1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Blondewife, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    We had a great date night last night and made a beautiful painting together. I am feeling 100% better today than I have been the past couple of weeks. Haggis started journaling again and I think that was why I was having doubts. He journaled last night and I cried. I felt such a relief afterwards and I feel great now. He said he just got out of the habit but is going to be better about journaling again. I'm about to leave to hang out with my sister for a couple of hours and he will play his computer while I'm gone. We have a going away party for a friend tonight and then will come home and spend some more time together. We had sex this morning and I felt much more in tune with him than I have been feeling lately. I felt so uneasy and couldn't put my finger on why I was having those feelings. I guess it was just him being disconnected with this community. Everything seems to be back to normal with my emotions and he seems very happy today as well! :)

    Good luck everyone!
     
    The Eleven, hope4healing and Haggis like this.
  2. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

    1,532
    1,887
    143
    Welcome back @Blondewife ! Glad you made it through the rough patch. It's natural to waver every once in awhile. But what's great is the two of you have each other. That puts you way ahead of the game - and way ahead of most of us in here. You guys are the greatest and we're all happy to see you again.
     
    Haggis likes this.
  3. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    Hey Eleven! So good to hear from you!

    My days have been much better lately. Since Haggis started journaling again, I don't have the insecure feelings I had been having. I took an exam yesterday and think I got between a 94-96%! That feels really good because this class is HARD!

    Haggis and I hung out playing Rock Band very late last night. I have been trying to participate in activities that he enjoys a lot more than I used to. We had a lot of fun together. Now we are both at work and it is very quiet up here today for both of us. I know I am looking forward to getting off work and going home to start some dinner- I'm hungry for it only being 4:00.

    Don't have a whole lot to report today just that I am feeling 100% better and even though he may not realize it, he is doing better after starting to journal too! ;)

    Stay strong everyone!
     
    Gamerwife85 and Haggis like this.
  4. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    Today has not been the best-not talking about Haggis! Things with him are great. We spent the night making some Christmas presents to try to stay on top of things. He is wonderful.

    I however, made some bad decisions today. Against my better judgement, I texted my friend's husband to apologize for things I said about him that he read on her text messages. Those of you who read my journal know what I'm talking about. He got very sarcastic with me and then in the end told me that he didn't want me to have anything to do with their life and if she (my friend) wanted to be with him, she wouldn't talk to me ever again. It was quite a blow. I should never have apologized because I didn't do anything wrong (in my eyes) but I was just trying to salvage any part our our (my friend and my) relationship that we had left. Obviously it is none. He doesn't know but she has been emailing me from work and I have told her multiple times I don't know if it is a good idea because I didn't want to come in between them. Well, as I said, I made the mistake to try to mend things with him in a last ditch effort. It didn't work. I was heart broken today and had a short temper with nearly everyone around me.

    Good news... I thought I he a 94-96% on my exam on Monday (Pharmacology- a very difficult test) and I got a 100%! A perfect score! That did make things better.

    I appreciate the love and understanding that Haggis has shown me today even if I was short with him. He said he understood and when he went to bed we left with sweet words.

    We have another busy weekend ahead of us- as they seem to be lately. I am just happy with how far we have come and that we can spend time together now without being at each other's throats. :) We are two very different people so we still have our moments...but who doesn't? I feel very grateful to have him by my side.

    Good luck everyone!
     
    Haggis and DireMerl like this.
  5. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

    281
    508
    93
    Well done on your test :) that's amazing.

    I'm sorry to hear about things with your friend and her husband. Sounds like he's blowing things way out of proportion. Probably a case of his insecurities rather than any wrong doing on your part. Honestly if that was my husband of tell him to stop dictating who I can and can't be friends with. That's nothing to do with him. Although true, this probably doesn't lessen the pain you're feeling at being in such a situation. But don't feel bad that you apologised. Even if you didn't do anything wrong it shows that you're a good person who just wants to mend fences. There's nothing bad about that. If this guy had half your moral fibre you wouldn't be in this situation. It sucks but it's his problem. Don't let it make you feel bad about yourself xx
     
    Blondewife and Haggis like this.
  6. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    Thank you @DireMerl!

    So it seems that I have the flu. It is really irritating because I never get sick and this has really put a damper on my busy life. I have been sick since Saturday morning, didn't go to school yesterday and called out of work today. Oh well.

    Haggis' friend has been staying with us since Sunday because he had to come in town for work. I got the guest room all ready for him and have been cooking dinner and lunch for 2 men. I think it would be more enjoyable if I wasn't sick. I miss the one-on-one time with Haggis but his friend leaves tomorrow so things will start to get back to normal after that.

    Haggis is still plugging along PMO free and I am so happy about this. He is getting very close to a year free of it!

    All in all, things continue to go well with us.

    Good luck everyone!
     
  7. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    Starting to feel a bit better from the flu and am very happy about that. My voice still comes and goes but that's alright!

    I just read Haggis' journal and saw he had a hard time sleeping last night. He doesn't always tell me when he has trouble but this could explain his tempermental state on some days. His friend went home yesterday and we spent the night hanging out together- it was very refreshing.

    We are hosting Thanksgiving for his family at our house this year. I am very excited because I have always wanted to do this but also a little nervous because I am such a perfectionist. I am working on our grocery list because it will be a bit expensive to cook a whole Thanksgiving meal but it will be very lovely as well.

    Haggis is still clean and I am so thankful for that. This thanksgiving, I will have such great things to give thanks for- mainly his getting rid of PMO!!! Way to go @Haggis !!!!!!!
     
  8. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    Having some negative thoughts again today. He tells me he is clean so I need to believe it. I'm like a broken record with this stuff. I remember asking Limeaid months ago if she still had problems trusting her husband (who at the time had been clean for over 2 years). She said she still had moments of doubt even after that long ago. I know this is going to be a very long journey but I said I was up for trying to get through it when Haggis admitted his addiction.

    I also asked my older sister if she still had doubts about her husband (he is also a PA). They went through this almost 10 years ago. She said she had many doubts the first couple of years but no longer worries. So at least I know the end will come to all of my doubts and worries.

    When Haggis and I are out in public, I think I see him checking out women who may be dressed provocatively. He says he isn't so I guess I'm just seeing things that aren't there.

    I'm about to leave for class and then will head off to work.

    Stay strong everyone.
     
    Gamerwife85 likes this.
  9. seventyniner

    seventyniner Fapstronaut

    1,216
    1,118
    143
    Honestly, I don't think your goal should be to never worry again. I'm not sure if that is even possible. I don't know of any person at all that doesn't worry from time to time. Your long term goal should be to (re-)learn how to trust him despite your - albeit fewer - worries. To never allow myself to worry again would put an immense pressure on myself.

    I see a parallel to what Haggis, me and so many others of us are doing:

    - My goal is not to never lust again. To never have an urge again. For me at least, that's unattainable. It's out of my control! I cannot control my body to such a degree. My goal is never to act upon that lust. (I'm not talking about the good lust aiming at my wife, of course.) Commercials, movies, pictures, whatever: They will simply spark an urge from time to time. I need to acknowledge it, let go and move on.

    Worries about Haggis' integrity will be your companion for the next months. They will come sneaking in or at times even break the door. Out of no reason, or sparked by a particular situation or thought. But those worries do not inherently mean that something bad has happened! Don't waste your precious energy by fighting the worries. Use it to nurture that small spark of trust. Acknowledge the worry, breathe, and wait till the end of day when you and Haggis can talk about things.

    Sending you strength.
     
  10. Hi there @Blondewife, just checking in. Hope things are going well. :)
     
    The Eleven likes this.
  11. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    Thanks @seventyniner and @Gamerwife85! I have been living life lately and haven't posted in a long time. Everything is going very well. Haggis and I had our 4 year wedding anniversary yesterday. It seems like so much longer because we have been together for close to 10 but I am so happy to have him as my husband now.

    We went to a pinning ceremony for his good friend yesterday (he got pinned as a registered nurse). I took a final exam and got straight A's in all my classes. Woo hooooo! Although we would have liked to spend our anniversary just the two of us, I had school, he had work and we had a graduation to go to.

    The negative thoughts are few and far between these days. Haggis was just leaving work as I was walking in to work today (he wasn't feeling well) and I had a few thoughts that were negative but I worked through them and we had a nice night together. He went to bed early tonight because he was tired and sick but I woke him up for a little quickie and he didn't seem to mind!

    We are busy, busy with Christmas and finishing with all of the Christmas presents we have to make. We will make great progress on them this weekend and will get some much needed quality time together as well.

    Haggis is doing so well. He is so close to a year without PMO and I feel that we appreciate each other so much more since he quit.

    Thank you everyone for reading and for the continuous support we both receive!

    Stay strong!
     
    The Eleven, Haggis and DireMerl like this.
  12. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    It has been so long since I have posted, over a year and a half. Things are going okay. I graduated with my Bachelors in Science in December and continue to work part time and try to keep the house afloat. Haggis and I seem to be well most of the time but his work seems so busy and we have been having some trouble in the bedroom a little lately. It took me by surprise to be completely honest. We had been doing well for so long that I didn't expect the trouble we would have lately. He has been giving the same reasons for his lack of stamina/ED as he used to (when he was PMOing). He is tired, stressed, "it" got numb... but we can be "together" for less than 5 minutes and this happens. I don't want to think that he is back to PMO but even after 2 years, my mind goes back to that. Part of me wants him to read this and part of me is worried that I will add more to his stressful day if he does.
     
  13. Blondewife

    Blondewife Fapstronaut

    345
    492
    63
    Tonight was a little better. I talked to Haggis and he explained that work is causing all of the problems we have been having. We didn't fight at all tonight which is a nice reprieve. We have the weekend to talk a little more but he assures me that all of the problems are work related. I look forward to having the weekend with him and having a little time to talk.

    He let me know that he read my last message and I felt bad. He had been going through so much lately and tells me he is still clean. Why do I feel this way? At what point (after over 2'years) do I need to accept that he is clean and I may need help to move on?
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  14. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

    926
    849
    93
    Never. You may accept it but never assume it. But never condemn him always support him as long as he is fighting. Never let him think that he is able to get away with anything and he will not even try because he realizes how much you care for him and how much you want him to succeed.

    And struggling with work today may not be a whole lot different than struggling with issues two years ago and 3 years ago. A struggle is a struggle and we all need support.

    Please support him at the first sign of distress and not wait and wait and wonder if he's ok or not or needs your support or not.

    You appear to be a very wonderful woman for him to have in his life. May God bless you and bless him now and forever.
     
    Blondewife likes this.
  15. seventyniner

    seventyniner Fapstronaut

    1,216
    1,118
    143
    At any rate, welcome back! To both of you! Good to hear from you again.
     
  16. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    5,292
    101,895
    143
    My Journal
    It is helpful to read through this recent experience. Not even sure what made me check your posts on the random. My contributions to this site are about as sporadic as yours. It's somewhat uncomfortable to speak out of turn into your relationship, but I may be in exactly the right place to offer encouragement, even if a week late. Hopefully you just expressing those feelings already helped you. But, sometimes it is good to hear from others in the journey, even if you probably weren't just out fishing ;]

    In any case, foremost, your perspective is totally valid. That's the trauma of having a trust betrayed. More time will do more healing. My wife and I are on a couple extra years (with several not-so clean and 5+ a lot cleaner on my part), so I'm comfortable with that assurance. You guys are basically doing great overall and life isn't always rosy, so keep up the relationship work and happy times are always around the next corner -- as well as new challenges. You can get through everything together.

    Your post is a reminder to me that I ought not "expect" a certain level of re-trust earned back by my wife. She can't control those kinds of feelings creeping in, which they definitely do on occasion. And, earlier on, I'll bet my Mrs was shy about bringing up such things for fear of a) an irritated response, b) triggering some kind of relapse, c) because it's no fun to talk about, in general. Because it's all a nightmare, more so to the wife, and one that shouldn't have to be in the way. This whole problem is unnatural. It grieves me how much pain I've caused, and more so how much was a personal affront out of selfish rebellion and disregard. And, due to my past hurtful actions, I ought to be more understanding and protective of her feelings. It may not be the healthiest outreach here, as compared to in person, but it can be ok as a sounding board or a trial run.

    I'm not super big on personal details, and I do totally respect how you have been similarly tactful over the years. But, it makes sense to mention one thing I remember posting about a ways back... In my recent "cured" experience, there are actually natural tides and seasons to the whole intimacy thing. What's great is those do exist, though, if that makes sense. Because, in the indulgence cycles of addiction, it's like hot/cold only with just needyness and numbingness (if not even depravity and isolation). If stress is showing through, on either side, then that's the optimal place for true emotional intimacy. Your husband needs you, part of that is to ride out the stressmania waves of life. Not rescue him from everything, but he'll do a lot on his own strength with the assurance of you by his side. And, to my point on a bit of revealing insight, the stress showing through would only be doing so due to a well-rebooted state. I don't think it's something to fear, but almost maybe more to be embraced.

    As we grow older, doesn't the physical shift over (gradually and not completely!) into more meaning in those other levels or horizons of relationship connection? Hopefully these observations make sense as an encouragement. Thanks for providing rare insight that will be useful in my relationship as well.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2017
    Blondewife and freedomwarrior like this.
  17. ZenYogi

    ZenYogi Fapstronaut

    1,357
    1,493
    143
    What're your thoughts on no O during sex to retain female/male energy?
     

Share This Page