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My path across many years (letting it all out - long report)

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by pira3, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. pira3

    pira3 Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys, i'm a 27 years old male living in some country around the world. I'm here to share my porn and masturbation problems because there's no one in my life who I could share this shameful feeling. I'm not feel safe to even write and share this in my native language, in foruns in my country. I have this crushing paranoic feeling of being discovered (and I know this is an exageration). My story is a bit long, but i'm really need to pull this off in some place, and I feel that here is the best place to do so.

    I think it started around 15 or 16 years old. I'm virgin, have no sexual life and this way is the only way to discharge my needs. I really do not have and moral repression about masturbation and porn, the problem is when gets out of hand.

    I remember moments ate younger ages (around 16~17) when I was so bersek that I submited to masturbation and porn in relative's houses, even sick with fever.
    I've tried to block this attitude this year by writting in my pc wallpaper ("do not do that, your going to be regretful" or something like this). It worked, but I migrated to my laptop. I spared its parts, and migrated to my smartphone. I spared its battery, And migrated back to my pc. Really hard situation.

    In 2014, an urologist recommended an unecessary postectomy (phimosys suregy). I do not have phimosys or any cleaning problems, it was for skin excess in my penis. I just made the surgery becuse the surgery removes the sensitive region in penis, taking away the most estimulating region. I thought this could free me from masturbation impulses, but it was no use (of course).

    An year to now, I started to punish myself hitting punches in my face after jerking off. It get to the point that I got bumps on my forehead and bruises in my nose sometimes. I think the anesteshia feeling for the pain makes the dopamine works more longer and gives me a false sense of moral healing. But I know this is very very wrong and inappropriate.

    I think 30 minutes have passed, And i spent 2~3 hours watching porn. I go to sleep late, loses a healthy sleep, poison my thoughts, To not mention undesired boners when I go to my work or when I'm there already.

    I have purposes (study, a nice job), have alternative hobbies like playing, but it's no use. In some moments in my life, playing online is another kind of emotional trap. And I don't want to switch from one problem to another. I got to the point of playing and watching porn at the same time. I started to practice swimming to redirect my body energy, but no sucess.

    The hardest part is that I live in a small house with my family. I got to the point of sharing the same room, and watch secrectly pornography at the distance of 5 meters or less. Take care to jerk off in bath in silence... I'm really tired of this. Games, studying give some emotional rewards that we all demands, but even that have failures (I lost in a game, or my studies don't avance very much some day). Porn and masturbation is the only 100% stimulating return to me. Not to mention my absolute negative disposal of engaging in relationship and intimacy with a woman. I know I want, but I feel I can't and don't deserve.

    About the "X days without porn/masturbation" thing, this don't works for me. I can easily stay out of this for some months. I've done this across all this years, but one, two or three months later I'll aways get back. My actual crysis started at this september end.

    I'm really sorry for the giant post and for some english errors, but this is the weight I've carried lonely and secretly for many years. Thanks for this space and attention.
     
  2. Thanks for sharing your store. Most people, me included, us addiction to provide escape for some trauma of the past or a stressor or anxiety that they have had or currently have. Have you given any thought as to what your trying to mask or escape from when you engage in Porn and masterbation or gaming? Understanding what you escaping and addressing it, might help address your problem.
     
  3. pira3

    pira3 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Robbie. Looking for this side, i've suffered social phobia some years ago, and was treated by a doctor. My treatment was really bad and I had to solve a little part of this struggle (that still exists in a minor scale) with brute strength.
    Maybe could be anxiety release, but PMO is undoubtedly "superior" than gaming. In games we can lose, finish, unistall and get tired. PMO has easy access and reacts 100% in the same way in the brain.

    Besides that, i'm a kind of digital artist, and anatomy is part of my study routine. Sometimes is really hard to not sexualize when i'm looking for nude models for muscle and skeleton structure analisys.

    Until before yesterday and I was really distressed; today, i'm completely relaxed with no desires. But in some days, i'm 100% sure it will be coming back.
     
  4. If I am hearing you correctly, then you would be okay with limited PMO provided it is not excessive. Since you are a digital artist, nudity and sexuality are part of that creative process. My advice to you is find the balance that makes the most sense for you and be okay with that. Since this site it more about abstaining completely from P, then you are going to get a lot of people who are going to recommend abstaining completely because P is a powerful escape. However, it still comes down to what’s right for you at an individual level.

    If your still battling a social phobia, and I suspect you are, then you need to decide if you are using P or gaming as an escape from not engaging the outside world. If the answer is yes, then it’s time to turn off and choose to do the uncomfortable thing you are avoiding. I think this might help you with the balance that you are speaking.

    Additionally, I would not beat yourself up over your art and the study of skeletal structure analysis. You are an artist and the human body and it’s sexuallity is a norm part of the process.

    Robbie
     
  5. pira3

    pira3 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks again for the advices and attention, Robbie.

    The truth is, I would really like to never do that again in my deepest thoughts. That's so true, that I submited to that surgery and I think frequently about being old and having lower desires as a relief.

    But I know that isn't possible to erase this need, and I try to "look for the bright side" and do not push me down even more, and feel me like a piece of shit. That I'm human and I need to canalize this sexual energy... Times to times I really don't push me too much, but while socializing (in my work) and inevitably compare my none sexual-life and PMO needs to others, I feel shame, that I'm a failure, and the worst person alive. I know that comparisons are the way to hell and I say that to many people with other struggles. But hey... advices to other never works with ourseves, at last not with me. I say comparison is shit, but my brain screams the opposite.

    If I do not socialize, I discount my loneliness with PMO (I usually do that in weekends and holidays, when I'm home all the time)
    But If I socialize, I feel like crap for repressing my needs and/or having just PMO as a way.

    My social skills are a little better, but this happens and I got stuck in this dilemma. I end up burnt anyways.

    PS.: Just one add - when I said 'loneliness', I mean physical contact, or some social life. Inside my mind and my "self" I'm kinda ok, and I'm able to convert loneliness to solitude. If I couldn't do that, I believe my PMO need would be way way worse, almost pathological, but still bad.
     
    Last edited: Nov 17, 2017

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