with SO over the phone after she went to bed. We had more good conversation. I really feel like we are communicating a lot better since all of this went down. I am hopeful that he'll be able to come home soon-ish, and during therapy we began to talk about a good way to gradually reintegrate him back into the home when we decide to. I miss him. The dogs are a very poor substitute. Going to do my best to get some decent sleep tonight, then going to go full steam ahead with my self care activities again tomorrow. I've been neglecting some of them recently and I really feel pathetic when I can't even take care of myself. How am I going to be there for anyone else if I can't even be there for myself?
    kropo82 and St_Mac like this.
  6. lostintx

    lostintx Fapstronaut

    It's been a few days since my last post. SO went to an SAA retreat for the weekend and kiddo is at her dad's. This is the first weekend that I have spent alone since SO moved out. I've been depressed and sick over the weekend and I've been lagging on my self care. I did get to sleep in yesterday though. I got the most sleep I've gotten in months. Ex SO is bringing kiddo back today and I'm hoping I'll be feeling better in time to sneak in a gym session before she gets home. I really need to get back on track.

    Heard from a couple of co-workers over the weekend. While it sucks that I can't work right now, it feels good to know that people miss me when I'm gone. I've been feeling unloveable lately and to know that they miss me means a lot. Trying to set up a coffee date with one of them to catch up at some point this week. I realized today that kiddo has her band banquet on the day of the next women's group. I really want to go to the group, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it work this week. :/

    Still not feeling much of anything. I was almost able to cry yesterday. Almost. Ready for this mack truck to hit me so I can be done with it. Ready to move on. Ready for SO to be able to come home, even if we agreed he won't actually come home for a while. Ready to feel better.
    St_Mac likes this.

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