My porn habit hurts my SO

It is great that you are trying to reassure your wife and it is also great that you do find her physically attractive. But It is concerning that you seem to think that her feeling compared to the women you watch in porn is not a logical assumption. It is totally natural and logical for her to feel this way.... Try putting yourself in her shoes. How would it effect you if you stumbled on a browser history full of pics and videos of countless hot , hard, well endowed, young men. And you realized that while you were away, maybe in the shower or sleeping or at work, she was obsessively browsing and viewing these pics and videos, all while pleasuring herself and imaging she was actually experiencing these men's bodies. Now imagine that sometimes during sex with you, she seemed distant and not fully present and you realized that when she closed her eyes during sex,images of these men would enter her mind and sometimes she would just go with it and pretend it was actually them she was with and not you. Honestly, just image that for a moment, then assess your feelings of confidence and self worth....... How are you feeling?

 

Also, you should be aware that studies show that even moderate exposure to soft pornhas a subconscious effect of men, leaving them to rate their spouses lower on, not only attractiveness, but also warmth and intelligence. You hobby of viewing porn on the internet does effect how you see your wife and her worth, whether you deny it or not. Instead of projecting it on to her and making it seem like she has some kind of self confidence issue or hang ups, take responsibility for the shitty effects that your porn use has brought into the relationship and fix it.

 

Hi I'm a SO of a porn addict with DE. First the lying kills us more than anything so be honest with her. Second like fuzzywaz said reverse the scenario and think how it would make you feel? Pmo is very damaging to relationships read the stats. So just stop it. The only way she will feel better is if overtime you don't use it again and are honest. Don't try to justify why you looked at it or explain that it had nothing to do with her body that's not productive or helpful. Just say something like I realize how harmful by viewing of porn was to our relationship and how much it hurts you. I am not watching it anymore I do not plan on watching it anymore and if I do slip up I will tell you. You are enough for me I don't need that. I think there is a difference between how men and women see porn use. If she is enough and you love her body why do you need to look at porn? Why can't you just think about her? We don't get it we just don't. And many men do use porn as an escape that has nothing to do with sex so they conpartementalize and say it won't effect their relationship. It does. The more you try to explain the more defensive you appear read not sorry! Just fall on the sword bite the bullet and know it's going to take a very long time for her to feel better. Remember that before you look at porn next time. Ask yourself is it worth it?

 

I find it interesting that you look at porn, your wife is embarrassed about her body and has low self esteem, but you don't see the connection between the two......

 

A cost I consider with pmo is how does it affect my daughter?

 

If you are watching cheerleader porn and your daughter does cheerleading... And she stumbled upon your search history... What do you think she would think?

 

This is very common for addicts the part about not connecting how your actions effect others. My ex who was a pmo addict had a huge issue with this. It was not just with me but in all aspects of his life. He never ran through the thought process most people do before taking action, the process that says how will this effect others? Be that his coworkers me his Mother. He had zero insight into anyone else's feelings and could not fathom how anyone felt differently than he did. It's interesting you say that the reason you don't is because your low self esteem causes you to think no one listens or is effected by your actions. That's a valid point I had never thought of it that way. A huge reason I ended things with my pmo addict is he could just not get to this point. He never considered my feelings in anything he did or if he did he presumed I would feel the same way he did and so I should not be hurt. No matter how many times I told him specific things hurt me he just kept doing them and refusing to apologize because he did not do it on purpose. It would not have hurt him so it should not hurt me. No matter that it did hurt me it should not. Gaining introspective into the feelings of others, putting others feelings before your own and learning to apologize even when you don't think you are wrong but because your partner is hurt will go a long way to recovery for you and forgiveness by her.

 

Low tide high tide you seem to have never developed a keen sense of self awareness.

 

I broke up with someone after 4 years because to me her lack of self awareness made her come across as cold, unfeeling, and frankly soulless. She can't have a heart if she lacks a soul. To this day she keeps telling me I'm just not expressive but although I love her she would rip my heart open way too much.

 

I don't understand your exact meaning.

Are you concerned about her boyfriends or future husband using and doing to her what has been done to all of us SOs? Are you worried if she finds out you are an addict what she will think of you and how it may make her question a lot of things about her world? Are you concerned you may start to look at her differently (not trying to be crude or disrespectful, but it can and does happen with sex addiction)?

I worry everyday about the boys my daughter dates and will someday marry. I worry about her having to go through this same pain and trauma because they may be addicts, as it seems the younger generation is more glued to technology ever. I worry everyday that despite our best efforts to educate and monitor, our sons will fall victims to the trap of PMO and not know how to ask for help.

 

How pmo affect my SO is exactly as OP described it. Just like OP, I tried to explain it but ended up sounding defensive.

I've come to learn that there is no explaining it. Due to the PMO addiction, I've become a habitual liar. If I had never lied about it, maybe I could explain some of it and have it accepted, but I've lost all trust so everything I say it's now tainted with possible lies.

Over the years, because I've lied about certain things, there's no way another person can determine if my words or actions were just motivated by my PMO.

It's all a vicious cycle that only time and effort will heal.

It may be frustrating but I(or you) created this environment of pain and mistrust. The only things an SO can believe after a betrayal like this is themselves. You have to accept that. I have to accept that.

 

Bravo! Exactly! I hope other addicts read what you said and take it to heart. Not sure as a SO I've read an addicts post that puts this so well into words.

 

I agree. Very powerful consolidated statement. The lies, secrecy, and compulsion to hide is the thing that causes the long term damage to addicts and loved ones.