My SO journal

@Lostneverland we are going to celebrate my bday early. It's actually May 9, but I decided we needed to go earlier because I do some of my best thinking at the beach. Thanks for the early wishes though!

I think I'm back to numb. I feel very flat, if that makes any sense. I told SO we are getting another dog, but I think I'm going to wait a few days before I go look, so I can come at it with a clear head. We are cleansing our home of all of the specific things he has used in acting out, at least the things he remembers. He has lost possession of the bat cave. It is now mine. All the personal places in the house are mine until I decide otherwise. He is not to take his phone into the bathroom ever and we'll be installing cameras in specific places throughout the house that only I will have access to.

To say that trust has been broken is an understatement. It has been completely demolished and set on fire and then he peed on the ashes. But hopefully now that everything he can remember is on the table we can start to rebuild. I don't know if I'll ever trust him like I did before this. I hope we get to a place where I can though.

 

I know my description sounds a little dramatic, but that's what it feels like. SO is doing his polygraph right now. Therapist lady and I are going to meet tomorrow morning to go over it.

Keeping myself busy today. Going to go see my mom and kiddo and I are going to the dentist, then we are going to babysit for a friend. Hopefully I can keep my brain busy enough that I am not wallowing in this all day.

Gonna go talk to boss lady tomorrow to see about maybe doing intermittent leave instead of continuous. I think work will be a good distraction, but I need to be able to not be there if I'm a hot mess, you know?

 

Shit just hit the fan. He is out of the house indefinitely.

 

We've decided inpatient treatment is best for him and we're going to go from there.

 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that today has been the worst day of my life to date and I've led an interesting one so far. Feeling a lot of pain. I'm not even mad at him. I'm sad for him. I grieve for his childhood and I prayed tonight for the first time in eighteen years. I sincerely hope that there is a God up there listening and who can bring calm to the stormy waters that have been our lives lately. I applied to FMLA/Short term disability today because I'm going to need to do all sorts of things. I guess this is one way to find out what a SAHM feels like. I refuse to give up on our marriage. I truly believe that if we work hard together to help him recover that all can be saved.

 

I prayed again today. I probably will again this evening. Talked to the therapist a little more today and will again tomorrow. Spent some time with SO and spent some time with my best friend and a baby. I talked with my boss and she re-assured me that my position would be waiting for me when I am ready to come back to work. I think I've decided to wait on the dog. No dog while our home is in chaos. I think that's just asking for problems. Going to spend some time with my daughter tonight.

 

Got some more devastating news tonight. When it rains it pours. Trying to figure out how to talk about the situation to my ex husband. He terrifies me on a good day and to be honest I feel really unsafe about having to talk to him about it. I'm going to have to put on my big girl panties and take care of it though. I hate that everything is so up in the air and out of my control right now and keeping it together when my daughter is around can be a challenge. I don't want her to feel like she needs to comfort me. This is her life too and it's in chaos. She's not big on sharing her thoughts and feelings with me, but I know she's stressed. She came home yesterday and reorganized our kitchen. She and I both have a tendency to clean when upset. I guess it's the whole controlling the things you can in times where it feels like you have no control. Still working on our action plan, but it's hard when there are so many unknowns.

 

Feeling a little better this morning after a good night of sleep. Woke up to find out that I don't have to talk with my ex yet after all, which makes me feel so much better. Like I said, he scares me.

I spent some time with the kiddo before she left for school, then went and had breakfast with SO. Ordered groceries so that kiddo and I will have actual food to eat for the week and then spent a little time drawing. It's such a calming activity and far less messy than painting.

I think I'll clean up this medicine cabinet that I was given by my mother and then install it later today so that I can continue to re-organize our bathroom.

We have a joint appt with therapist lady today to talk more about everything. I hope that this appointment isn't as horrible as the last three have been. Therapist lady has been very helpful though.

My mom is coming up to see me tomorrow. I'm happy about that. I think I need some Mom time. She and I don't always see eye to eye on things, but she supports me however she can and I'm very thankful that I have her.

I think I've cried more in the last four days than I have in my entire adult life. I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I'm desperately trying to put the pieces back together. We will figure this out. Just have to keep moving forward and try to stay positive.

 

@Lostneverland thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. It's been pretty rough, the last week in particular, but I'll get through it. Therapy session was mostly positive and SO and I went out for a late lunch which was pretty pleasant as well. Hanging out with my kiddo now and watching more Heartland. She's totally obsessed with the show and it's kind of sucked me in too. I think the whole family is looking forward to my mother coming to visit tomorrow. It'll be good.