My SO flatline

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Lilla_My, May 16, 2019.

  1. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    It's been 7 weeks and 2 days since the last time I "got busy" with my husband. He suffers from PIED and hasn't made any effort to try anything out, which is OK. Unfortunately, I have a very bad feeling he has relapsed, but I'm not mentally strong enough to go and investigate, which is an occupation than sickens me to the core.

    Anyhow, every relapse I know of (four) has brought up new feelings in me and has changed me in ways I didn't quite know was possible. At first I was hysteric, then I grieved, then I got angry and now I've entered in a weird flatline.

    A backstory can be in order: I fell madly in love with my husband five years ago, and I mean madly! Up until the discovery of the porn, I used to day dream about him. I fantasized about him sexually and craved his body every minute of every day. I haven't told anyone this, but I used to sit and look at his pictures in my phone with butterflies in my chest like some kind of boy band groupie. Or I would admire him working out, lusting over his muscular perfect body. This might sound ridiculous, but I was so crazy insanely in love/lust that I even felt physically nauseous with desire on occasions. I didn't know the porn was the reason he rejected me, if I knew, I would have walked out the door and never looked back.

    The latest discovery has left me in my own kind of flatline (for him, not sex in general). For the first time ever, I feel repulsed by him. I don't like to look at his body. I picture him masturbating to other women and I feel disgusted. His voice brings me chills, his face brings me pain. His lips, once the sweetest pair of lips in the history of man kind, doesn't taste as sweet. I can't picture myself having sex with this man, who up until now was the only object of my burning desire. I feel like our love is tainted and dirty. I've started to resent him, especially when he sings, which make me cringe. In the nights I wake up with an intense burning feeling of anger and hatred that is deeper and more infectious than anything I've ever felt. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME??

    In the daytime I transform into this saintly creature that cooks and cleans and kiss him and try to make him happy (he suffers from severe depression). Never a yelling, never any demands. He gets everything he asks for and more. I love him so much still, probably as much as before, but the feelings are so deeply buried within me I don't know if they can ever come to the surface again.

    Is it common to feel this way? Will I ever be able to love him like before? Any success stories out there?
     
    fadedfidelity, Numb, Urmylove and 4 others like this.
  2. You are not alone and yes that describes what happened to me perfectly. I loved my husband like no one before and when I found everything.... I was sickened. I was always jumping him (2-3 times a day) and we would have dates and I'd always be excited for him to come home and then everything changed.

    I lost sexual desire for him I couldn't even masturbate as I was so depressed and I just hated him for a while. Looking st him or being in the same room with him made my skin crawl with disgust and repulsion.

    My husband is hitting 3 years clean in June and we have successfully repaired our marriage. I still struggle with BT episodes (3 a month approximately) but that's huge given I couldn't even made it an hour in the beginning without having BT episodes.

    Recovery is possible
     
  3. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Wow, you both have really come a long way, it's impressive and heart warming to read. It's such an irony how PAs often get together with very passionate and physical women, only to push them away for their own gratification.

    At the moment, my husband is laying in bed and sleeping like a baby. He doesn't know I have been up all night devastated after finding his hidden Snapchat account with more women. This makes Dday number 5 for me.
     
  4. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    That really sucks to hear. The question you probably need to ask is can you love him again, in the ways that work for him and for you? I sometimes think that is the dividing line between staying together and leaving. Staying with someone you love despite their faults and working through problems is the "in sickness and in health" and "for better or worse" part of marriage vows......but staying with someone you feel you can't love anymore is another thing to ask of yourself entirely. That's saying nothing about their love coming back to you or a lack thereof.
     
  5. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    If he came to me and said "I have a problem, I need your support" then he would get that, and more; he would get all the love and respect in the world. I think most women reason like this. It's the constant lying, gaslightening and rudeness that kills me. That's what I struggle with; loving him when he treats me horribly. He is depressed all the time and negative and it's hard. Every day is tough. I would do everything for him, but the strength needs to come from somewhere and I have exhausted all my abilities.
     
  6. That used to be me and my husband. It was funny, he would wake at the wimper of our son waking up but if I am breaking down crying he wouldn't wake up.... like it was ridiculous.

    I do hope that you and him can figure a way through this, but he as the addict needs to want to get better. Unless the addict wants to be healthy and to get better they will stay in addiction and resistance to others wanting them to get healthy
     
    Lostneverland and Faceplanter like this.
  7. JKnight

    JKnight Fapstronaut

    As a PA who is married, I know that my wife's support is invaluable to my recovery and that if she ever left me, it would crush me and would hurt my recovery profoundly. But I would respect the fact that it is her right to do that. I do not expect my wife to stay with me, but I do appreciate that she does.

    I don't know why SOs forgive this, I once asked a bunch why (you can view that thread here), most due to children commitments more than love and some halfheartedly because they believed that their partner could go back to being the person they fell in love with. But most felt forced to stay. I think you should ask yourself what's your reason for staying.

    I do not believe that porn is akin to cheating, but having a Snapchat account with real women is crossing a line. You say that he is severely depressed, he is passive-aggressive, he gaslights you, he disgusts you, and causes you anxiety. I guess it depends on who he is when he is in recovery, but I hate to suggest this, because I know what would happen if someone suggested this to my wife (although I never went that far), but maybe you should start asking yourself whether it's worth your effort, your emotional energy, your life, and your sanity.
     
    Lilla_My and Lostneverland like this.
  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    It's obvious that you value your wife and that you have shown that she is more important than other women, which is what us SOs struggle with. Why someone stays with a PA can of course have many reasons, but I think it's the fear of loosing everything we so heavily invested in. My husband and I don't have any kids, but it's hard for me to let go of the man I loved so dearly. Now I don't put any effort in any more, there is no emotional energy left, my life and sanity is finally starting to go. I will take care of me the best I can, that's the only thing remaining to do. I can't help him.
     
  9. JesusStrength

    JesusStrength Fapstronaut

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    What you should do is become his hand.. Since he's transitioning from porn to you. You need to become his hand.. Do you understand what I'm saying?
     
  10. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    He doesn't want to have sex with me, if thats what you mean. I have offered him sex as much as he wants. Five times a day? No problem! But he prefers PORN.
     
  11. JesusStrength

    JesusStrength Fapstronaut

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    Or maybe he prefers sex without any pressure.. You might want him to be the best at sex right now, but he can't. He has to work up to that..
     
  12. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I don't think he's capable of that conversation right now.

    @Lilla_My , I get both sides to this. The allure of porn is that is completely one sided and without pressure. Totally fake and without connection too, but that's not always seen as a negative. Some people are in this addiction deep enough that they don't want the real thing, which is tragic. In those situations, the SO can't win. They can be up for sex all the time but no one can be as quick to sex as pulling out one's phone and going from 0-60 in 10 seconds.

    Real sex takes longer, Real sex takes connection, Real sex has can have obstacles and interruptions. It's messy, has emotions, it has another human being with needs! Porn has non of those things. Real sex has many things that porn does not, but if you don't value the pluses of real sex, youll only see the negatives.
     
  13. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Very true. And not only that; understandable as well. I get the allure of porn. Me myself I couldn't look at it without feeling as though I was cheating on him. Sex is much harder work, as you say.

    But I said yes to him, I gave myself to him, and that meant to forsake all others.
     

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