My Porn experience / side-effects

**Warning: Before reading this, just know, there might be some triggers**
I will jump around a bunch on this post, be warned might be all over the place, sorry!

Right, so here is a bit of background about myself: I am a 20yr old college student, going into my sophomore year of school. I am 6ft2, average weight, and I would say more on the athletic physique side.(Played hockey Freshman-Junior year in HS.) I started dabbling into the world of pornography when I was in 5th or 6th grade, not to certain on that. My journey started out simplistic, looking at pictures of boobs, usually by typing in "boobies" at the time. (I was young! give me a break!) and I remember the first time I ever reached an orgasm, I didn't even have to touch myself, and I was the horniest little guy ever.
Progressively, I moved onto watching pornographic videos, straight, lesbian, intrigued by it, and waiting for my chance to step to the plate to be the next Ron Jeremy or whatever.. I was satisfied with this porn, on average I would PMO or MO in the mornings before school, and PMO 3+ times when I came home. PMO was my way of coping with life, and relieving stress, if only for a couple of minutes, as I was constantly bullied in middle school, and girls wanted nothing to do with me. This threw me into a social-outcast / awkwardness state, which I have been in since. Thus, I got more and more into PMO, as well as Video-games, which I threw myself into, to escape reality, I would play more than 6+ hours when I got back from school, and the whole day on weekends. This really affected my social skills, health, physical shape, confidence, anxiety, and so on. I have been living in this state for the majority of my HS / college life, to nervous to talk to women, to scared to be rejected, not knowing what to do.
Porn lead me to I think objectify women, and not see them as who they are -- humans, and loving and caring at that.
My porn addiction escalated, and I moved into things that I am not proud of, and in hindsight, scare the ever-living shit out of me. (Fetishes, BSDM, Femdom.) in which men were treated like shit. At my high, I was watching this for maybe one year, but in the recent 1-2 years, I have just been watching Straight Pornography.
If there are any gay people, please, don't get offended by this statement: ever since I was a little child, I have always dreamed of having a wife, with children, that I would be able to raise, and take to baseball practice / games, the perfect, generic life. (At least what I think is.) But ever since this porn took over my life years ago, this goal in life has become faded, and I don't know if I can reach it because of this addiction.

Though I am not proud of it, and feel incredibly ashamed, I had my first sexual intercourse on my 19th birthday, with a gorgeous women who I have lost contact with. The day before the event, I invited her over, (first time meeting her aswell), and we cuddled and watched a movie together, my heart was racing the whole time, and having her against me was a euphoric experience, and I still can't get the smell of her hair out of my head..
The next day, she came over, I invited her up to my room, we laid in my bed, and watched netflix, cuddled, and I thought that was it. Lo and behold, 5 minutes, if that before her dad came to pick her up, we did the deed. Though I had a half erection... (looking at this, I think this was caused by a variety of things working against me including, PIED, sexual performance anxiety, horrible self-body image, the classic "what if there is a hole in the condom," as well as me thinking this was too bloody fast for a second date.) It may just be me, but, I think what I want is to have a loving caring relationship first, where we go on a couple of dates, get to know each other, hang out for a bit, before going to sex. I like to take things slow, and I am proud of that.
We did it, I came, she quickly got dressed, kissed me goodbye, and her dad picked her up. We were both 18. After she left, I felt so happy, but sad at the same time b/c I couldn't perform at my best. I texted my good friend, and he said about damn time.. lol.
A year progresses, and I am to where I am currently, I have a limited group of friends up at school (during the school year) and I am in my second summer semester. I have basically kept myself up in my dorm room, playing video games, and watching porn, as there is not much else for me to do.. I think that this social isolation has started to really affect my mental health, along with other things.
I have started to think, man, why could I not perform well with the girl (above), what is wrong with me?
And thus, lead into I believe to be HOCD.
I think that this has been brought on by a couple of things: one being me having no sexual drive to meet women, or form a relationship anymore, reading up on this, it is believed to have been caused by excessive porn use, and fucked-up levels of dopamine. My brain associates pleasure with porn, and video games. I cannot remember the last time I popped a full hard on without touching myself, and see no attraction.. this lead me to think, hm, this must mean I'm gay!
Now, before I get hate, I DO NOT have anything against gay people. What goes on in the bedroom is your own business, I do not give a damn. My hairstylist is gay, and is a really cool guy.
Before this episode of HOCD hit me, I was really into bodybuilding, and seeing what the human body can become. Looking at mens bodies 24/7 and striving to reach that goal, not once the thought of being gay hit me. I was striving, and still am for that goal of perfection. Now with what I believe is HOCD, I can't look at a male in public, or on the internet without getting a extremely queasy feeling, almost as if I am going to throw the fuck up, and I don't know what it is but my balls get really tight, almost painful. I feel bloody uncomfortable 24/7. I also could not see myself having a "relationship" with a male counterpart, that is weird. Now even though I know I am straight, constantly, 24/7 I get the thought "what if?..." and cannot get rid of it. This has thrown me into a depressive / anxiety filled life. I constantly feel I have to watch porn to prove to myself that I am indeed straight.
With all of the excessive porn use, I can't even maintain erections for a long period of time without touching, they just fade away, and have noticed most times, I cant get a full, hard erection.
I feel as if I am fully crushed as a human, unable to maintain a erection, unable to have a relationship anymore with a women, this has lead to some dark thoughts, and I want it gone. Any advice is greatly appreciated, sorry for the long-winded talk.

 

Thanks for the reply, looking back at it, I am not sure -- ever since I was young I only thought of women, but I don't know why I was trying to prove to people that I wasn't. Already one day in, I am feeling better about myself, as well as my sexuality, I'm not sure if it was due to just excessive use of porn, or just being in my head 24/7.

 

That makes sense, Being that I am into body-building, I do admire mens bodies, as in the definition, striations, amount of work that goes into making a dream a reality, it is my hope one day to be ripped / have the girls come to me, Now that I have been PMO free for a bit, my HOCD thoughts have declined, I haven't been getting anxiety attacks, and feel much more confident.. still have a long way to go, but I definitely think that porn has really fucked up my mind, now for the healing.
Thanks for the reply, and wish you the best of luck on your journey brother!