My name is....and I'm a porn addict

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Badvock, May 1, 2019.

  1. Badvock

    Badvock Fapstronaut

    A few years back I remember watching the Terry Crews video on youtube when he admitted to his viewers that he had had a destructive relationship with porn, at the time I shrugged it off believing that it wasn't that he was addicted he just had a high sex drive. Little did I know than that I was actually deep inside my own addiction to porn without the necessary tools to recognise the destructive path that I was on, a path that led me down more extreme areas to satiate my addiction.

    I think I've been an addict for over 8 years...it's hard to tell really everything swims out of focus when I consider the times I've deleted my stash only to months later re-kindle my addiction. Telling myself that it was ok as it was just porn....everyone watches it right? I know my mates do and they are ok (or are they?) I'm 47 have a very loving wife who I love more than anything in this world save for our two boys who could not make me more proud and yet here I sit in a hotel room writing on a forum about how my self destructive addiction has wrought that apart and potentially destroyed everything I love dear.

    For years i've had something of a destructive nature when it comes to relationships, I was a bit of a lad in my younger days, we'd go out in town to the clubs at the weekend and I would be very disappointed if I didn't get any action, I didn't realise at the time that I was treating women as some sort of commodity rather than a person, they wanted a relationship....I was just in it for the sex. I would get sullen and angry if I didn't get the sexual gratification i needed and and could use my words to get my own way often to detrimental effect to the relationship, I laughingly put this behaviour to the being a Scorpio and everything says they are highly charged and sexual (i.e. bollocks). I threw away many a good person who cared for me over the years all for the conquest of more sex. I met my wife 15 years ago at the height of my 'conquest phase' we met on the internet as it was back then somewhat new and more productive (and cheaper) than clubbing, after a year or two i was getting bored again, looking for the next thing.....so like the massive arsehole I was back then I dumped her....on New Years eve....so I could go into town and see what I could get. Of all the things i've done up till now I still feel shame at that. Thankfully due to her love for me she didn't give up and she wore me down and got me back. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, it changed me when I actually realised what I had thrown away and I realised that I had to change my ways and be a better person.

    It didn't last long We had two children in fairly quick succession she wanted two and wanted them to be close in age, I was a bit more for going slow but she got me drunk and had her way with me and that was that (it didn't take much) When my second son arrived I struggled badly with the early year and a half; I resented his impact on our life and whilst I never ever laid a hand on him I found myself getting more and more wound up and started feeling angry when it was my turn to care for him. I'm happy to say that those feelings soon subsided and my sons are growing into bright, intelligent and happy children with a loving home with at least one parent who doesn't harbour a dark secret.

    Soon after the boys arrived the sex dropped off, my wife lost interest in any intimacy to the level that i wanted and when we did have sex that was all it was...sex...there was little or no intimacy to the lovemaking. She then started with endometriosis like symptoms for many years and the sex was restricted to maybe twice a month, and whilst I deeply sympathised with her pain the demon inside me started to resent the fact that we were having little sex. I'd lay awake in bed having hinted at my desire earlier in the day waiting for her to instigate something but she seldom did, and arguments were had, I would sleep on the couch out of frustration or more likely seek out porn to ease the stress. She caught me once, at 3am masturbating at my computer she was half asleep but new what i was doing, i'm sure she already knew I watched porn....just maybe not how much. We didn't really speak properly for 3 days after that neither of us really knowing how to broach the subject, when we did she said it was ok and she was fine with it as long as I didn't watch 'live' porn which I never did anyway. Well that was like a red rag to a bull, I worked from home and she worked in an office and the boys were both at school all day so you can imagine. I need to make it clear that I'm in no way blaming my wife for my addiction, my problem is in no way her fault, the choices I make are mine and mine alone and I live and die by those decisions.

    By this point I was masturbating anywhere between 3 and 5 times a day...sometimes so often that I would 'damage' myself but the desire for more and more 'high' meant I would not stop, I would spend my time downstairs wondering how soon I could get upstairs to get my next fix, i would masturbate with my kids in the next room playing or my wife in the bath....the risks became more and more. And so did the porn....as my addiction grew and grew I found it harder to get the gratification from the porn I was watching on the regular sites. I started to visit more extreme sites, amateur sites, SnM ( I drew the line at bestiality though that really does nothing for me) and I kept looking for new things to get me off. Of course to do this meant I'd spend a good 2 hours at the start if the working day masturbating instead of working, and of course neglecting my family life and my wife seeking to spend more time in my office than I did with her.

    Since this all came to light my life has been torn apart, I realise that for so long I had been lying to myself and those around me about the destruction that porn was having on my mental health and my family Since Monday when my life really started to fall apart I have begun to reach out to people and organisations to get real help in addressing my addiction and my problem. There is a sexaholics meeting not too far from where I live this weekend i'm going to try to get to one of those, I did call them and asked for a callback but nothing yet. On the one hand I am filled with regret that this has come to pass but that is the guilt talking, the other side of me is glad that I have been forced to face up to my addiction and admit not only to myself but to others that my problem is real and needs to be addressed.

    It's been three days since this all came to a head, my sex drive has taken a swift downturn and being away from home and my family means my access to porn would be easier but in truth i have no desire at this point to go looking. my self esteem is at rock bottom and the shame I feel for putting my wife through this hell is weighing on me greatly. I know she loves me but i'm not sure she can ever forgive me for lying to her so much about my addiction, I will see her on Saturday but I don't know how well that will go, I feel positive in my drive to beat my addiction and address the problems it has created in my life, I just don't know how others will view the things I have done and the mess I have got myself into as a result.

    Sorry for the long story, I felt it best to be as honest as i can be about my life, if I can't be honest about it i guess i'm on a hiding to nothing. I'm sure its a story well told and nothing new but I hope i'm now heading in the right direction but if anyone has any further advice I would be very grateful.

    Thanks for reading.
    [​IMG]
     
    Cheffe Effe, Landers98 and 19conquer like this.
  2. Freddiefox

    Freddiefox Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your story.
     
  3. V4x

    V4x Fapstronaut

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    reading your story i can see that porn can mess up with anyone.. i'm 26 old and i have been addicted since 11 years old, i don't have much experience to give you any advice but i'm glad that you could see and admit to yourself the problem and seek for help. don't give up you can do this
     
  4. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

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    You have come to the right place, if anything can help cure this curse it’s Nofap and the support you’ll find here. For me the hard mode (no porn, masturbation or orgasm) for 90 days is what I’m hoping will do it, I’m past two thirds of that goal and feeling good. Give it a try, you’ve nothing to lose and everything to gain. Admitting the issue is half the battle, all the best to you.
     
    19conquer likes this.
  5. M.S.H.

    M.S.H. Fapstronaut

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    Hello and welcome!

    Not at all, long posts are welcome as well as short ones. After all, this is a place where such stuff is meant to be shared.

    My advice would be that there would be times when you'd feel like giving it up, and taking the easy way with your addiction, and it's important not to give in to that feeling.

    So, have faith in your plan and stick to it, and pretty soon, you will get a good streak going.

    Best wishes
    MSH
     
  6. Badvock

    Badvock Fapstronaut

    Hi all. Thanks for the replies and support. Im doing my best to feel positive right now but it's difficult to lift myself off the floor. I've thrown myself into my work for now in an effort to keep my mind off the subject but tomorrow i have to head home and look my wife in the eye and tell her everything. I can't say im relishing that prospect at all even though I'm missing her and my boys so very much right now. I've had a text from SA this morning so hoping that's another Avenue to explore.
    For the first time in days i managed an uninterrupted sleep though i woke up mildly aroused I did not take any advantage and just rolled over and thought about something else.
     
    Thistimeitsfinal likes this.
  7. mh232

    mh232 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing your story.
     
  8. drwedge

    drwedge Fapstronaut

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    Welcome and thanks for sharing. I've only just decided to tackle my addiction as well and came upon the forum yesterday afternoon. So I don't really have any words of wisdom, other than you're not alone. We've got this :emoji_muscle: - just one step at a time.
     
  9. Badvock

    Badvock Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for your kind words, it's good to know that there are people out there with their own demons that they are conquering.
    I manages to speak to a guy from SA today and it felt real good to speak to someone who could understand the problems, I get the feeling that moving forward I will be met with a lot of scepticism as to the reality of this addiction For now though the healing journey begins, at the weekend I hope to take in my first SA meeting and to come clean to my wife about everything. I'm under no illusions that it's going to be in any way easy, but all great journeys begin with a single step as they say, I just hope that this is mine.
     
  10. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

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    Good luck with the meeting, wishing you strength for that!
     
  11. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Great hearing your story. You mentioned “damaging yourself” what did you mean by that?

    Also thanks for debunking the Scorpio sex legend for me, while I don’t believe in astrology I have had my doubts.

    I dont know your time zone but would appreciate the chance to encourage you. I’ve just joined but before this I was an expert at trying to quit but failing and then deciding it was impossible. Glad to finally have the support I guess I always needed. Your self respect and esteem can be rebuilt; even your marriage can be. Focus on what you can do to strengthen your mind friend. The good thing is that this battle is fought and won using decisions. To control the body , we must first address our minds.

    Take it one day at a time, pace yourself.
     
  12. Badvock

    Badvock Fapstronaut

    It got to the point where I was masturbating anywhere between 3-5 times daily, that takes its toll on things, on more than one occasion i had skin abrasions due to the amount of times i was taking a hit, and despite feeling pain it would not stop me using.

    As I start my journey I am having flashbacks of all the times I was warned about my addiction but either didn't see or chose to ignore the signs, accidentally pasting a porn link to a fairly 'specialist' site to my wife's messenger, her catching me at 3am in front of my pc, the damage i did to myself.......it's a growing list that will no doubt keep coming.

    I'm in the UK but honestly appreciate any encouragement, at the start of the week I was feeling confident in my own ability to kick the habit but this morning found myself subconsciously reaching down there.....I pulled away when the realisation of what I was doing hit me and nothing happened but the simple fact that I didn't initially think about what i was doing scared the sh!t out of me......It looks like I need all the help I can get.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  13. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Perfect mate. Yeah I have been there. I have tried using fear to control my desires, drive, and lust.

    It doesn’t work.

    Trying to scare yourself or control yourself through fear fails everytime. We are made to be creatures of love, habit, reasoning. We can overcome our base natures but only through small steps of one choice.

    I came here not because I wanted to quit but because I wanted control over this habit. In the process of being here I was convicted that I was an addict and that I needed to quit.

    I was a real addict ; denying I had a problem, and rejecting the obvious solutions.

    You take your time; be honest you will see.
     
    Badvock likes this.
  14. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    A very brave and honest post. You have identified the issue and made a start.
    Time to gain the skills you need to move forward, and I find it helpful to read Success Stories for tips and inspiration. You are not alone..
     
    Badvock likes this.
  15. Badvock

    Badvock Fapstronaut

    Thank you all, your kind words are a source of comfort. I think if i'm going to do this i need a journal so I'm going to start one now and hopefully my journey to recovery can continue.
     
    FX-05 and SirErnest like this.
  16. bikinhappy

    bikinhappy Fapstronaut

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    Hey Badvock, as long as the breath still coming out from your nose, it means that you still have a chance to live a better life.
    Stay positive man!! We are with you!
     
  17. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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  18. Landers98

    Landers98 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to NoFap @Badvock! Have you heard about Covenant Eyes? It has greatly helped me in this journey for freedom from PMO. I would recommend keeping a picture of your family or three pictures (one for each of them) under your pillow and in various places that you feel most tempted, such as in front of the computer and in the bathroom. These can be great reminders when you feel most tempted.
     
  19. thanks a lot for writing your experience of porn addiction and masturbation, i am 23 now , i stated to fap at 14-15 age and was addicted to it at such a level that i will not sleep without faping , during the bath time i used to do it once , on an average about 3-4 time per day , i lacked motivation to do any other thing in life fapping and porn was my hobby , after years of addiction i realized it is destroying me physically , mentally and spritually , with out realizing it as a problem at your age my story could have been similar to that of yours , but reading about the troubles u are having in your late 40s , i will never ever masturbate or watch porn
    thanks a lot
     
    Landers98 and Badvock like this.
  20. bikinhappy

    bikinhappy Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing the story, I can relate about lack motivation.
    I'm currently trying to find ways to make my motivation high again, due to last reboot.
    Let's do this together as community :)
     
    Deleted Account likes this.

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