My Journey to Freedom

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by NTG, Oct 7, 2018.

  1. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    I'll keep this short.

    Discovered NF about 3 years ago and have been struggling with PMO on and off ever since. It's affected my dating life mainly. When I was PMO'ing all the time, I actually dated more women but it came from a needy place. Always craving orgasm. Even in my relationships, I barely connected with the woman.

    Oddly, once I started one-off streaks, my dating life is worse. Probably cause I go through intense highs (desire to socialize with people, women and truly connect with them) to relapsing and experiencing the lowest of lows of withdrawals (depression, anxiety, apathy, just bad flatlines). I'm currently in a flatline now and it's awful. A beautiful reminder of what binging does.

    I've gone through periods of 30+ days with great benefits and stark realizations of how deep I was in. It was like living for the first time. Clarity.

    I want to get back there but continue further. I believe recovery is what to strive for, not perfection. I have ways to curb urges but if all else fails, masturbation (without Porn) is permitted.

    I will check in twice per week starting out. I'm using another forum for my dating pursuits so hopefully keeping it public will hold me accountable.

    I appreciate the community here. Thanks for the support.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2018
  2. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Been sick lately. Major fatigue, aches and desire to sleep. Still withdrawing, I know it.

    I’m going through a career transition as well so being in my bed, depressed and sick is usually welcomes a relapse.

    Not going to though. At 30 years old, These days I’m stronger when it comes to this demon. With any addiction, the door needs to be slightly open. I’ll keep it closed.
     
  3. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Man, I feel like the flatline is slowly subsiding. I know how this works though. It comes and goes.

    I had some vivid porn dreams last night. Was on the verge of a wet dream but didn't happen.

    Been holding it together today. Stronger feeling in my genitals. Feel like some sense of libido is coming back but it feels mainly that desperate craving for release, not true libido.

    Focus on the sensation of the urge helps. Just knowing it will pass.

    Man this is a strong drug. I'm worried about the weekend because I go out and drink with my buddies and that's a trigger.

    Need to stay strong and grounded.
     
  4. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Flatline is still here. Less anxiety and depression but just no social/sex drive. No desire to get work done either.

    I feel like it will slowly come back. I remember these days. Usually around the 17/18 day mark I feel something.

    I just want that drive again. This sucks. I will keep checking in.
     
  5. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Was proud of me last night.

    Went out with my roommate knowing we would drink and have fun. Alcohol is definitely a trigger for me.

    Didn't feel like going out but went out anyway. To be honest, when I talk to people I literally feel nothing.

    I've gone through this phase before. It's awful. You just feel numb. No pleasurable response to anything including conversation. Brain fog, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts. The usual. Not to mention so indifferent towards women.

    Regardless, managed to have an ok time. My buddy was getting along with this girl so I headed out.

    Usually, this is when urges will creep in but I was fine. I recognized my state, sobered up and walked home.

    Stupidly, I took a caffeine pill before we went out so I was up till 7am, couldn't sleep.

    Was browsing on my phone and stuff but was completely aware of my triggers (I've removed a lot from my phone to help.

    Eventually fell asleep, now getting a bunch of work done today as I work on a new project. Excited about this one (bout the only thing that gets me excited lately).

    Peace
     
  6. Twickers

    Twickers Fapstronaut

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    I'm in a similar position to you ts as in I seem to be able to get to he 30 day mark before relapsing. Once you get to the 25 sort of day mark I feel so clear and on top of everything but at the same time the urges get so intense it is literally on my mind every other thought and it gets too intense to control. Having this website to look at daily seems to help keep me focused and remind me what I'm doing. Best of luck to all of us I guess.
     
  7. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Right on man. Ya we've experienced similar things. I used to spend too much time on this site and nf reddit using it as a substitute for porn. But it does serve a good purpose. It reminds me of my journey and why I'm doing it. So now I keep my time on here to 10 min per day.

    Best of luck man. Let's power through the 25 day mark!
     
  8. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Woke up in much better spirits today. It's a beautiful day outside so I'm gonna sit outside and get some work done.

    Love waking up with a cup of coffee to a cool, crisp day. Makes me happy. I feel my mood is elevating otherwise. Slowly crawling out of this first flatline. I know there will be more in the future but I will cherish my time for now.
     
  9. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Felt great yesterday. Stronger walk, Better Eye Contact, More Friendly, Better Clarity, More confident.

    Feel like brain fog is finally lifting. Also found out about a great job opportunity I want to take advantage of.

    Woke up with a cold today. Making sure I stay present and aware. Being sick is a trigger. I’ll make it through because I’m strong and dedicated to this goal.
     
  10. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Still sick today, but feeling slightly better. I wrote my resume yesterday and applied for a job I’m interested in.

    As my dopamine receptors repair, I’m noticing higher interest and joy in things. Higher level of focus and retention too.

    Still no strong sex drive though, guess that will come later.
     
  11. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Had some strong sexual dreams last night. About women, not porn. That's a good sign.

    Some intense morningwood, loved it. For a second, had the urge to MO but didn't.

    I love this power too much. My sexual strength will only increase as I harness it.

    Still have a cold at this point so I am resting at home.

    Man I can feel my healthy libido rising. Will channel my sexual energy into productivity or talking to women.

    2 options. Keep it simple.
     
  12. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Man slept for 10 hours as I recover from this cold. It's a nasty one.

    I'm slowly improving and proud of my resiliency as I am forced to be home all day.

    Barely any urges and if any it's just to MO, not look at Porn.

    Regardless, as soon as the thought comes in, I redirect it back to being present.

    A little frustrated though that I'm still sick. It's just taking a while to get my strength back.

    Went for a walk today, was such a beautiful day. I love Fall.

    My walk was very strong, a confident walk. Still some social anxiety but nothing major.

    I can only go up from here. Excited to keep taking the next steps on my journey.
     
  13. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    The mornings are the toughest. I had a weird porn dream last night about me typing in keywords and watching a video.

    So fucked up.

    Had other sexual dreams as well.

    Over the last 3 years, I've really worked on not fantasizing and staying present. So it seems my most challenging times are in the morning right after waking up.

    Man the morning wood I get is intense. Only struggled with PIED when I was a heavy user so its strong.

    MO still affects me so I want to avoid that too. But my main goal is to get rid of Porn.

    These days I just want to eradicate it completely because it's affecting my confidence and contributes to my anxiety.

    Did notice last night how much more confident I feel talking to my roommates.

    Strong stance, solid eye contact and convicted by my words.

    These are the little things that make a BIG difference to my confidence. And provide a nice boost as I continue this journey. I love the benefits.

    Also, I'm enjoying reading a lot more. I can focus for much longer periods of time.

    Might be going out tonight. Still recovering from this cold so not sure if I'll drink. Drinking is always a trigger so I will make sure to be present.

    Tired of being sick, really affects my energy level. Hopefully will recover soon.

    Peace
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2018
  14. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Challenging night. Went out with a buddy, had a lot of fun.

    Got pretty drunk though. Came home and my guard was down.

    Ended up looking at a few instagram pics but didn't go further luckily.

    MO'd without looking at porn. Close call though. For me, MO is permitted if its the last resort so for me that keeps my streak alive.

    Heavy alcohol is such a trigger. From now on, when I drink heavily, I will make sure my phone is nowhere nearby. It will be left in the living room. I can't trust myself.

    Feel a bit of a chaser effect today but nothing serious. Onward and Upward.
     
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  15. DhreeTee

    DhreeTee Fapstronaut

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    Keep at it! Let's see how we feel after a few months of NF!
     
    NTG likes this.
  16. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man! All the best to you as well
     
  17. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Still can’t shake this cold. Went out on Friday night and drank. Also drank a bit yesterday. Bad idea, I feel pretty congested again. Really need to stay warm and rest. No more drinking until this is gone.

    Relaxing today, need the rest. Will get some work done as well. Had a very strong urge earlier and was close to opening a private tab and I did...but went straight to this forum lol. This will be one of my replacements. So glad I did.

    Onward and Upward.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2018
  18. lissomejourney

    lissomejourney New Fapstronaut

    I relate to this completely. Appreciate you starting this journey and sending support your way, brother.
     
    NTG likes this.
  19. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for commenting. I'm here for you anytime man. Let's battle this together!
     
  20. NTG

    NTG Fapstronaut

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    Feeling pretty damn good today. Got great sleep.

    I feel my cold is finally waning so I can get back to exercise and healthy habits this week.

    Strong energy in my balls too. It's that "motivating energy" between the legs. I recognize it and welcome it.

    Great meditation session too this morning. Excited for this week!

    Onward and Upward.
     

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