My Journey to Recovery | Blog

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by Deleted Account, Aug 12, 2018.

  1. Day 0 - Saturday, August 11, 2018

    Today, at 7:00 am, I started NoFap.

    12 days ago on Monday, July 30, 2018 at 7:00 am, I relapsed.

    Prior to that, I had very strong urges. When I was on a trip to Ottawa, I began questioning my commitment to NoFap.

    I began to negotiate a relapse with myself. I decided that I would relapse and binge one final time, and consume as much porn as I could.

    And that’s what I did.

    I immediately regretted it and I fell into a deep depression.

    I decided that this was it and I would finally rise above this horrible addiction.

    So, for 12 days, I binged and consumed as much porn as I could.

    Now, I have finally broken free even though I’m still an addict.

    I plan to reboot for 120 days.

    I will reach Day 30 on Monday, September 10, 2018 at 7:00 am, Day 60 on Wednesday, October 10, 2018 at 7:00 am, Day 90 on Friday, November 9, 2018 at 7:00 am and Day 120 on Sunday, December 9, 2018 at 7:00 am.

    Once I reach Day 120, I will no longer consider myself an addict and I will make an exit plan for leaving NoFap.

    I’ve been trying to quit porn for years.

    I discovered porn at the age of 10. Since then, I’ve always felt terrible and guilty after watching porn and I’d make unsuccessful attempts to quit porn.

    In 2016, I discovered NoFap. I made some good progress.

    In 2017, over a year ago, I made it to Day 90. I thought that I was free of porn forever. But, I was in Amsterdam and I relapsed. Since then, I went down a downward spiral until I hit today.

    Now, I’m rising up again and this time I will stay up.

    I’ve learned many things during the binge.

    Firstly, I learned that the “one last time” excuse is overused and nothing will change. This was the last time. There will never be a relapse again.

    Secondly, I learned that I immediately regret the relapse. Immediately after I relapsed, I thought to myself “what the fuck have I just done?”. I immediately wished I could go back in time and undo what I just did. Unfortunately, I can’t do that.

    Thirdly, I porn isn’t actually fun. During my binge, I watched as much porn as I could but I still reviled it. I often didn’t want to watch porn but I forced myself to watch it.

    Immediately after my relapse, I immediately realized that I was stuck with it for 12 days.

    So, for this reboot, I will do many things.

    Firstly, I will build on and apply prior knowledge to my reboot. I’m quite experienced and I’ve learned many of the “tricks of the trade” of NoFap. I’ll think of prior attempts and use what I learned.

    Secondly, I’ll stay committed and I won’t question my commitment to staying clean.

    I’ve already made the decision to quit and I won’t break my promise. This will make NoFap easier since I won’t be trying to decide whether I should relapse or no since I already know the answer is NO!

    Thirdly, I’ll make my recovery legitimate by getting lots of activities done. I’ll also replace PMO with these activities.

    Fourthly, I’ll take this one day at a time. I can only focus on the day at hand and I can’t control tomorrow.

    Now, here are my rules. These rules are like my constitution.

    My first rule is no intentionally seeking anything artificial out for the purpose of arousal.

    My second rule is no intentionally touching my dick.

    My third rule is no intentionally indulging in fantasy.

    Since these are like amendments on a constitution, my brain is like my supreme court that decides what is constitutional or not. My brain will decide what these rules mean, what applies to them and what the exceptions are.

    I’m ready for the future. This is not a reboot where I see how far I can make it before I inevitably relapse, this is a pre-planned 120-day recovery where relapse is not an option.

    Also, today, I played piano and I went on a nice bike ride. I stopped for ice cream near the lake. In the evening, I had a cold shower.

    I’m also going to use ratings to rate my days.

    I will rate the day overall with a score of 0 to 10, with 10 meaning that the day was very good.

    I will also rate the urges of the day with a score of 0 to 10, with 10 meaning that the urges were the strongest possible.

    Overall, I give today a 7.5 and urges 0.5.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2018
    Frijelkyro likes this.
  2. Warden

    Warden Fapstronaut

    Looking forward to hear more from this. :)
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Day 1 - Sunday, August 12, 2018

    Today was very good.

    I practiced lots of piano. I have a piano exam coming up on Wednesday, August 22. It’s for my ARCT, which is like a getting bachelor and it’s with the Royal Conservatory from Toronto.

    I’m starting to get settled into NoFap. It takes time to get used to it.

    I started doing my NoFap research yesterday. What I mean by this is that I collect tons of notes and motivational images and save them. This helps motivate me and gets me more committed. I recommend it for all of you here!

    I plan to do that until Day 30, but I might need longer.

    I will need to do more than I did today, since I didn’t get much in.

    I also went biking and I had fun. I saw a new trail although it ended much sooner than I expected.

    I want to make this recovery more legitimate. One of the ways I can do it is by getting more involved here, so I plan to do lots of posting and giving advice.

    Anyways, now I’m taking this one day at a time. I will remind myself. Right now, although the thought of never PMOing again is a little daunting, being PMO for a day is easy. I will simply repeat that everyday. Eventually, the thought of never PMOing again won’t scare me at all! Hopefully, that’ll be soon! :)

    Overall, I give today a 6.5 and I give urges a 0.4.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 13, 2018
    Frijelkyro likes this.
  4. Day 2 - Monday, August 13, 2018

    Today was good again.

    Again, just like yesterday, I practiced piano and I went biking. I went for 37.6 km, while yesterday I went for 27.1 km and the day before, I went for 36.4 km.

    I have about 8 1/2 days until my piano exam. I will be increasing my effort and time I’m putting into my practicing.

    Also, exactly a year ago, I left for Europe. At that time, I had just finished a 90-day streak. Things were so good. I was so hopeful for the future. Then, in Europe, I relapsed. I still feel sadness thinking about this since I went into a downward spiral after that.

    I want to avenge that relapse and I can do that by making it past 90 days and never relapsing again.

    I’ll talk about this more in the future and analyze it so that I can learn from it.

    During those days prior to that relapse, I was having such good days. I want to bring those good days back this time.

    Anyways, I give today an 8.0 and urges a 1.0.
    Frijelkyro likes this.
  5. Day 3 - Tuesday, August 14, 2018

    Today was great!

    In the morning, I practiced piano. In the afternoon, I went swimming and waterskiing with my friend.

    I had a great time with my friend. I didn’t know how much waterskiing makes you tired. I haven’t been waterskiing in many years so I didn’t remember how it felt. But I got the hang of it and I had fun.

    In the evening, I practiced more piano.

    Tomorrow, I have my last piano lesson (assuming I pass the exam). I’ve been taking lessons since I was in senior kindergarten and now, I’ll be done them. Once I’m done piano lessons, I’ll have lots more free time and I’ll have to decide what I should spend it on.

    After that lesson, I have one week until the exam.

    Also, I’m doing a good job losing weight.

    Overall, I give today an 9.0 and urges a 1.1.
  6. Day 4 - Wednesday, August 15, 2018

    Okay, today wasn’t great.

    I didn’t sleep well last night.

    I had my final piano lesson today.

    I have my piano exam exactly a week from now. I’m expected to pass and I might do well if I practice effectively.

    I’m also experimenting with taking different types of showers (cold, warm, lukewarm). I think that I will alternate between them. I used to take just cold showers but they suck so much. It’s good to be adaptive.

    This weekend, I was going to go on a bike ride with my dad to a nearby village for lunch. Unfortunately, he can’t go so I’ll do another big bike ride on my own this weekend.

    Anyways, I give today a 5.0 overall and urges a 1.0.
  7. Day 5 - Thursday, August 16, 2018

    Today was okay.

    I got a good sleep last night.

    I practiced a lot of piano.

    I also went biking and I explored new areas.

    I did eat too much at lunch and for snacks.

    The exam is approaching! I can’t wait for it to be over!

    Once my exam is over, I’m driving with my grandfather to his place in Thunder Bay. I’m really looking forward to it. I don’t get to see him often.

    Once I’m done with piano, I’m going to try and continue learning German and Hungarian.

    Overall, I give today a 6.0 and urges a 1.0.

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