My life :)

Well ... Hi.
My motherlanguage is not english, so i apologize for the grammatical errors and the misspellinsg.
I just want to write down some lines of Life.

I'm 21 and I'm living in Hamburg, Germany.
When i was 13 i had my first "girlfriend". We just kissed each other, but didnt have sex of cause. It also just held up for like 2 weeks. So nothing real, just a "Kindergarten-relationship".
A few months after, i notized that im interessted in boys too. First I thought it would be a phase or stage of exploring which will end soon. But it didnt. The older I became, the less I was interessted in girls. Which was a real struggle in my head. Moreover i wasnt ready, like all others, for a relationship. I have been pretty good school and i looked that way. Pretty nerdy.
So almost everyone got their girlsfriends beside me. On one hand i wasnt realy interested in a relationship, on the other hand i was quite horny. I already mastrubated in that age.
When i was arround 16 my interests for school sank pretty fast to zero.
The secondary school (? middle school) ended, i began an 3yrs-apprenticeship as warehouse-logistic-dude.
I didnt have that many friends in that time. Actually just one. We went to open air parties and started activily smoking weed. When i was arround 17 we spend every weekend at his flat, smoking, watching tv and so on. I kinda fell in love with him... but he wasnt into me at all. I never told him. He just liked girls. Soon after he got his first "real" girlfriend, one to have sex with. I didnt want it to be real, but i was some kind of addicted to him. Seeing him with a girl, made me sad and happy to see him being happy. I didnt want to ruin something, we were friends. So the sadness won.
I fell into a kind of depression, not only because of that, but this situation just gave me the rest. I didnt want to see him anymore. I have been alone. Working everyday from 9.00-18.00. My life just felt empty, pointless and over. For 2 years i didnt speak to barly anyone outside of my job. I started to harm my self, to release the pain (I realy dont recommend it, but it realy helped for a few seconds). I felt so ugly and abnormal. Of cause my old friend asked me to hang out with him, but most of the times i just felt not being worth it. He found new friends so i became uninteresting for him anyway. We saw us like 5-7x in these 2 years.
A few months before my apprenticeship ended, we met to hang out again.
I drunk alot of alcohol, which i normaly dont do. We were alone. At one point i wasnt able to hold my thoughts back. I started crying for hours. I still didnt make it to tell him that im gay. I was pulling my own hair. Something inside wanted to tell him, but something else prevented it. It was a fight in my head. At least I "told" him about my depression. That i dont want to live on this shitworld anymore. He tried to calm me down, which didnt work that well.
Next time, dumb as I am, we drunk again aaaaand i started crying again. Not that hard as last time, but still.
After this weekend, i felt so much better. It was unbelivable how much talking about it, can change.
After my apprenticeship ended, i changed the company where i met some new friends.
At that time I was 19 or 20, too lazy to calculate.
These new friends gave me a great time, not only because i had a few more friends, we also had a ton of drugs. Mainly mdma (ecstasy), Mushrooms, weed and speed. I never tried LSD because i was affraid that my depression will show up again. It wasnt gone completly.
First we went to a few parties, later we just chilled out at one friends flat from friday-sunday evening. Every weekend. No sleep before sunday. For like a Year. A realy great time, but i noticed how i became to the love of mdma. Mdma just fullfilled the missing part. I still didnt have boyfriend or any kind of love. Mdma gave me love. A lot of it. Whenever i wanted it. For people who know it; at the end of that time, i took about 250mg to start off and about 2-3g at the complete weekend. I just had such a huge tolerance.
In that time i met another friend, who is still "at my side". He wasnt into mdma at all. He is just smoking pod.
After he appealed to my conscience alot, i stopped taking mdma and drugs in general.
It was easier that expected. I just stopped. I missed the love and i felt quite lonly in the first weeks, but nothing extreme.
In the past year i took mdma 2 times, to have a great party, not to fill a missing part of my life.
And now, here i am. Trying nofap, so i might become a bit a more selfconfident.
Next weekend im planing on going to a menbar, i might meet someone. who knows.

There is a lot of stuff that i didnt mention, like the constant feeling of being ugly and worthless. I'm sorry if it's confusing at some point, its 02.00 in the morning
Its my first time, writing down (some parts) of my life.
Thanks for reading all this shit.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯