MY OFFICIAL REBOOT( the beginning of the end )

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Rock_Star, Mar 31, 2018.

  1. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    I'm sure many of you know who I am and what I've done. Many of you fallow Kenzi and have been super supportive of her. She has help so many people and is the most caring person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. This is going to be my real reboot. The truth for everyone to see, I'm not hiding anymore. I've ruined my life and lost everything that I ever had cause I hid. I hid my feeling, my emotions, and worst of all I hid my affair.
    I had an affair with a cam girl. I went outside my marriage with Kenzi to be with this specific person. I went to her ( the cam girl) over and over again instead of realizing that the real person I really needed was right there, sometimes even in the next room. I lied to Kenzi about it for over 2 years. I buried it and hid it and thought if it I couldn' see it then it wasn't there. kenzi came up with a good anology to explain this behavior. I was like a pirate hoarding my treasure. I buried it and forgot where I put it. Intead of just handing it over and saying that this is what I have, I'm sorry I was keeping this. Take it I don't want this anymore. Kenzi found it and instead of telling her about it and saying I'm sorry I defending it. Again. I defended my behavior and what I did cause I was protecting my " treasure"
    I messed up and ruined everything, so this is my recovery. my true and honest recovery. I've said sorry too many times and now the words mean nothing.
    this is day 1
     
  2. MovingFoward86

    MovingFoward86 Fapstronaut

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    @Rock_Star
    It looks like you are in for a tough recovery. You are right in the statement that many know who you are and many have followed Kenzi's story. I do not know all the specifics of your situation but I like many others here are also trying desperately to regain the trust of our SO's. I started my first real reboot a little more than 2 months ago and have been successful so far. NoFap helped me a lot in the beginning. I read the storied from other PA's and realized I am not the only one going through. Reading how a PA's actions effect there SO has also been a real eye opener. I do not know how involved you have been in the past with NoFap but I hope you find the support you need during your recovery.
    I do hope you and Kenzi can begin the healing process. It is going to be a long road and there will be temptations trying to get you to stray from the right path. If you ever feel the need to reach out, just send me a message. These public posts can be helpful but every now and then you just wan't reach out to a friendly ear.
    I wish you and Kenzi the best of luck.
     
  3. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 2
    today was a good day. I'm continuing to stay with reading program I set for myself. kenzi and I talked last night and today. I think this is the first day in the last two weeks where we haven't fought. at this point I've decided more than anything I need to do this for me. I messed up big time and I need to prove to myself that I have integrity and can be the type of man I know I should be.
     
  4. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 3
    kenzi and I talked some more last night. it' nice to actually talk again, and not yell. the string of high emotions is hard to process through. I'm working on communicating what I want without hinting. I'm trying to tell her straight forward and upfront. when kenzi and I first started dated we were into each other. the honey moon period of our relationship lasted 8 months instead of the usual 30 to 90 days. I thought the fire between us would burn forever. I remember about 6 months into our relationship we were out with a couple friend and we were joking about how we never finished movies we started cause we were so distracted by each other. I took the passionate fire that was our relationship and buried it only leaving smoldering coals for kenzi to cling to. I put out our passion with my addiction. now I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. kenzi feels like because of my addiction I could never have really been in love with her. I couldn't have been because I couldn't give all of myself to her because I was still giving part of myself to my addiction. she has every right to feel that way. I don't want it to sound like I'm minimizing her emotions, and her reasoning is logical and sound. if I wasn't giving my whole self to her than how can I have truly been in love with her. I know I love her though and want her. I want to prove myself to her. how devoted a husband I can be. I want to fall in love with my wife all over again and give my whole self to her. her fear is that she doesn't know if she'll fall in love with me, or if she does give herself to me. give her love and affection once again that I won't love her that I'll just be using her to fulfill my own selfish needs for attention and affection and leave her clinging again to coals. I want to pore gas on those coal and ignite our passions for each other once again, but I know I can't. I know I need to tend to the coals. nurture them slowly adding more and more to them until our fire builds big and strong and sustainable.
     
  5. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I feel a lot like Kenzie... as an SO. How can he ever have loved me? Was he just using me for his gratification. I’m having a hard time feeling any physical passion toward him right now (almost 2 mo after DDay).. and we started so hot- we have said We were like fire and gasoline... passion lasted a long time.. but I have to wonder was I just his “acting out” part of his addiction? Then he moved on to find the next “hit”... if we are going to be together in the future, we will have to start from scratch... and I’m really worried I won’t be attracted to him. that I won’t love him like I used to... our song “All of me loves All of you” is completely tainted... everything is tainted... I can’t walk down the street without looking at women feeling I’m so glad I’m not with him so he doesn’t see this woman or that girl... I can’t imagine watching a show with a sex scene in it with him... and how can I spend time with him and my daughter with his given history. Life is upside down and for Kenzie too. Good luck to you, good luck to my husband. It’s going to take so much work and effort...
     
  6. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Also Rock Star- I’ve asked my husband to read your posts and Kenzi’s. If I find something in the future after the “full disclosure”... I will leave on the spot. No more lies!!!
     
  7. Torn

    Torn Fapstronaut

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    Good luck to both of you, @Rock_Star. Reading your and your wife’s posts definitely brings up my own feelings and fears. What you said about starting out passionately and burying that passion with your addiction, leaving smoldering coals for her to cling to... ouch. I can very much relate to this as an SO. I will ask my partner @RunningFree to read your new journal as I feel we can learn from this. I wish you so much success in conquering your addiction and finding peace with your wife, however that looks.
     
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2018
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  8. lauraS

    lauraS Fapstronaut

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    im really sorry things like this happened between you and kenzi, you sound sincere like you are truly sorry for what you did. i pray she will give you another chance, i think u deserve it.

    laura x
     
  9. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 4
    kenzi and I talked more last night. having these nightly conversations has been really nice. she had asked me a question the night before, " what are we doing, where do you see this going?" I had to really think about it. I mean it's not like we can just start over again with a clean slate. that would be ignoring everything that had happened and wouldn't be healthy. I'm trying to be open and honest, and pretending something didn't happen is not honest. the problem was that we couldn't continue from where we were. we had hit a wall and our relationship was over. I ruined it with my lies and my PA. so I thought and I thought, and what I came up with was I want to date my wife. I could have never fully loved her because of my addiction. she doesn't know who I am as sober person. so lets start a new relationship. I want to know kenzi, and I want her to know me. I want to fall in love truly and honestly. I am not assuming that she will fall in love with me, but I like her, and I'm extremely attacked to her. I warned her that if she does give me the chance to court her I come with a lot of baggage. she doesn' have to except it but she should know that I am a recovering PA, and I really messed up my last relationship because of it.
    so we went on a date last night. you know just something simple. we stayed in and watched a movie. she picked the movie. I'm working really hard on not being selfish. I want to get to know her and the things she like. while we were watching the movie I looked over and saw her. I just stared at her. I was seeing kenzi for the first time and I was in awe. she is so beautiful and gorgeous, and I was thinking to myself "how could I have taking her for granted. she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen and she is here sitting next to me. I am right now in this moment, the luckiest man in the world."
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
  10. lauraS

    lauraS Fapstronaut

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    sounds like you two are going to get on just fine, i really hope you two work it out; there is just so much at steak to throw it all away. laura x
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2018
  11. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 5
    kenzi and I sat down and had tea last night. we talked about random stuff for about an hour. like how to many smells bother us and how we don't like froo froo shops that sell alot of smelly things, like bath and body works. we talked about the kids and how big there getting and what we're going to do when they want to drive. kenzi also got an internship for
    a new job. she had known for about a week, but didn't tell me for obvious reasons. last night she shared her good news with me and i was so proud of her. this was the best thing ive heard this year. its amazing.

    after that we went to bed. I haven't mentioned this but right we're separated. I'm sleeping in the guest room. anyway, I kissed kenzi goodnight and then I started to cry. I felt a swell in my chest, like my heart was gently being pulled towards her. it felt warm and caring. at that moment I realized that this is how she felt every time she kissed me. this elated feeling of falling deeper into the one another and losing yourself in that kiss. I took that feeling away from her and my heart sank. I felt so hurt that I took that away from her. I hugged her and apologized. I knew my apology was too late but I am truly sorry for taking that feeling away from her.

    today we woke up and did our normal routine. we got the kids ready had breakfast and coffee. kenzi found this cute little Disney board game for our phones and we played that this morning too. then my mother came over to help with the kids and they all went off to some drs appointments. kenzi and I were talking on my way into work and she was telling me more about her new job, and I made some bad jokes which triggered her. she also brought up her soul speaking gift. it was a gift she gave me before our wedding that represented a pierce of her soul. anyway she mentioned it and I forgot what it was. she gave me a piece of herself and I couldn't even remember it. I feel so ashamed. thinking back on it I wasn't even present when she gave it to me. I kinda just brushed it off. made jokes about it. I was really unfair to her. It was a piece of her and I took it and just kinda said "oh neat" and put it somewhere to forget about. sometime I wish I had a time machine or even just a worm hole big enough to fit my arm through, so I can go back to certain moments in time and slap myself for being so uncaring.
     
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2018
  12. lauraS

    lauraS Fapstronaut

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    oh wow thats great rock_star, its true we cant change the past and im sure your incredibly sorry for your mistakes. but we can change the future / present. i believe every1 should be given a second chance. as long as you keep reminding your SO of the good times, she is sure to melt. and much respect for keeping us updated on your journal. laura x
     
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  13. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    if she is giving me another chance, this will be like my 100th one. she's givin me so many chance and I took them all for granted. I'm not sure I deserve another, but I'm going to do it right this time.
     
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  14. lauraS

    lauraS Fapstronaut

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    oh ok i didnt realise, i dont know the full history, i only know she mentioned something like you cheated with someone who looks just like her so tatts and a killer personality. to me this shows you really love her but you were projecting kenzi onto another girl, you just made a mistake because of your addictions. but you have such a long history together and 5 wonderful kids. i just sigh so much at what is at steak, space and time is always a good way to go. fingers crossed.
     
  15. lauraS

    lauraS Fapstronaut

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    also i just wanted to add, as we're being honest here. i honestly wanted to dry heave when you talked about wiping the slate clean and getting to know kenzi from scratch and date her again as if nothing happened --- and talk about stoking the coals to how it used to be. i mean, if that was genuine; then fair play, but what i got from that was a long standing history of emotionally manipulating women and a rather skillful one at that. you either know exactly how to push her buttons and you know she is caught between a rock and a hard place because of the financial obligations she has to her children, or your the most genuine guy ive ever met. also, i find it curious that people here like to discuss there relationship out in the open, maybe its a nofap thing, i dont know, but for me it would be something id only do with my other half - no one else needs to know.

    in the meantime i want to imagine the following scenario. imagine yourself 30 years from now alone in the nursing home about to breathe your last breath. your children are no where to be seen, because they dont trust you anymore, noone does. your thinking about the old times; the mistakes you made but its too late now to fix them.

    imagine yourself as you are today, go to an empty room and feel between your legs, if executed properly you should find two ball shaped objects there, give them a little squeeze to make sure they are in fact yours. at the minute youve been using them incorrectly, to sow your seed and distance yourself from your wife n your responsibilities, its never too late to start using them properly.

    the near death accident, is another wake up call, not that you havent had enough already, is it fate, has it awakened you? i dont know, i hope so because that is a special woman you got there. laura x
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2018
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  16. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Welcome, @Rock_Star, and I'm really happy to see you here. Not just for Kenzi, but for yourself, regardless of what happens with your marriage. I've been following her story for a while and been curious if you would make an appearance here. I hope you can find what you need here and that people will be supportive and not judge you for your past mistakes. We all have them. And I think if anyone here is too close to Kenzi to be able to be supportive of Rock_Star, they should probably just keep their distance and let him find what he needs here.

    It's a big step to admit your faults and to come here, especially given how much of your story many of us already know and might have strong opinions about, so I commend you for that. I do sincerely hope that you change and be the man she deserves and that your chikdren deserve. Best of luck on your journey!
     
  17. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 6
    So it's Thursday. Idk if you know this from kenzis journals but I have a problem with Thursdays. I usually always do something to mess up on Thursdays. so far I don't think I've done anything to really mess up.
    kenzi and I did get into it a little bit this morning though. she pointed out that I have a tendency to pick my family over her. I don't listen to what she has to say. she's right, i do assume things without talking to kenzi about it first.
    we also talked this afternoon. I had a thought and said "we should get you your fishing licence." she said "no." I said "why not i want to take you fishing." she said "if you want to take me fishing you should have asked to go fishing, not try to tell me what I should do."
    it took me a minute but I realized I am really bad at asking if she wants to go with me to do something, or actually asking her to go do stuff. I need to work on actually asking her instead of just saying you should do something.
     
  18. lauraS

    lauraS Fapstronaut

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    hiya, this thursday thing is just superstition. sure bad things 'seem' to happen on thursdays; but if you look back you could pick just about any other day and say a similar thing. logically you know that makes sense.

    it is always difficult with family, when i was in relationships i would always put mine first. i think thats natural. here's a tip when approaching subjects with your SO, instead of using 'we should' or 'lets do this' try to begin with, 'hey i was wondering if' or 'did you think', or 'does this sound like something you would be interested in?'

    just simply changing the way you choose your words can make a big diff to how others; not just your SO reacts to the question.

    wishing u all the best. laura x
     
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  19. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    That’s a solid reply, soft start up’s go along way and in the current situation (I know what Kenzi is going through) it is walking on egg shells to a degree but also an understandable one as this part of the grief cycle is going to be intense for especially for her, but both really.
    This roller coaster feels internally unbalanced and unbearable, at least it was for me.
    I had moments of intense rage and anger, then uncontrollable crying/anxiety to feeling mostly fine, sometimes multiple times in a day but it does subside over time. This maybe hard to believe but if she wasn’t angry or going through this cycle then that’s something to truly worry about.

    Check out the Gottman institute, you can buy their books and also read the blogs. They even great information on handling stresses with and around your kids.
     
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  20. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

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    DAY 7
    today I'm having a hard day. not with urges or wanting to PMO, just emotionally. kenzi is really upset with me about how I pick my family over her. I apologized and told her that I'm trying really hard to change. I know that she's upset because of me.
    I'm the kind of person who needs validation that what im doing is helping. I know I'm not going to get that validation from kenzi. I know she doesn't want to, i know i dont deserve it from her, but it is still hard for me. I feel deflated and worthless. like everything I'm working towards is for naught. I know that's not true. I know all I want is kenzi and to make her happy and knowing that I'm not is really killing me inside. so today is hard for me.
    I have to keep my eyes on the prize. I have to keep my head up and not give into my sadness and rejection. I have to because i can't quit on kenzi. its the one promise I've made that I've actually been able to keep. that I'm not going to quit. I'm not going to stop trying. I'm not giving up. I have messed up so many times, and I've learned alot from my mistakes. so today is going to be better. tomorrow is going to be better and I'm not going to quit. she's my kenzi and I want her. I know that sounds possessive, but I love her so much I really don't know what I would do with out her.
     

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