My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Thanks for the encouragement. Primary physical symptom at the moment is a lack of energy, particularly after eating. If feels a lot like after you have been ill with 'flu and you are beginning to feel better, but the moment you try to do anything you feel exhausted and have to stop.

I'm craving physical intimacy with my wife, as much for skin to skin contact as for sex. I'm hoping that she will feel the same soon and we can enjoy making each other feel good.

Very pleased with reaching the 12/13 day mark and the unpleasantness of withdrawal has only strengthened my resolve not to backslide. I don't want to have to climb this hill more than once.

Thanks to you all for your continued support.

ANH

 

Withdrawal symptoms seem to be diminishing slowly. Wife initiated love making on Thursday night and we were both instantly very aroused - in my case partly because of no O for c. 12 days. Sex was great for both of us and we felt very close and happy. I woke up yesterday still feeling on top of the world.

Unfortunately, my wife was very low yesterday, in tears off an on. She has occasional bouts of depression and yesterday was one of the worst for a long time. Nothing my daughter or I could do seemed to help. I suppose it was a useful reminder that however well my battle with addiction is going (and it is going well) there will still be other challenges to be faced, both on my good days and bad days. It is difficult sometimes when from my perspective everything seems to going in the direction I was hoping to be around someone who suddenly seems to find live not worth living.

Trying to be strong enough for both of us. I hope she wakes up in a more positive frame of mind today.

ANH

 

Hi Jolie

Thanks for the support and advice. I am happy to report that my wife woke up yesterday in a much more positive frame of mind and we had a good day as a family. I have never noticed any correlation between her lows and sex before so I am inclined to think it was just a coincidence, but I will look out for the same thing happening the next time we make love.

There are quite a few things going on in our lives and progress in some of them is slower than we want, so I suspect that was the trigger for her low.

For me, I am suffering badly today from the chaser effect and feeling very strong urges. I have made myself a long list of jobs to do and will throw myself into those to avoid any chance of a relapse.

16 days accomplished - on my way to 60.

Thanks again

ANH

 

Hi Jolie

Just a quick update. My wife unexpectedly woke me up to make love on Monday night. She rarely wants sex more than once a week so this was a very pleasant surprise. I happy to report that there was no recurrence of her feeling low the following day.

For me, nearly three weeks accomplished and the withdrawal symptoms seem to have mostly gone, at least for now.
Life is good!

ANH

 

Another few days under the belt. Confident that I am not going to relapse. Feeling strong urges this morning but not tempted by PMO. Six days since my last O - when wife and I last made love. Hoping that she feels like some time together tonight as I want to express my love and desire for her!

Best wishes to all.

ANH

 

Make that 7 days. My wife was quite down yesterday and not in the mood for love-making. I did all I could to cheer her up (for the right reasons, not to get her into bed!!) but in the end I think she was having one of those days we all have sometimes when our glasses are half-empty and a beautiful sunrise is just an annoying bright light getting in our eyes. I hope (again for the right reasons) that she will be in a more positive frame of mind today.

Abstaining completely and permanently from MO, does leave me totally dependent on her for any 'release' and I understand and accept that. I don't know whether people's bodies have a natural rhythm, a frequency at which they want or need to O. For me, it feels like every 3 or 4 days. I suspect my wife has a lower libido and would be happy with every 7 to 10 days, however she is much more influenced by the ups and downs of every day life, so detecting an underlying rhythm is tricky. There is also another factor...

...we have occasionally bought some sexy stuff from an on-line store together (outfits, clamps, a vibe) and enjoy incorporating those into our love-making when we feel like it. I discovered about a six weeks ago (before I started NoFap) that she had bought herself a small personal vibe from the same store and not told me about it. She doesn't know that I found it.

At first I was a bit upset but of course I have no right to be upset, particularly as I have been PMO without her for years (but never turned her down for sex as a result). I understand that there may be times when she wants a quick sexual release but is not in the mood for the full emotional engagement of love-making and that is her right. There may even be times when she prefers the physical pleasures of MO to sex with me and again, that is her right . She doesn't know that I have quit M for good. We have never discussed that my habit had become an addiction, though in the distant past we had rowed about my use of P. She almost certainly thinks that I still use PMO sometimes and doesn't trouble herself with how often.

I do not intend to tell her that I no longer MO. That conversation could easily become, or be interpreted as, 'I have given up M, so I expect you to satisfy me whenever I get horny' which is effectively, 'I don't care whether you are in the mood or not, I WANT SEX.' Not a good basis for a relationship. I want her to make love to me because she wants to, not out of guilt or a sense of duty because that can so easily lead to resentment.

So I may be facing the reality of lying awake at night in my room (we have separate rooms) feeling terribly horny and unable to do anything about it while my wife is in her room, making full use of her personal toy and satisfying her libido for another few days. Ironic huh? Karma anyone? My advice to myself in my internal dialogue? 'Suck it up, bitch!'

OK, time for that cold shower.

ANH

 

The good news is that wife has been in a much more positive frame of mind the last few days. Also, today marks four complete weeks for me in my NoFap journey and no relapse. Well done me!!

I was hoping that my wife would come to me to make love during Monday night but she didn't. On Tuesday morning, she had some clothes arrive by post and wanted my opinion on them. I spent thirty minutes watching and advising as she tried each one and then stripped down to her underwear again. In my highly horny state, it was pure torture! The figure hugging white trousers were a particular challenge. Eventually I cracked and said I was struggling not to jump on her (I couldn't because our daughter was wandering around the house). She said she didn't know why, because she felt hideous. [She is quite large and often dissatisfied with the way she looks, particularly when trying on new outfits]. I reassured her and told her just how much she turned me on. It may be that she would have taken the hint and visited me that night, but I had to get up at 04:30 the next morning and drive, so she probably decided that I needed my sleep.

Last night, having returned from my day trip I went to bed horny and hoping to be woken, but again it didn't happen. She'd had a busy day too, so I guess she was too tired or just not in the mood again.

So here we are on Thursday morning. It is ten days since we made love and therefore ten days since my last O and I really, really want to make love to my wife. This morning, I will be dropping our daughter off at her nearby English tutor and my wife and I will then have just under an hour in the house alone together before having to collect her. If my wife is giving anything like the right signals, I will ravish her!! [And if she isn't, then obviously, I won't].

I have a growing feeling of 'last chance saloon' at the moment. We have a very busy weekend ahead and then my wife is going away for four/five days. I we don't make love today or tomorrow, then we probably won't have the chance until a week on Saturday which would mean at least 19 days without O for me - probably the longest gap ever since I first masturbated as a young teen. While I am 100% committed to no PMO ever again, I hope that I don't have to face the challenge of enduring a week of maximum opportunity to PMO while feeling so damn horny!

A part of me wants to ask her if we can schedule in some intimate time together before she goes away, but (see previous post) my being horny is not her problem.

ANH

 

Just a quick addendum which might make the women here smile. On Tuesday my wife and I went to visit her 82 year old mother. I was full of sexual energy with no outlet for it. I redirected it to cleaning my mother-in-law's kitchen from top to bottom including scrubbing the floor on my hands and knees. I spent about two hours on it in all. MIL was very appreciative when she saw the results.

I am just hoping that my wife and MIL don't twig that the ultimate trigger for this selfless act was my sexual frustration, otherwise there could be some unpleasant consequences for me. "My shed needs painting, cut him off for a fortnight and bring him over could you dear?"

 

OK, so basically, I screwed up.

When I got back from dropping my daughter off, my wife was still in bed and just waking up (she's late to bed and gets up late too). I stripped off and got into bed with her and we cuddled. I was hoping that she would initiate love making, but she didn't, meaning that she wasn't in the mood, or didn't think we had enough time, or was still waking up. After half an hour of cuddling and a little kissing, we got up to get on with the day.

My wife was out for the rest of the day. I cleaned the house, arranged some flowers in the lounge and cooked her a meal to be on the table when she got home at 8pm. When it came to 11pm, I went to bed as usual and kissed her goodnight. I didn't say anything about hoping she would wake me up later to make love.

I woke up naturally at 2 in the morning, needing to pee. From my room I could see that my wife was still up as the light was on in the lounge (we live in a bungalow). I was SO wanting to make love to her, I decided to go in the lounge to see her. She was sitting watching an old kids show on you-tube which she has been binge watching. Her body language from the start was not good - kind of irritated to be interrupted during her 'me time.' I knelt down next to her and cuddled her but she immediately snapped at me, saying that she felt I was pressurising her into having sex and that I'd been 'dropping heavy hints' all day and she felt like she didn't have a choice. I had a horrible sinking feeling. That was the one thing I had been trying so hard to avoid. I apologised, told that of course she had a choice, she always has a choice. I got myself a glass of water, kissed her goodnight, told her that I love her and that I would see her in the morning (i.e. not before) and took myself back to the room. She went to her room straight away and went to sleep.

So I screwed up. My wife went to sleep unhappy. I went to sleep unhappy and I feel I have damaged our fragile understanding over sex.
I feel I can never initiate love making myself in case she feels I am pressurising her. I feel I can't even kiss or touch her now in case it is either seen as pressurising her or 'dropping heavy hints.' So all I can do is wait and hope that one day she does feel like making love. After last night's debacle, it seems unlikely that she will be in the mood tonight and then we are into a busy weekend with house guests followed by her 5 night trip away.

I'm kind of despairing here and would appreciate any advice, from women in particular. All I have as a plan is to keep on being the best husband I can outside of the bedroom and if the right opportunity arises to reassure that I don't want her to make love to me out of a sense of duty, I only want her to do it when she is in the mood.

Feeling down .
Any supportive messages gratefully received.

ANH

 

Sadgirl, Jolie. Thank you both so much for your support and advice. I have just completed the love language test and ordered the book! When it arrives, and my wife gets back from her five days away, I'll suggest that we read it together and that she does the test too. I'll let you know how we get on.

By the way. Things have been brighter today than I feared. A hug and an apology from me for making her feel pressured and we seem to be back on an even keel.

Thanks again to you both.

ANH