My Reboot Journal

Day 1

Fapped yesterday after losing to what I've now learned to be "flatlining". I had no energy whatsoever, and thought fapping was my solution. "I won't watch porn, I'll just masturbate. I'll be just fine" Nope, felt like shit. I had brain fog, and thoughts about former friends and lovers re-entered my mind. Throughout the day I would nitpick at my actions and my subconscious would say, "it's because you fucked up and fapped". I also wasn't able to study to the best of my ability...I found myself struggling to learn new concepts when I'm actually pretty smart. I felt the fog dissipate towards the end of the night, and feel much happier and energized this morning.

Probably not the best thing to be proud of, but I'm pleased only chose to masturbate rather than watch porn and masturbate. If I did, I'd be out of action mentally, emotionally and physically for DAYS. I've unfortunately relapsed so much over the years to know how long I'll be down for.

Going for GOLD this time though - a forever without porn and masturbation. Cold turkey.

The changes I've made so far:

1. I made my account on this site last night. I will post about my journey everyday
2. I've been reading the success stories on here and will continue to do so everyday to keep myself motivated.
3. Fast from social media. Taking a break from FB, Instagram and Snapchat for the most part (I only post, I don't watch anyone's videos)

Going for Gold

 

Day 2 - Met My Girlfriend's Friend Today

I know these urges and thoughts will pass in time, but I met my gf's friend today. I could not help but look at her with each opportunity I had. She had these green eyes and really nice facial skin...a very nice body too.

These thoughts were occurring WHILE my gf was there. Thoughts like these are foul and impulsive, yet I'm unable to resist them at this stage. I've reached streaks where I could acknowledge a girl's beauty but not to the point where it overwhelmed me. No, my gf doesn't have my "favorite" eye color, but future PMO free me doesn't give a shit about that. My gf has acne scaring, and does not have the smooth skin her friend has. The comparison is clear as day to me here at ground zero because that's all I value at the moment. Looks. I didn't even feel a driving urge to have sex with the girl, I just found her sexually attractive. It's odd because if I turned on porn right now, I'd be rock hard. If sex were proposed by gf I'd drag my feet. When I make it to around the 10 day mark I can feel my need to place value in looks dissipate, and I start to value the quality my gf DOES have....because in all reality no one you date is going to have it all. Its concerning that I often overlook my gf 's really great qualities when on PMO, but lack the ability to really let it pain me. I'm looking to regain myself.

 

Thanks man! I sure will!

 

Day 3 - Seeing some changes

I got out of bed relatively early today and was quite productive. Last night though.....fucking annoying and slightly difficult. I could feel the old me speaking to me, "just jerk off" or "just watch a little porn, it'll be okay. You're only 3 days in".
Nah. I went to bed lol
Notable changes:

1. My gf's friend (the one I thought was overwhelmingly attractive) is now just attractive.
2. I did alot of cleaning/organizing and it WASN'T stressful or mentally cumbersome
3. I'm able to recall and retain new information - I had server maintenance to do earlier today with a colleague, and I didn't have trouble with. I usually can't focus or need to ask a million questions...not this time. I've been studying for a course I'm taking in school as well, and I thankfully am not having any issues.
4. I still have relationship anxiety (not able to be sure I'm with the right person) but, I was able to think more about her non-physical qualities, than her physical ones.

Changes I'd like to see:

1. I'd like to be more present when interacting with my gf. At the moment, I'm on edge about silly things like being touched or kissed when playing video games.
2. I'd like to find my gf more attractive. As of right now, she is quite overweight...but I'm hoping that in time I place MOST of my value in personality traits than physical ones. Besides, she is working out and making the necessary changes...she's BEEN losing weight.
3. More confidence
4. Better diction
5. Less ogling of other girls.
6. An end to valuing girls based on their physical appearance. I frequently think things like, "she'd look so much better if she did xyz". I'm seeking to put an end to this, and just live my life without giving shits about what everyone else is doing.
7. Regain my emotions. I've definitely lost touch with them. This affects everything, especially my relationship.

Day 3

 

Thank you so much! I'll keep at it!

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me! I consistently agonize over my lack of sexual attraction. A few months ago we almost broke up due to a misunderstanding. She was not sexually attractive to me but I assumed she wouldn't take the news well so I started the process of breaking up. (we were only about 2 months into our relationship). Eventually we talked things out and I mentioned the following:

1. She didn't look much like the photos she posted on okcupid. She was hot in those photos - seemingly in shape, curvaceous... But she's now overweight and has acne scars.
2. It felt like she didn't want to workout get in shape. I also thought she looked down on my efforts due to a prior experience with my ex. I also shared my philosophy - what's the point of dating someone if they aren't going to take care of themselves? (longevity, quality of life)
3. I start dating someone because I see potential. My gf is very supportive of the things I do, and despite being a pure extrovert she's willing to listen while I share my hopes and dreams.. .my philosophies and findings. I've had girls who've "listened" to me, but not to this degree. I feel like I have her attention. I was also super broke for the first few months but she stuck with me, didn't give me shit when I wasn't able to take her out so often.

I truly do care for her, but PMO makes me STRESS her physical aspects way more than I should. She's been working out and losing weight. I just need to be patient. I can't ask for more.

 

Day 4 - I'm not sure

I dont feel like doing a number of things today:

1. Gym
2. Studying
3. Video games


It's odd, because I was quite motivated to do these things yesterday. I would like to lie in bed. I'd like to PMO quite a bit but I'd like to feel good about myself for once and so I'm not. I've been laying in bed for quite a bit. Thought about ordering food that's probably bad for me. I don't feel like talking to anyone.

Going to set a time to go to the gym. I feel a weight on me today and it's not the rain. Canceled my therapist appointment today just because I didn't feel like going. Don't think it's laziness, but regardless .. I'm going to give myself a bit then go to the gym.

Day 4

 

Unfortunately it took a lot for me to say it. At first she thought I was breaking up with her for no reason. She kept asking me why over and over but I didn't answer.

Eventually she left, and we started texting about it. I expressed that I wasnt sexually attracted to her, and while yeah it upset her, she looked at it as an area of improvement. I also told her that I found her pictures on okcupid super hot, but disappointed me a bit to see such a difference irl. Most girls wouldn't be able to handle the things I said, but my gf is fucking awesome sooo lol

And yes, she had a willingness. She didn't drag her feet, which is something I was DREADING because of that prior experience. My gf is quite the go getter - she willingly goes to the gym with me, and gyms on her own. Shes on top of it.

 

Looks like one of the mods already did that for me

Thank you!

 

Day 5 - I feel things

I'm starting to feel things. Earlier today, I felt rage. Pure rage towards my coworker because he was being an asshole to me for no reason (will spare you the details). I kinda miss my gf and so it felt nice to chat with her for a bit via text. My friend had a baby girl today and I was extremely excited for them! On PMO, I wouldn't have given the slightest shit and that is the honest truth.

Im trying to guide my eyes when traversing the web. It's crazy how commonplace it is for skimpy pictures of women to exist on the internet webs, and a rebooting fap boi it's scary. Do you look? Do you avert your eyes forever? Why am I looking? Is it okay to look? Crazy how I don't know the answer to these questions. If I were to ask one of my male friends they'd have NO issue just taking a quick peek. Unfortunately taking a quick peek, for me, leads to fapping.

I need to gain control over myself and these impulses

 

Day 7 - A Week In

Today was a long day. Did a number of things I didn't want to do today at work, but got shit done regardless. Studied, and studied alot more efficiently than I have in the past. I could have done more but I had studied enough.

I'm starting to feel real, overwhelming emotion. I am truly feeling the weight of my stress as of the last few days (work and school) I was on the verge of tears for most of today (fucking weird). I'm sad that I overheard my coworker talking shit about me. I thought we were cool, but I guess not. Later in the day I was listening to a song with this solemn vibe, and it was really getting to me. I started to tear up and realized I hadn't heard from my gf in a bit (she's traveling in a different country).

I think I actually miss her. I feel quite lonely. This is probably why the fap addiction started - loneliness is a feeling I FEEL quite often (when not high on PMO) and so I usually medicate. Best to just though it out though. I'm super productive, disciplined, communicative, smart and confident.

Just gotta tough it out.

 

Day 1

back to day one after last night. Just lost control of myself and returned to porn. I noticed that because I wasn't tempted heavily for the past few days, that it'd be OK to just not read nofap success stories like I have been and to stop updating my journal so often. I was wrong. Yesterday I noticed I was looking at girls sexually quite often. I went to Walmart and oogled any girl who seemed sexually attractive. I watched a movie and did the same thing - but I caught myself way too late. I need to discipline and train myself.

 

Day 2

Was productive at least. Was hard to build up the motivation to do most things, but managed somewhat. Looking forward to when the brain fog passes. I miss writing and studying efficiently.

 

It's been a crazy week, but I've made it to 7 days. I've been studying my ass off for school, working, working out....

Things have been quite productive for me. At the beginning of my journey (after relapse) I decided I'd work on my self-discipline. I'm overweight and I needed it, but it could also teach me a thing or two about abstinence while in recovery. Sure enough it did, and ironically enough, I've lost 7 pounds today.

The changes I've seen:

1. As of the last 2-3 days, I am no longer being haunted by my exs, and former friends.
2. Although I'm not incredibly sexually attracted to my gf (long story, but can explain if needed), I texted and asked her when the next time we're having sex is (she's been away).
3. I don't need a full 8 hours of sleep to feel well rested
4. I'm able to come up with clever comebacks, and comments during conversation
5. I enjoy having conversations. I actually stop what I'm doing to talk with people at times. It's fucking weird.
6. I can focus for longer, and with greater intensity.

Some things to be wary of:

1. Instagram - there are just too many girls with revealing shots floating around on that shit.
2. Youtube - music videos are filled with girls shaking their asses.
3. Being approached by women. Reason why I say this is because I'm in a relationship. I went to a show last night, and I was approached by a few girls. One was drunk, and super affectionate. I remember back when I made it to the 20 day mark, I came across this sexually attractive girl and I could not fucking handle it. I could not stop looking at her, and I couldn't stop the thoughts from sexual thoughts from entering my head. I was reminded of this last night, especially because the drunk gave me a hug....I made sure to escape the situation as casually as possible.

Looking forward to getting another week under my belt. Taking it one day at a time.