MY NEW LIFE

i am a normal guy aged 21 .
and would love to share my life story with you guys . the ups and the lows . how i faced this addiction, and how my life turned upside down. And how i overcame it.

{{ read after the ** line to know the struggles, the helplessness i faced . }}

{{ read after the dashed line if you want to just know how this p*rn addiction f**ked my life and how i am now 27 days into my streak after years of struggles }}



EDIT : Sorry if my english is a little off, it's not my native language.

I am currently pursuing my Bachelors in Computer Sciences from
a premier institution. I have keen interests in cosmos and astrology as well.
i, as a child , began playing cricket at the age of 10, formally ,
when i joined a cricket club near my home. I excelled at the sport and participated
in various matches and tournaments doing particularly good with the ball, though i loved batting more.

Due to me being good at academics too , i had to soon part ways with my childhood
love for cricket to focus more on the academics.
Years went by and i did great at most of the things that i tried my hand at, be it studies,
school sports, "being the cool kid in school " as many would like to describe.

The problem arised when i was around 13-14 ,the first time around when
i came across pornographic content. Even though , i was great at making friends
and had a lot of "girl" friends too , i slowly and slowly upped the consumption
of this content without knowing the disasters it would breed in my coming years of life.

As time passed by , i decided to take up maths and science in my senior school. Now this was a turning point.

Time for casual fun activities got lesser and lesser by the day. Some friends
chose different subjects for the senior school. We parted. Still a lot of my
friends were there and not to mention that i was great at making new friends very
quickly. But the course load grew and we started growing apart. It was like the
biggest barrier that was stopping the flood to enter my life, was broken then.

I joined classes for these courses and worked hard with my studies even more,
hoping to get in a great premier college after my school is over. During this time ,
i was regularly watching porn but never considered it as a problem. i had a lot of
friends. Earlier we had fun, studies were light and we all had a lot of time for various
other things. But after i started my senior school , things changed.

I worked hard. Made by daily study routines. Made a lot of promises to myself.
Schedules and plans were my daily thing. Worked real hard. But the one thing
that i didn't realize was the fact that i was increasing
the consumption of this porn content way fast. i felt it is just normal and nothing wrong.

{{ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ }}

AND soon this po*n addiction was to flood my life.

I realized that this porn thing was a serious problem when i was in my final
year at school . For my exams , i thought i would not waste my time on porn and all ,
and so i cut it down entirely. It was not more than a
few days that i went back to watching it.
Okay. I felt that this is just a habit that i have formed and i gotta change it .
Tried and tried and tried and i at last realized that what the heck i have
gotten myself into. It was an addiction . Due to the amount
of time i was spending alone studying , the only way i was having fun was through it.
Having chats and gossips with friends, going out
to play football or cricket , going for a visit to meet relatives soon got cut
down to very less and the only thing that filled in this
gap was porn . My life took the backseat and porn was driving it.

Somehow , resisting and fighting with my new addiction, i worked hard and
finally got accepted by a premier institution for computer science bachelors.
I was happy but i was very sad too. i knew i had lost a
battle with this addiction. i finally decided, around 2016 that as soon as i enter college,
i will quit this addiction i had developed .


And till 18 June , 2019 i could never quit.
I tried time and again, finally to relapse back again. One may feel that i am exaggerating
in the next paragraph where i will , with all truth , state the problems i faced.

{{ ******************************************************************************* }}

I was low on confidence . Could not even talk to girls or guys with looking
them in the eyes. Felt frustated , angry at little things. Sometimes i was
cheerful and somedays i was low. i started binging.
From youtube videos, to movies, to games, to porn. At the very bottom of my
addiction i masturbated 8-9 times a day.

It was inhuman. It was forced. And i was a slave to my mind. My own hormones.
My own body was crying for help and i felt it deep inside me.
Sinking academic performances, inability to make great friends in college, not taking
part in college events , not taking up any projects ,
it became a regular thing. I was depressed too, somedays. I was a failure. i considered myself one.
i lost everytime. To myself.To my mind. To my addiction. Genre to genre, day by day, i was getting deeper in this addiction.

And i felt helpless.

Frustation, low self esteem, frustation, losing to myself , depression, lack of motivation
to do anything, lack of praise for anything, lack of feelings ,
i was soon turning into a lifeless guy. I felt like dying.
Though i never really acted towards it but there were days
i would feel hopeless and cry. It was as if i was stuck in this
endless cycles of - addiction , NOFAP , relapsing . LOOP .

I just wanted to end it, once and for all.

I had dreams. i too wanted a bright future that now seemed bleak and dark.
I had goals . I loved and laughed , but it no longer felt natural . Some days,
i would start a challenge to quit it but at most 30 or 35 days
and i would relapse and got myself even deeper into this sh*t. And there was nothing
i could do but cry . And i had no one. To share this with.
No shoulder to cry on. No one to share it with. I felt alone.

Now i have finally decided to quit porn. quit masturbation .
The latter for atleast 3-4 months but porn , entirely. FOR MY WHOLE LIFE. ENTIRELY.

The first thing i did was to define it for myself. Earlier my brain would fool me , that it is just
a beautiful girl pic, or it is just some sensual audio and not really p**n and soon , just few days
after i would relapse. So , i defined p**n for myself .

- ANYTHING THAT IS DIGITAL AND USED FOR SENSUAL AND SEXUAL PURPOSES IS A P*RN.

Isn't it unnatural to have sex with some random RGB pixels on a digital screen ,i wonder this rightnow as i write .

i know i wasted some very very crucial years of my teenage life where
i could have been so much more. i could have done so much more.
i could have acheived my dreams and aspirations. But i wont regret now. Instead i will correct my mistakes.

Trust me , semen is a very essential and energised thing and can be put to great uses in the body which will soon start reflecting in daily life too.

Apart from it, wasting my life away like this is not my dream at all.
I want to take entire control of my life. Of my mind. Of my body.
Of my hormones. Of my thoughts. Of Myself.

Hormones will soon get stabilised. Mind will cut down its clutter.
It will soon all be subtle and one will soon be able to enjoy everything. ENJOY LIFE.

The day - 19 June , 2019 thus became my second birthday , a rebirth for me, i say.

EDIT : now , i am currently on day 27 and don't plan to quit it anytime soon. i am enjoying it . i love it. i feel proud of myself. i feel confident, positive .