MY OFFICIAL REBOOT( the beginning of the end )

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Rock_Star, Mar 31, 2018.

  1. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

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    Reset your counter—it’s your recovery so you run it your way. But the fact that your response was to kick it in the dumpster like a shit-covered shoe shows you’re fighting the good fight. You could have easily returned to the Dark Side.

    Short of joining a monastery or moving to the Alaskan wild, we will all be faced at some point with porn. Avoidance is certainly one of our most powerful defenses, but it is not infallible.
     
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  2. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 32
    Yesterday really really... really sucked. I completely melted down yesterday. kenzi was grilling me and asking me questions about what happened at the dump. when I first told her I left out a detail about how I kicked them into the dumpster. there were two DVDs that fell out of the trash bag, one I kicked and it went right into the dumpster the second didn't I had to chase it down, I grabbed a broom and I finally got it into the dumpster. The whole thing took about 10 seconds. kenzi felt like I trickle truthed her, which I kinda did by leaving out a detail and bringing it up later. anyway I was being defensive after all her questions and I lost it. my mental aptitude went out the window. I couldn't think, I was hyper ventilating, I felt like nothing I was saying was what kenzi wanted or the answers I was giving were good enough. at the end of the night we were arguing more. she wants to know whether I thought the boobs on the DVDs were attractive. I keep telling her I didn't look long enough to tell if they were attractive. their were naked people on DVDs I saw that it was porn and got rid of it as fast as I could. she keeps saying that I should be able to tell in a moment whether I think something is attractive, what was your first reaction when you saw the boobs. I told her my first thought was ahhh porn get rid of it. not oh boobs those are nice. I just don't know what to do. I want to be supportive and I know I wasn't yesterday after I melted down. I want to be there for her and give her everything she needs and wants, but I know that if I tell her something because it's something I think she wants to her and not something that actually happened I'd be lying. I don't want to lie to her. I have my Pollygraph today. I'm super nervous about it. not because I'm hiding anything, but I'm terrified that no matter what I say it's going to be wrong and something is going to happen and kenzi is going to think I'm a lier and never ever trust me. I feel like my whole world is coming crashing down around me and I can't do anything about it.
     
  3. As an SO I think it's fair to ask that question. I know that I've said the same to @Jak3 and he has said the exact thing you've said, "It wasn't long enough to know" or whatever.

    For me, I bring up the example of walking down the street, if I see a guy with nice hair (skater/emo hair) I notice it, but move on with my day. To me the hair is attractive, so I know. I know what my type is. So when Jak says he doesn't know or it wasn't long enough, I don't see that as valid, because in our instinctual part of the brain it only takes microseconds to look at a persons face and decide whether they are mate potential (i.e. healthy and fertile genetically). I watched a documentary on attraction from a biological POV and within seconds of looking at a face, body, the way a person walks, voice tone, we make a decision on whether that person has healthy traits of a potential mate.

    Biologically speaking a woman with curves says to the male brain "fertile" so that would by animalistic brain maybe be attractive. But emotionally that may not be what a guy wants or is into.

    I totally see your point of view though, you noticed nakedness on the cover and instantly thought porn, get rid of it. So you may not have truly noticed specific body parts if you saw the whole dvd rather than focus on parts.

    I know that is a tricky situation. But when Jak asks me whether a guy in a tv show is attractive, I know he already knows the answer is yes, so I say, "yes, his hair is nice" because usually the overall look is not what I am into but the hairstyle to me is attractive.

    As an SO, remember we want to know that it's our body that does it for you, not just any body, or any body part. We want to feel special. So maybe she just wants you to acknowledge that even though you saw the cover, it didn't do anything for you because it wasn't Kenzi's body (if you saw long enough). You know?

    I mean, if the situation was reversed and she cheated on you with porn or people or whatever, and she saw someone's dick, wouldn't you want to know whether it did something for her? (I know guys are notoriously sensitive about their size, erection strength etc.) Wouldn't it be nice to hear her say, "I didn't really see it long enough, I just wanted to get rid of it. Either way, you are the only one I want, and your dick is the only one that does it for me" or something like that.

    Sorry if I rambled, but does any of what I said make sense or help??
     
  4. I might get royally crucified for this comment... but I'm going to make it anyway: as men, we are turned on by the naked female body. Isn't there something instinctual that just happens Within a man's brain?

    We should certainly only want/desire our wives body.
    We should certainly not seek out other naked bodies.
    We should setup boundaries so we don't ogle/gawk/lust after other female bodies.
    In the unfortunate circumstance where nudity or some inappropriate situation hits us in the face, we should immediately run or flee or "kick it into the trash".

    ..

    It seems like a near impossibility to "train" a man not be turned on by a naked female body. (if that is what you are getting at)

    ..

    But I don't know....maybe that is just my warped PA brain thinking that through. Many, many years ago my wife and I went to the Dominican Republic for a week-long getaway. They have topless beach there. It was definitely hard for me to divert my eyes. I know I didn't do it perfectly.. And I was in the middle of a hidden porn addiction as well.

    I'm confident we would never go back to a place like that now. But what I took away from your comment Anna, was that if a man were to be had a topless beach with his wife ( which I don't recommend!! ) .. the man should not be turned on by all the other women, but only be turned on by his wife. ( my wife didn't, and would never go topless for the record )

    Anyway...I am trying to open an honest discussion about this, not throw fuel on an unstable fire.
     
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  5. Archangel 77

    Archangel 77 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with Eyeswideopen 100%. Just the other day, I was driving and I couldn’t stop noticing all the ads and billboards for strip clubs. Apparently Stormy Daniels is coming into town soon. LOL. Point being, I could let my mind wander or simply acknowledge, yup that’s a trigger, time to think other thoughts. It’s sounds like you immediately moved on. If that’s not success and progress, I’m not sure what is.

    Keep in mind, this world does not want you to be free or different. There will always be temptation, and judging by current standards and trends, I think it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

    Be proud that you were aware, and moved on. I encourage you to re-reset your counter to the former streak. All the best!
     
  6. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    I wasn't attracted to the DVDs. I wasn't turned on or sexually aroused. kenzi is the only thing that turns me on. I know it' hard to believe but it's true. anytime she bends over or does something cute or bounces through the house. she turns me on. I don't want porn! I want kenzi! felt like that needed to be loud.

    So I took my Pollygraph today. it was the scariest most intense thing I've ever done in my entire life. it wasn't something to get a job or court mandated, it was something to save my marriage and not lose my wife. all the stuff I learned today.
    -Pollygraphs are 95% to 98% accurate.
    -they will only answer broad general questions about your infidelity
    - if you're lying about anything in the broad question you will fail. ( so even though the tester doesn't know the details, you do and will get the question wrong)
    -they only ask 3 to 4 questions
    These were my questions
    Are you being honest in your recovery? YES
    Did you disclose everything about your affair in your disclosure letter? YES
    Were you aroused by the porn that you saw yesterday? NO
    Were you attracted to the women dressed as little red riding hood on your wedding day? NO
    the wording of the questions are a little different cause I don't remember them specifically, but that's pretty much it.
    I passed my Pollygraph test. I love my wife and I only want her. I have been honest, and told her everything.
     
  7. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    yeah.... no. I'm the one who decided to change my counter. I wasn't "badgered" I decided to reset my counter because I saw P.
     
  8. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I love this post and I think it’s wonderful. Kenzi is probably so happy right now!!!
     
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  9. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    you should go read her journal.
     
  10. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Yeah... I did. No so good... I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you two... maybe try another who will allow your own definitions?
     
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Just because one person doesn't like the results doesn't mean it's wrong. If the polygraph tester was mutually agreed upon and the questions were mutually agreed upon, then the results should stand. It just seems like Rock_Star is in a constant no-win situation.
     
  12. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    it doesn't sound like you understand betrayal trauma. my wife doesn't feel safe and the specificity of the questions are a big part of why she feels that way. she didn't get to have her closure and resolution with the polygraph. the reason I did the polygraph test in the first place was so she could have closure, not so I good have some kind of relief.
     
  13. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    Not impossible for a man to NOT be turned on by naked woman. I’ve met two kinds of men who aren’t. Gay friends & men friends who don’t conform to societal standards of “being turned on by a naked woman makes you a man”. And, no, its not one person in my circle of friends, it’s several.

    Side note: BOTH of those groups of men that I know find women attractive, despite NOT being turned on by them. Big difference in my opinion. Personally I can find a naked man and/or woman of any sexual orientation attractive but it is only my husband that turns me on. Sure, if it is a man and he’s straight, I may be tempted by his sexual appeal, but I am still not turned on because I also recall my vows, loyalty, companionship, and sexual attraction to my husband.

    And I get men and women are different but not that much. As is testament by the woman on here who struggle with P addiction.
     
  14. ItsNeverTooLate

    ItsNeverTooLate Fapstronaut

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    I agree. If they did they would offer you support without discrediting @Kenzi feelings and reaction, regardless of their own personal assumptions of your situation. Only you two know the whole real story.
     
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  15. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry it wasn't what either of you wanted. I want to give you kudos for your empathy in this process. It's really easy for an addict to focus on the selfish poor me side of "she didn't get what she wanted" if you know what I am saying. You're showing a lot of empathy and compassion from my perspective. I'm in (both of) your corner(s).

    Peace to you both,
    -Quinn
     
  16. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 33
    I had a hard day today. I'm not going to lie. I like that everyone thinks I handled the polygraph thing well but I don't think I did. kenzi and I had a pretty big fight about it and I ended up saying some really hurtful things to her before we got to a place where we were both ready to listen and except what the other was saying. I didn't, at first, understand why kenzi didn't like the polygraph. it took me till today to really understand. I felt like my feelings and what I was trying to express to her wasn't being understood. I get that I'm not suppose to be understood I'm suppose to be understanding, but you know sometimes it's just plain hard to get through all of your emotions when it feels like you're not being heard. that goes for both SOs and PAs in relationships. as a PA I know I messed up and I will own that 100% but if what I'm feeling and the pain I have isn't validated it hinders my ability to be empithetic and understanding. Usually I get this support and understanding from my therapist or close friend but this time it bubbled up and needed to be resolved between kenzi and myself. so after we got to a place where we both felt like we were being heard she asked me all her questions that she wanted answered at the polygraph. I answered her honestly and truthfully. I explained how, I understand that she has a right to ask as many questions as she wants but when I get asked to many questions to fast I get overwhelmed and then I get defensive. which puts her on edge because I use to get defensive when I was lying and not being honest with her. we are making progress and sometimes there are going to be some big bumps in the road, but if we can get past them together the road will smooth and the bumps will be less and less.
     
  17. TheMightyQuinn

    TheMightyQuinn Fapstronaut

    You're human and you're going through _a lot_ right now. I know it is easy for me to say but I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Think back to when you were a little kid, before all of the sh*t hit the fan for you. No one says to themselves when they are 5 years old "when I grow up, I want to be an addict.". Something happened, something you did not deserve. Now you're an adult and you have to own it. You're doing that to the best of your abilities as an imperfect and fallible person. Kudos to you for dealing with the sh*tty hand you were dealt. Most people don't.

    Peace,
    -Quinn
     
  18. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 34
    yesterday started out really good. kenzi and I talked and we resolved alot of our fights we were having. we spent the day together working around the house getting ready for the move. then we went to couples counseling. it was a really good session. kenzi and I were able to talk and communicate with each other. the therapist gave us some homework to do, which we are going to do sometime this week.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2018
  19. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 35
    After some unfortunate happenings, day 35 isn't looking very good. All I want is to be there for kenzi the way she needs me to be, but sometimes I can't. I think she's the sexiest most beautiful woman in the world. I wish I had never hurt her with the porn I use to watch. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could have conquered my addiction before I had met kenzi so that she wouldn't have had to have been drug through all of this. now she's hurting and feels defeated and it's all my fault. she wants to feel sexy and beautiful again and I took that away from her. I love her and only see her. all I want is for her to have her confidence back, to know that I only want her, and to know that I really do find her sexy and attractive. that I'm extremely attracted to her. sometimes I find myself just staring at her and she'll ask me what I'm looking at? I'll say she makes me so happy. I'm feeling happy because I'm thinking, you're my wife, my sexy beautiful makes me feel better than anything in the world wife. I love her so much.
     
  20. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 36
    so today I did something that's was really weird for me. kenzi and I talked and we came up with, actually she came up with i just agreed, with a plan/solution to some problems we are having. so I went on an adventure. it was difficult but I succeeded and now we both feel better about our future. all in all today was a good day. almost all done with the house. got a couple little things left to do and some final touches, and we should be all good to go.
     

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