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My partner relapsed after a year

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by MementoMori, Jan 3, 2017.

  1. MementoMori

    MementoMori Fapstronaut

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    Yes I did as he has lied. He has not been sober at all. Why would I celebrate his lies to a group?? I came to an escort just this week, how is that a year clean?
     
  2. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    Wow now, your opening post is titled relapse after a year. So I assumed he went a whole year without it then relapsed.
    No need to get all blunt.

    We're here to try an understand what's going on and offer some degree of help, not be targeted by your anger towards him.

    I'm not being mean when I say this but maybe you should vent your disappointment on something else like a punch bag.

    And now I know the full scenario in your situation, I think it's better off to just leave him in the cold, seems like he's had enough chances and has total disrespect for you...if I'm honest.

    If he can't see your passion to help him, then he's lost in his mind.
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2017
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your problem is not unusual. I can remember someone else having a similar story where there was more going on that just addiction and the poster had to talk her husband out of killing himself. Not only did she have to deal with a mentally ill husband but she had to deal with her PTSD from the incident.

    I'm afraid that there is not going to be any answer or advice that is going to fix him. We like to believe that the is a pill, or a therapy, or something we can say or do that will fix the problem, but sometimes the truth is that some damage cannot be fixed. Some things cannot be fixed with more time, more love, more understanding, or more patience. We like to believe that everyone can be cured but I believe some people are just too broken. Some people don't have enough motivation. Some people just don't have the strength. Some people are just too sick. And there are situations that can drain the life out of the caregiver until there is nothing left.

    You have done EVERYTHING that can be expected of you and more. I think you need to start thinking about what you can do to stop being hurt by the things he is doing. I'm not saying you need to move out or you have to kick him out... that is not my business. But there are levels of emotional/physical/financial separation that you can do to protect yourself. Breaking the bonds that once held you together takes time to disconnect and heal.

    Remember, his inability to get better is NOT because you didn't try hard enough, didn't love enough, or wasn't patient enough. You have not failed. Now you need to do the opposite and start being selfish and looking after yourself. Your mental health and stability is at risk. In the movies we idealize the noble quality of HOPE. But this man has not given you anything that inspires hope. I don't want to crush the hope you may still be holding onto, but you yourself have not described anything that shows there's any basis for him getting better unless something more drastic happens. And there's no guarantee that those drastic measures would even work.

    This problem has already consumed one individual... don't let it consume both of you.
     
    KevinesKay, WifeInTheDark and dewdrop like this.
  4. MementoMori

    MementoMori Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry it came across so terse. I was being quick and was confused that someone had not thought I was trying. I didn't think. Incredibly rude. Massive apology.
     
  5. I like blunt. Blunt does not equal rude. I didn't see anything rude whatsoever in that reply above. People can be so oversensitive. Or maybe some things fly over my head. Sometimes I feel that I might not be properly socially calibrated or something.

    Good that you kicked him out tho. You gotta move on at this point. There is a wonderful person waiting somewhere for you who will appreciate and respect you.
     
    WifeInTheDark and MementoMori like this.
  6. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    The reward was gained by trickery. He was not sober. He lied in front of the whole group !
     
  7. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Now I understand how you two are coupled together. He has an addiction, and you have a helper's snydrome.

    BTW, I am like you. I am together with a woman who is nie, but totally chaotic and living in a total mess. Up to financial problems and even getting legal penalities. I helped her all the time.
    I quit two times, and everytime, she made a suicide attempt and begged me not to leave her. And I still can't leave her.
     
  8. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    Yes I understand that now...
    But the thread title should be titled "My partner relapsed, but lied about being clean for a year".

    This is why I was not on the same wavelength.
    To me the title simply meant that he relapsed after a year free.
     
  9. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    You weren't rude, rude would be a reply with 100 swears.
    Also stop being sorry, I am not offended, just pointing out that we were not on the same train of thought at the time.

    I don't get offended by anything much.

    I'm curious has your bf done drugs in the past?
     
  10. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    When does helping go to far though?
    I believe if someone can't stand on their own 2 feet after countless props up from partners or professionals then, there is no hope from then on.
    It's not fair on the helper because they don't know when to stop and just get dragged down by the "dead weight". I use that term because it's self explanatory in situations like this.
    I'm by no means heartless but, sometimes the line must be crossed and action must be done.

    I use the same mentality about hypothetical scenarios like society collapsing, mental integrity is key to survival.

    "You can break my body but you can't break my mind".

    Some people just aren't strong enough in their minds.
     
  11. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    Helping can definitively go too far.
    It is an addiction by itself - called co-addiction.

    In cases like theses, you better help by not-helping.

    If you always help the addict out of trouble, the addict can never stand up by himself.

    Also, the helping person is forgetting about herself, she is sacrificing her life for someone else.
     
  12. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I got now time for that, I will help someone twice maybe 3 times but if they keep asking after that, I'm just like "nope your on your own".
    The only people I help endlessly are the elderly or disabled.
    I think it's linked to people being mollycoddled when they were young, given every toy or never spanked etc.

    I was brought up to respect elders and be independent.
     
  13. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    I am not sure if we understand each other.

    Here we have a case, where two people with insecurities came togehter.
    Both of them are not living their lives.
    One became an addict, one became an co-addict.

    It is good that she drew the line and left him.
    With that, he has a chance to stand up on his own, but she has to learn to live her own life, as well.
     
    Star Lord likes this.
  14. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I understand fully.
    I personally think he won't be able to stand on his own. With the amount of input op put in for him to still be a mess is clear to me that he will be a total mess alone.
    But this is natural selection. It's cruel but necessary, only the strongest will survive.
     
  15. SnowWhite

    SnowWhite Fapstronaut

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    That must not be the case. Some people develop strength as soon as they realize that they are fully on their own.

    And anyway, he is really better off with professional help.

    And if all that does not help, then - sorry - he will become a bum.
     
    Star Lord likes this.
  16. Star Lord

    Star Lord Fapstronaut

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    This very true. In theory he's already bum now he's kicked out.
     
  17. MementoMori

    MementoMori Fapstronaut

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    The police called around with him last night. I refused and I think they understand my position. Imagine he's now with his father.

    Maybe I do have a helper issue. I chose medicine for a career.

    He's never done drugs.
     
  18. MementoMori

    MementoMori Fapstronaut

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    This is really true. He has never had any consequences in his life until now.
     
    Star Lord and Son of a Bitch like this.
  19. @MementoMori if I could hug you I would. You've done a very difficult but healthy thing for both yourself and him. Don't worry about if he will use this opportunity or not. Right now focus on your own recovery from this trauma. Learn from this experience and see the areas where you can improve on yourself so you do not revert back to another unhealthy relationship like this one. Find a goood support structure so you have a healthy outlet to grieve and grow. You are worthy of love and happiness.
     
    Star Lord likes this.
  20. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    This is very sad that this happened. It is very tough to have to make a decision like this. After reading through this thread, it sounds like you made the right decision. Any decisions that he makes from here on out are his responsibility, not yours. Please remember that, because sometimes that guilt can kick in and you do not need to feel guilty.

    Had I known the impact that my PMO addiction would have had on my wife throughout our years of marriage, I would have told her to run and to run away from me as fast as she could. I am actually surprised she stuck with me for as long as she has. Our marriage is better, and we have a better relationship now. We still have a ways to go, but we are getting there together now. This is because I finally made a decision to be responsible for my past and make a conscious effort to get better. It sounds like he is unwilling to do so. He continues to lie and cheat. He obviously doesn't think much of you due to being with an escort and you catching him. How about the rest of the times recently when you haven't caught him.

    This is a tough time and hopefully you will feel better over time and will be able to move on with your life. I believe that there are better things waiting for you. Stay strong and we are here for you.
     

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