My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Hi @coffee_chick

As in most aspects of PA and the reboot experience, it varies from individual to individual. For me, I felt physically great for the first week or so and then suffered various ailments from about day 8 to day 20. These included sinus pain, headaches and complete lack of energy. I felt 'hollowed out' as if my blood sugar was too low. From day 21 onwards none of these have come back.

An internet search on porn withdrawal symptoms will show you how common these are. The most frequent ones (ignoring fluctuations in urges/libido) seem to be:

mood swings
headaches
joint aches
insomnia
lethargy

For most people they seem to occur either straight away, or like mine, after a short honeymoon period. Again, for most people they seem to gradually diminish as the reboot continues.

I hope this helps

ANH

 

Hello my friends,

I realise that the tone of my Oct 25th post and my lack of activity here since has caused some of you to assume that things are not going well. That is far from the case. Since the milestone day of Oct 6th, things have continued to be great! My wife and I are feeling close and making love regularly and just getting on with our lives. It is a case of "no news is good news".

The other reason for my not posting so much here is that my year's sabbatical is coming to an end. It reminds me of that feeling towards the end of the long summer holiday from school when you realise that you have only days left of something that once seemed to stretch out forever. This means that I am having to put time and energy both into looking for work and completing the final editing of my novel.

So life is a bowl of but time is even more precious than usual!

ANH

 

Life continues to be busy. I have a telephone interview for a job tomorrow so I am, in equal measures, pleased, excited and nervous. I am trying to spend the afternoon mugging up on the company and rehearsing for the interview. I am being slightly distracted by the fact that I had a very vivid and highly erotic dream last night - the sort you are really sorry to wake up from. It makes ploughing through my CV/resume trying to think of good answers to all the potential questions seem very dull by comparison!

ANH
PS I've completed final editing of 8 chapters of the novel, 21 to go.

 

Nailed it!
Thanks for the good wishes everyone. The telephone interview went better than I could have hoped and I passed with flying colours. There are still two rounds of face to face interviews to get through but this morning has certainly been a good boost to the morale!

ANH

 

Hi @lovebug_km

Wow. Thank you for reading the whole rambling tale - that must have taken a few hours! And thank you so much for your kind words. If my story helps you deal with your own situation then that will be wonderful.

I know you are new here, but you will already have discovered a lot about this addiction and what is does to the PAs, to the SOs and to their relationships.

Porn addiction turns men into assholes. Some of them might have been BAD already (Borderline Asshole Disorder) in other cases, it sneeks up on otherwise good men and gives them a crash-course in assholery. Some men fall farther into the abyss than others - cheating in real life as well as through porn. All the PAs have lied and deceived while in their addiction and many have tried and failed to give up, leading to more lies and further deceit. This rips to shreds and tramples on the trust that is the bedrock of any loving relationship.

And what of the SOs? I am constantly amazed by the strength displayed by the SOs here. In the typical case, they experience a discovery day when their world came crashing down. Suddenly they are plunged into a situation where their partner is battling an affliction they previously knew nothing about, where they can no longer trust the one they love and where they are re-evaluating months or years of a relationship that seems to have been built around a lie. Their self-esteem is shot and they are (clinically or sub-clinically) traumatised. And at this point, when their world has been turned up-side down, they are faced with simultaneously trying to heal themselves, rebuild their relationship AND trying to support their PA in beating their addiction at a time when they love, hate, pity and despise them. Welcome to hell, kid!

Many of the SOs find themselves constantly analysing their PA's past behaviour as they try to reconcile his hurtful actions with the man they thought they knew. Many get drawn into the details of their PA's porn of choice and wondering, erroneously, what inadequacies of theirs led their PA to need this extra thing in their lives. I think all of the SOs go through this to begin with. Some put that behind them quickly, others find it difficult to move on and find themselves trapped in this cycle of constant analysis of what happened and why.

But amid all the pain, deceit and trauma, there is hope. A new hope if you will. There are the success stories too - many of them. Putting the card-carrying assholes aside, most of the PAs fell into this through weakness and ignorance, not by actually being the spawn of the devil. While it is a difficult addiction to beat, many PAs do manage it with help and support - from therapists, NoFap and their amazing SOs.

There is no single recipe for success, but these things appear to be common to those who do succeed.

• The PA has to hit rock bottom, to fully understand that they are addicted, that they have wounded and traumatised their SO and come close to ending their relationship. If the PA hasn't been reduced to tears of shame and remorse, then they probably don't get it.
• Following on from that, the PA must want to give up for themselves, not because their SO is making them do it. They must want a porn-free future even though porn has been a prop for them in the past.
• The PA and SO must increase the intimacy of their relationship, which can be very difficult for the SO when they are traumatised. Touch, hugs, cuddles, talking about the addiction, talking about all other aspects of their lives. The addiction thrives when the addict is isolated and alone; counteract that by strengthening the bond and getting closer. The 5 love languages help some to improve the communication in their relationship.
• Total honesty and openness is paramount. Trust takes a long time to rebuild and it can only happen if both partners are completely honest with each other and taking the journey into the future together.
• The PA has to reboot, to undo the damage that porn has done to the dopamine/reward cycle. There are different flavours discussed here (hard mode etc.) My personal recommendation is that the PA should quit P and M for good. He should therefore only O with the SO in whatever way suits you both. His Os should be infrequent to begin with, no more than twice per week, or the reboot will take longer.
• The PA needs to fill the gap left by cutting out porn. As well as putting his energy into the relationship, he should look for other activities he enjoys - physical exercise, hobbies etc. These should not involve using a screen.
• Many use technology (blockers, filters etc.) or routine changes (no screens other than in communal areas) to help the PA break the habit and to make sure that porn is not just a click away.
• Finally, most get outside help in some form. Some or all of: therapy for the SO, therapy for the PA, couples therapy for them both, reading the info on NoFap, reading books about PA together, using the forums here to get specific advice.

Another long post! You have already shown your ability to wade through pages of my ramblings, so I am confident that you will have got this far. I have huge sympathy for what you are going through and hope with all my heart that you and your PA can turn this around and rebuild your relationship and perhaps even make it stronger than before.

With all good wishes.

ANH

 

@Broken81 , @Torn

You are both extremely kind. Stepping back from the situation, it seems very odd that I seem to have gone from hapless wanker to respected guru in 150 short days!

While I do enjoy helping people and I sincerely hope that my posts here are of some use to the rest of the NoFap community, I don't think I am ready to risk a radical career change while I have a dependent wife and daughter to support. For now at least, I'll look to continue to plough my existing career furrow as a reliable way of putting bread on the table (to stretch an agricultural metaphor!)

If I were to look for a new career, I'd love to be able to make money from writing. I love the process of choosing the right words to express ideas. English is such a rich language, full of nuance and shades of meaning; finding the right words, cadences and rhythms so that it all slots into place like the final pieces of a jigsaw is immensely satisfying. Some of my favourite moments of this year's sabbatical have been spent sitting at this table, writing my novel while enjoying the view of oak trees overflowing with chirping birds and chattering squirrels. I guess there is a one in ten thousand chance that the novel will be a financial success, so that I can give up the day job and take up writing full-time. But I won't be putting my shirt on a one in ten thousand bet!

Who knows how my life will be change if/when I get a new job. I may be working long hours and getting home tired, with no time or energy to post here. Or I may end up travelling and spending many an evening in a hotel bedroom with all the time in the world to dispense my alleged pearls of homespun wisdom. Only time will tell.

Whatever cards life deals me, I'll always be grateful for the experience of the last six months and especially for the camaraderie of you, my remarkable new friends.

ANH

 

Hi all

A reminder over the last few days that I shouldn't get complacent. Out of nowhere I've been having really strong urges and been struggling to rid my brain of sexual thoughts. Most of them have been related to my fetish of choice, which remains my Achilles' heel. Found myself getting triggered by comparatively innocent pictures or phrases and craving fetish material in a way I haven't for months. I would love to go and wake my wife up and have a long cuddle leading to unhurried, loving sex but unfortunately circumstances don't allow it.

Oh well, back to the tried and tested methods of chores, distraction and cold showers.

ANH (through gritted teeth)