My situation - apologies if this turns into a long post

Thank you! I'll at least let you know whether or not I get a reply!

ANH

 

Thanks @AnonymousAnnaXOXO,
It is always great to have a short break on my own to unwind and enjoy the wonders of nature. Then when I get back I appreciate my wife and daughter all the more!
ANH

 

OK @Kenzi - with fingers crossed, I googled Panda Sex. The urban dictionary was its usual blend of amusing and disgusting (eats, shoots and leaves was my favourite). What do you mean by Panda Sex? I hope it is not only doing it once every year for a total of five minutes!

ANH

 

Ah, I see. Well I prefer that to both of my suggestions! Sounds like a variation on 'cuddle night'. I shall store that away for future use, thank you.

I am trying hard not to overwhelm my wife at the moment. Quitting PMO has put all my attention back on her, which is as it should be. However, if her lowish libido is just her natural state and not the result of some yet-to-be-revealed dissatisfaction with me or my inept love-making, then I don't want to bombard her with lots of new things all at once. (Resulting in her saying, 'for heaven's sake, leave me alone - I preferred it when you were watching porn!')

As you will know if you've been paying attention (and I'm sure you have been ) I have already bought her two items of lingerie and given her two love letters - the second of which asked her to reply with ideas of her own. I am waiting (on tenterhooks) to see if/how she responds. She may leap at the chance to improve our sex life, or she may feel that sex is becoming too big an issue in our relationship and want me to back off a little.

I am sure cuddle night / Panda Sex would be helpful to us, I just need to choose my moment to introduce it.
Thanks, as ever, for your thoughtful suggestion.

ANH

 

A quick update. I just rang my wife from the hotel I'm staying in on my bird-watching trip. She sounded upbeat and positive, so at least my letter hasn't freaked her out completely!

ANH

 

Arrived home around 9 pm after a good but tiring trip. My wife had cooked for some guests who left around 10 pm. Our daughter was still up by the time I went to bed between 10 and 11. I wondered whether my wife had written back to me while I was away, or last night after my daughter was in bed, but there is no sign of a letter this morning.

As ever, I have to tell myself to be patient. While I was away, my wife had to do all the parenting and last night she was also cooking for guests. Her father is also in hospital with what is hopefully a minor complaint and her mother is expecting support. So it is hardly surprising if my wife has neither the energy, nor 'head-space' to think about sex and her favourite fantasies. Time for me to get my own head out of the bedroom and give her the help she needs to cope with the day-to-day challenges of life.

ANH

 

My wife was very down yesterday and nothing that my daughter or I did seemed to cheer her up. I find days like that very difficult. I know that I have to stay upbeat, if only for the sake of my daughter, but is very draining.

Still no reply to my letter and she hasn't even mentioned it. I resorted to checking her bedside cabinet to make sure that she had found and opened it, which she had. I keep telling myself to be patient and that eventually she will have the time and inclination to reply. I'm feeling a bit cut-off from her at the moment. After a couple of days away I felt the need for touch more keenly but she still touches me rarely. It is nine days since we made love and since then we have only had a quick hug now and again and only if I initiate.

It is a sunny day today. I hope that will help to improve my wife's mood. Though I am feeling unloved and sad I must somehow put on a brave face and be positive.

ANH

 

Thank you @Sadgirl ! I have just been reading your thread and wish so much that your hurt would heal and that your husband would start giving you the physical love you need and deserve. With all that you have been through and are still going through, I am amazed by your capacity to think of, and care about, someone with relatively minor problems like mine. Thank you

 

Yesterday my wife was a bit more positive, off and on, but still distant. Another touch-free day. Another day without sex. Another day with no mention of, or reply, to my letter. I know that she has been staying up late watching TV programmes on her own. It is so hard not to feel resentful. She is choosing to do that instead of thinking about our relationship or responding in any way to what I wrote. It's as if I poured my heart out to her and she just got up and left the room. I feel rejected and unloved. I would love to have mind-blowing sex with her, but at the moment I crave any gesture that demonstrates some love for me.

 

You are suggesting that because my wife currently has a low libido I should give up on our 30 year relationship and abandon her and our teenage daughter in order to get more frequent sex?

Sorry, that's not the way I roll.

ANH

 

Well that cheered me up!

There is a hashtag on Twitter at the moment #ThingsIslamicStateShouldClaim
responding to the recent terrorist attack using the traditional British weapon of p*ss taking. In among some great posts, this is the one that had me in stitches.
https://twitter.com/revjoehaward/status/908954334792122368

Ready for the challenges of the day now!
ANH

 

No offence taken

I don't beg for sex. I try to create the conditions under which it may happen and remain patient and understanding when it does not. I would like to make love with my wife more frequently - every 3 or 4 days rather than every 10 to 14. There are four alternatives to this approach, all of which are either totally unacceptable or markedly less attractive to me.

1. Forcing myself on her. (Unacceptable and illegal)
2. Coercing her into have sex when her heart isn't in it just to get my kicks (Selfish and ultimately unsatisfying)
3. Leaving. (See previous post)
4. Having no sex at all (How can getting none of what you love be better than getting a little?)

So I content myself with my current lot and am trying gently and 'without scaring the horses' to see if there is anything I can do over time to make my wife inclined to make love more often.

ANH

 

Actions speak louder than words.

So yesterday was another day dominated by domestic chores. Not a bad day but not a day in which I felt especially close to my wife. As usual she touched me very little. When I went to bed I shaved, just in case, but I was confident that my wife was not in the mood for love making and, untroubled by feelings of anticipation, I fell asleep easily.

Three hours later, my wife woke me up.

<Warning, potential triggers ahead>

She was wearing one of the sexy outfits I had given her and looked amazing. I briefly considered asking her about the letter, but decided that this was a time to let our bodies lead, not our heads. We kissed passionately. When you are starved of touch, kissing itself is such a mind-blowing experience. After kissing and stroking each other for a while, she asked me to use the toys I'd bought a while ago on her, which I did. This had the effect of putting most of the focus of our love making on her body which was fine by me. Eventually she was lying on her back with my lying on my front, between her legs, giving cunnilingus. While she likes this a lot, she generally doesn't like to 'finish' this way and after a while guides me to come back up the bed. In my recent letter, among many other things, I told her how much I adore the wonderful intimacy of bringing her to orgasm with my lips and tongue. Perhaps because of that, she didn't attempt to change position and allowed herself to come. I was in heaven.

<OK Safe now>

We cuddled for a while and enjoyed her afterglow together. She was very relaxed and started to get sleepy (it was 3 a.m.) and said that she ought to 'take care of me too' before she fell asleep. If we were making love more frequently, I would have said that it didn't matter and just held her and let her enjoy drifting off to sleep feeling satiated, warm and loved. But I hadn't come for 11 days and might not get another chance for another 14, so I couldn't quite manage that level of selflessness and happily let her satisfy me too.

When we were both ready to go to sleep, my wife made to return to her room as she usually does. I asked her to stay. We had enjoyed wonderful satisfying sex but I found I still wanted more touch. We fell asleep holding hands, which was lovely. In the middle of the night we both got up to pee (have I mentioned how much I hate getting old?) and when she got back into bed she came over to my side so that we could cuddle some more as we went back to sleep again.

So, still no mention of the letter but I have decided not to force the issue. I'll give it another couple of weeks at least. If, by then, she hasn't responded I might raise the issue and ask her if she would like to reply, but for now I am content that actions speak louder than words.

ANH