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My journey with loneliness

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Cuddywater, Nov 16, 2017.

  1. Cuddywater

    Cuddywater Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone

    First off a little introduction: I've been on nofap for about two years, failed and succeeded countless number of times and am currently on day 27 of the cureent streak. the longest streak i have achieved is 80days and it was life changing. the one thing that has constantly changed throughout this entire process has been my shift away from loneliness.

    A lot of the people on this forum suffer from loneliness, wether it be newfound thanks to nofap or the've known it all along. i see posts everyday of people trying to cope with it. My journey through the nofap challenge has taught me one thing- loneliness is self inflicted. it isnt something that happens to you. It's something that u have brought about yourself. By being disconnected with society at large, fappin away to your computer screen, by not noticing that girl smiling at you because you're to ashamed of yourself(through the constant use of porn tis does happen) to look at people. All the reasons you fap to are responsible for your loneliness, not the other way around.

    The solution is so simple. Feeling lonely? Start by connecting with those two people who love you unconditionally - your parents. Learn to appreciate them for who they are and learn to love them again. If you cant get yourself to love people who love you unconditionally how do u expect to find a soulmate. Learn to spend time with them and understand them rather than giving that priority to a computer or your mobile. get those vibes going first. youll feel a lot safer and happier. After dealing with low self-esteem, loneliness and depression for a long time this is how i started. Instead of cutting my mom off mid convo by focusing on my mobile i would sit and talk to her, listen to her suddenly open up about how much fun i was as a child, or how theyd tease me etc.
    within no time i was comfortable being around them. unlike when i was a pmo addict, i wouldnt get irritated at them for caring about me. i would thank them for their concern and reciprocate no matter how awkward it felt to me.
    with time this behaviour kinda just carried forward to all those acquaintances i had albeit over the phone. id make an effort to keep in touch with them. even if it was just over birthdays and anniversaries. slowly this led to meeting people for lunch or coffee, then it became meeting my 'friends' for drinks and with time i can say i finally met my Girlfriend.
    the point im tryin to make here is that to really weed out loneliness takes time. it aint gonna happen within a year and friends arent just gonna pop up in your life just because you are doing nofap. It takes effort. if all you want is sex go to a prostitute. but if you want to be with someone who will make you happy develop yourself first. learn to genuinely connect with people and empathise with them. empathy- thats what most pmo addicts dont have.
    on that note im going to conclude this post by saying your destiny lies in oyur own hands. stop complaining start working. If you happen to consider yourself that guy whos super unlucky and has noone, start by smiling at everyone and sayin hi. trust me itll help you go a long way.
     
  2. brod2018

    brod2018 Fapstronaut

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    Really wise words, gonna call my mom right now
     
  3. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

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    This might not be true for everyone.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Cuddywater

    Cuddywater Fapstronaut

    Do tell more..
     
  5. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

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    I mean by this that not all parents love their children unconditionally. A lot of parents 'love' their children only under certain circumstances, when they fulfill their expectations.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. I don't think so. My parents were very abusive (physical, emotional, sexually shaming, alcoholism, daily violence, no physical affection) and they are the last people I'd talk to about my personal problems. They never appreciated me when I was a young innocent child and so today I have no feelings for them. I don't hate them and I still talk to them and visit occasionally, but that doesn't mean I want a close personal relationship with them like most children have.
     
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  7. Cuddywater

    Cuddywater Fapstronaut

    Your right, this can happen.... But like I said in the last paragraph, how about you just smile at people for a start. Then you can move to hi's and hello's and maybe from there on develop friendships slowly
     
  8. Cuddywater

    Cuddywater Fapstronaut

    Ub
    Understood
    So who then would u consider if you just had to connect with someone?
     
  9. Well, that's a problem isn't it? If I can't connect with my parents and I have no close friends or girlfriend, then who should I talk to? Unfortunately, I'm sure I'm not the only person in this situation. I usually just go for a long walk, meditate, read an inspirational book, or just do some mindless computer programming. I am an introvert so the urge to talk to someone in person is rather rare.

    It's true that I am alone, but I don't feel lonely. I had a terrible upbringing so I've learned since childhood that it is up to me to figure out how to solve my problems or die in the process. It's been like that since I can remember. When my parents were physically fighting each other in the next room I learned to tune them out and to pretend that everything was fine and normal. My mother would yell, my father would break stuff, but I kept my composure otherwise I'd get beaten for freaking out. I even studied under those conditions in high school and received high marks. When I left home at age 16, I had a studio with no furniture, I slept on the floor, and I ate Ramen noodles and I was very happy because I didn't have to live in hell anymore. I remember crying from the relief...

    When it comes down to it, it's really just my brain conditioning. I developed the habit of being alone for decades so in no way does it feel weird or awkward having no close friends nor relative to talk to. That's probably why I am able to do monk mode for long periods of time as well.
     
    Empty Red Cloud likes this.
  10. This hit me hard. I keep blaming others for moving on with their lives while I sat here, did nothing with my life, and pushed them further away. It is my fault. Thank you for this. It's about time I take responsibility for my life.
     
    K423 and Empty Red Cloud like this.
  11. Saurav04

    Saurav04 Fapstronaut

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    Great words, reading this was so calming. This is the first like I have given on this site. Before joining the site my best streak was 30 days. I felt so powerful not like a person who lifts tons of weight. But it was a kind of energy where I don't get tired and no one can annoy me at that time. Will surely try to get to 90 days thanks.
     
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  12. Such Small Hands

    Such Small Hands Fapstronaut

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    Stay strong. You can do this. Loneliness will pass once the road to redemption from addiction is sufficiently built. It's gonna be tough but hang in there.
     
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  13. Cuddywater

    Cuddywater Fapstronaut

    Well if u are alone but dont feel lonely, thats great i guess. Some people just want to be left alone, which i respect. i only intended to write this post for those who are not happy being that way. But one thing i will not agree with is, you are who you are. you can change. the brain can learn new things. you can teach yourself to be somebody different. to accept fate is to accept defeat. if you are looking to get better at something, it requires stepping out of your comfort zone and not saying this is how im wired therefore this is how i shall live. thats bullshit. i hope you see my point.
     
  14. K423

    K423 Fapstronaut

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    Copied and pasted this into a Word document for future reference. This was a really good post, Cuddywater, I can really relate to it. Thanks for sharing!
     
    Cuddywater likes this.
  15. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing. I hope that you will feel better a) as you continue to write and b) as you can see that there are others who have similar experiences, and we just work on it and encourage each other.

    In many things it can be said: This, too, shall pass. Sometimes, true clinical depression is a horrible weight that cannot be lifted without some efforts. The good news is I've watched many people recover with varying systems like exercise, medical help, relationship therapy, and so forth. Sometimes it takes on the order of years and not months, which isn't good news except that it did still happen that better times were discovered. I've had to recommend to people to just force yourself to smile to someone at the store today. Dredging up a little good from within can go a long way. And, it's difficult, but definitely it's always good to make efforts and stay aware of progress :)
     
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