My lonely Reality

I relapsed last monday and binged on it for the rest of week. I felt so unmotivated, aggravated and disgusted with myself after as you could imagine . Not just because I relapsed but because a month ago before I started this reboot I actually met someone on a sex chat that I loved talking to. Aside from the sexual talk we would just talk normally and have a great time. We came to the agreement that we had to stop this fantasy though and go out and face reality, which we were absolutely right about doing. It was just a big escape from reality and a big tease to each other. We had a very long and heartfelt good bye and although It was sad I was happy too because I felt closure ...like I could finally put all the porn and cyber stimulation behind me now and face real life whole heartedly. I even had a dream That I meet this girl in real life some day and we ended up together forreal (corny I know). We both moved on. I was doing good and felt like I really left it all behind me, really moving on with my life but last week a random urge overcame me and I wasn't strong enough to resist it. I relapsed to porn and worst of all WENT BACK to the sex chat site LOOKING for this girl I had agreed to depart with a month earlier. Of course she wasn't there (shamefully will admit I waited hours for her) we both agreed we wouldn't go back to that place so it was no surprise, but I was so desperate that I was hopeful she would come back but knew deep down that she wouldn't and I didn't want her to . This made me feel pathetic and weak. I was even saying outloud "what the hell is wrong with me? WHY AM I HERE AGAIN? This is pathetic, I'm so damn pathetic, I'm such a loser, I'm so weak". I gave up waiting for her and tried moving on again starting my reboot last friday. During the weekend, with no distractions being used to escape my feelings nd sitting alone It became painfully obvious to me how lonely I truly was as I sat alone It made me come to terms with this realization. That realization was too much for me and It hurt...the reality hurt... so I relapsed back to the chat yesterday..of course looking for her. So pathetic....I know ... I know she'd be disappointed in me if she knew this It was so weak of me.. Anyways just felt like venting this out. This isn't a cry for help, self pity or anything like that. I know this is entirely my fault no one else is to blame but myself but sometimes you've just got to write down what you're thinking. I'm rebooting again now and trying to move on. It'll be hard but I can do it. If you read this entire thing thanks, and make sure to not make the same mistakes I did here. Loneliness can be a dangerous thing if not managed correctly. It has probably been the cause of my addiction all along and as you can see I'm still really struggling with it, but now I'm aware of it and taking steps to cope with it in HEALTHY WAYS.
It's better to endure the harsh reality than to cope with it with more self defeating behavior. Don't watch porn because your lonely. It'll just make it worse. Face it and go through the pain so you come out stronger and better. I need to focus on myself. I need to be happy and be happy with myself even if it's hard. I'll find content and be happy again soon I know it. I've just got to endure it and keep moving on because that's life for ya. Thanks for listening guys the nofap community is one of the best out there.

 

Yeah it was definitely hard but we knew we had to move on. I mean we were both there for a reason because we both didn't have that intimate connection in our real lives. So saying good bye to each other was like our way of saying good bye to this fake intimacy. It's fine though, I actually don't regret relapsing and meeting her because it taught me alot. Lessons that'll help me from relapsing in the future and deal with my emotions in a better way. It must have taken a lot of strength from you to be able to go through this same thing. Especially when you're addicted, it's hard, so I truly commend you for that . Thank you for the kind words.

 

Thanks, it would really suck if my parents met that way :/ good thing there weren't any sex chats back then....I'm from Boston.