My journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by odie, Jun 21, 2019.

  1. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Day 27.
    This weekend has been a whirlwind. Between seeing friends, having barbeques, grocery shopping, among other things it just flew right by.
    SO has been so on track with his actions. We have accountability software in place for phone and laptop use. He answers any question I have, no matter how badly he doesn't want to. He talks to me, and about a week ago he disclosed something to me without me prompting (it was something from the past). I am happy with his progress.
    Me? I am still working through my emotions. I find myself very thankful that SO is working so hard towards recovery. I also still get waves of anger that come in varying intensities as I remember things he's done. I will tell him when this anger hits. Every time he says something along the lines of: I told you about it because I'm being honest and working hard. You have every right to be angry. Just know I want this for me and for us. He isn't pushing me to move past it until I'm ready, which is reassuring.
    So today? We had a good day. Went to the beach and relaxed. He's working a night shift tonight so I have time to be alone and reflect (in the company of the dog). Forward progress.
     
    HeartBrokenAndScared likes this.
  2. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Today was busy. Summer camps are here and I have the joy of running around all day, playing games, and having fun with the kids registered.
    I looked at my phone for the first time today around 1:30. SO let me know that he had a dream about M. But he was managing his impulses. Very happy about the honesty (though it made me anxious, I won't lie).
    Got home, he allowed me to check his phone. I found that he had been looking at an Instagram profile of one of his friend's gf. Wasn't concerned until I found that she had nude photos posted above where he had scrolled to. (Just noting here that they weren't full frontal or anything - just back shots. He hasn't met this girl yet so he wouldn't have known about these photos.)
    Today I enforced a consequence to my boundary. Not because this girl had nude photos, but because SO didn't click away immediately when he saw them. He scrolled past and kept looking (there were 2 and none after them). I knew full well he had a difficult day urge-wise and his addict brain was justifying this by saying he didn't know the photos would be there. He couldn't have known. But he could have clicked away.
    So I enforced a consequence. It was extremely hard, but he understood. We talked it through.
    Little victories today: SO woke up with an urge, and left bed. He kept himself busy, cleaned the house, walked the dog. He didn't slip or relapse.
    One bad thing today: he violated a boundary.
    Me? I kicked my own ass at the gym today. I ate healthy today. I had a good work day. I am tired, and journaling. Now it's time to relax. Tomorrow is a new day.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  3. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    This week has been crazy busy (hence the lack of posting). Work is great. Summer camps are so fun to run and most of the kids are awesome. One kid drew me a picture today and three of the girls sang me happy birthday (I won't see them tomorrow, and my bday is Saturday). Working with kids can be so damn rewarding, when it doesn't completely tire you out lol.
    SO seems to be working hard at recovery. He continues to answer any question. We did have to go to a funeral for one of his family members yesterday. That was a hard day. I was worried the sad day might trigger him, but we did manage to have a lot of productive conversations about his recovery during the day. He has recently started a journal, discussing the start of his addiction to the present. He wanted me to read it yesterday, and I did. It was so difficult to read some of the stuff, but one line specifically jumped out at me. He said something along the lines of: we would have a fight and make up and I would go right back to it. Damn that made me feel like a fucking idiot. I told him that. He responded with "your regret for not leaving me is valid. I just hope that you can see this time I want recovery. I want this, and I want to be a better man for you."
    Wow. I have not seen this maturity from SO.. like ever.
    So I am processing. Living my life. Accountability is there, honesty is there (I think). We haven't regressed at this point. So I'm processing.
     
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  4. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    I hate him. How can he sleep soundly when I'm kept awake with the traumatic memory of him PMOing beside me while I slept? Knowing that it happened three times (so he says). I only woke up the last time. Knowing that he watched porn beside me while I slept without M'ing countless times before that (so he says). I can't sleep tonight. I think moving to the couch will give me peace tonight.
     
  5. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Wow I was anxious as hell last night. No reason for it. Just had a flashback to D-day and I could not sleep. I still have anger inside of me.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  6. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    SO looked at a psub yesterday. On my birthday. The day of his mom's wedding. He didn't PMO or progress after that. But I am fucking furious. He crossed one of my boundaries. He gets to live with the consequence. Eating dinner alone and sleeping on the couch for the next few weeks.
    On another note, he did make the decision to delete his FB account and get rid of instagram until September as his own consequences. Working to be able to use the internet/social media responsibly. That was his idea.
    Still pissed.
    My birthday weekend is ruined.
    Fucking hell.
     
  7. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Journaling twice today because I am struggling. SO looked at a girl on Instagram in bikini pictures yesterday. Scrolled down her feed. Didn't tell me on his own. Knew the accountability software would let me know.
    I handed him back my engagement ring. I am not wearing it anymore.
    I'm at the end of my line here.
    I will give it until December to see a change. A real change.
    I can't do this anymore.
     
  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like a firm boundary. Stick to it. Good job.
     
    odie likes this.
  9. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. It is a firm boundary. He accepted it and the consequence. But I am struggling. I feel like I'm falling out of love every time he pushes a boundary. I gave him the list a little over a week ago and he's crossed it twice. No PMO relapse or anything, but psub viewing. Idk. I just feel broken.
     
  10. Not criticizing or being difficult.

    Its a process for him to learn as he goes and he has just begun. My greatest hurdle for my recovery was trying to fix too much too fast and be perfect for me and my wife and kids.

    I do not make excuses for him, my heart goes out to you in prayer for peace and strength, but try to see the progress he is making as forward progress. My APs and supporters always remind me that you can only be responsible for progress not perfection.

    This will be a long road for him and you if you choose to stay the course, remember we are here for you.
     
    Lostneverland and odie like this.
  11. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    It's funny you say that. We actually did talk about how he tried to fix everything too fast and realized he can't do that as well. I knew recovery and healing would be hard, but he didn't think it would. Thank you for the reminder. I just need to take a step back sometimes.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  12. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    It's like cheering on the Special Olympics.
     
  13. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I have tried writing you and deleted my draft several times. Honestly I might delete this comment if it makes you upset. Just say the word— and presto I will delete.

    Posting in this board is not meant to be impersonal but it can feel that way often times. Okay so I have some questions for you:

    ************

    Would you say stiff consequences that are intended to encourage your SO is or is not working?

    How many days/weeks did you plan to try a tactic before Considering a change ?

    If the best entity to police your SO’s browsing habits is a restored conscience, do you feel that this is happening ?

    In your experience, does supervising his activities (in the way you have been) push him to be more empowered or to depend on you more?

    You are able to measure his failures using his web history—how about his
    successes?

    Can you see/tell when he resists an urge/ tantalizing twitter option?

    Do you find yourself encouraging him when you notice this ?

    You have a beautiful story i hope you continue to write it. For better or for worse:).
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  14. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    The stiff consequences are working for us. Our D-day was only a month ago. I need the boundaries in place to feel safe in my home. He needs them to feel supported. It's weird, but he wants them there to feel like I am supporting his recovery. It sets expectations for both of us and keeps both of us accountable.
    He isn't depending on me more, he still journals on his own and is taking his own steps (which I do realize, I usually only write the bad in this journal because I'm trying to process my emotions by writing).
    He removed all social media, on his own. This was his idea, not mine. I'm unsure if it'll work or just take the stimuli away during the time and fall right back into old habits once he feels he can go back. He never had twitter.
    As for urges, he's getting better at controling them, but he's right around the 32 day mark so they're getting stronger now. I hope he talks to someone about them but I am not monitoring his AP search or conversations so I wouldn't know.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  15. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    I don't know what you're getting at here but this is some offensive bullshit
     
  16. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I appreciate your response, I know we (recovering addicts) want stiff boundaries—- because we are used to living without any boundaries when we escape using pmo. Especially the religious or ascetic principled who aspire to be or already have perfectionist expectations of themselves .

    Boundaries (healthy) are our biggest challenge.

    The dark side is the coin is overcompensating for our guilt in an effort to stamp out lust.

    Hopefully this makes sense : I’m saying an addict needs to learn to love himself even when he fails—- not hate himself for his failure—- hate breeds shame and often a return to the addiction.

    Of course you can Hate the action, but you can unpack it too. I like the expression of his emotions are like a chest bomb... unless he is uncovering his triggers and unpacking the circumstances wherein he turns to pmo, replace those with new alternatives—- he’s likely to get stuck in the limbic mode.
     
    odie likes this.
  17. odie

    odie Fapstronaut

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    What you're saying does make sense. Thank you for your perspective. I actually showed this response to my SO in hopes that he would connect with what you're saying.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  18. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Sure. It’s not something that you recognize quickly —- but generally speaking, moving as an addict from destructive self hate to healthy self love is the best measurement of true healing.
     
    odie likes this.
  19. I agree that this should not be your responsibility to guide his recovery! Put that energy into yourself instead. Into healing the very real trauma this has caused you and the shattered dreams you must have over the future you have imagined. I think it's great you are still there, but I am in agreement for you to not be his AP. Let him seek those resources and in that act, he will start to gain your trust back. After all, if he says he wants to fix this, shouldn't you let him? It would help you to know his level of commitment and that these aren't just normal addict lies.
     
  20. I was just reading your story and I responded before I had read enough. You sound like such a loving and supportive person. I can relate to that. I always felt sorry for my partner and that if I loved him more it would help. It has not up to this point. Three years of the same stuff over and over. I hope he appreciates how much you are doing for the relationship and to help him.
     
    need4realchg likes this.

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