My Journey to Being P-Free

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by P-Free, Apr 28, 2018.

  1. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    First entry! :) I'm really glad I found NF. It's totally opened my eyes to my addiction and done away with the last bits of denial. Admitting to myself that I am a porn addict and not merely an "enthusiast" was really hard. After reading through the information on the site, not even I could rationalize it away anymore. I'm looking forward to starting my reboot. I'm going full hard reboot for 14 days. I want to have that victory under my belt before I go further. For me, having a stepping stone victory really helps me tackle bigger challenges. I know I'm ready. I know I can do this. And, I just got a super cool AP today!
     
  2. Sad_but_true

    Sad_but_true Fapstronaut

    Hello P-Free, Im relatively new to the sites and processes but want to wish you good luck in your efforts. The best advice I can give right now is to keep busy and if its possible add exercise to your daily routine it helps you to feel better about yourself get in shape and makes you tired so you can get a good nights sleep.
     
  3. Jim2015

    Jim2015 Fapstronaut

    Glad to see your new journal here! Great step in the right direction!!! :)
     
  4. DoubleBurgerWithCheese

    DoubleBurgerWithCheese Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the journal ! Looking forward to more.
     
  5. Protagoras

    Protagoras Fapstronaut

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    Welcome. I too am glad you have found this spot of encouragement and brotherhood. HERE are some things helping me.
     
  6. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    Hello, @Sad_but_true Thanks for the advice! I'm definitely adding the gym in this week. Good luck to you, too!
     
  7. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    Thank you, @Jim2015 ! I appreciate the support! :)
     
  8. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    You're welcome! There will definitely be more. :)
     
  9. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    Thank you, @Protagoras ! I appreciate the welcome! And thank you for the advice!
     
  10. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    Day one done! It feels good to have that first step. It was a different feeling, not PMO'ing because I'm in recovery as opposed to not because I was too busy or didn't feel like it. It was kinda like PMO was now "forbidden fruit" and we all know how tempting that can be. When you "can't" do something, sometimes it makes it more appealing. I was tempted a few times, but managed to resist. I thought about other things, reminded myself of how important this journey is to me and to my life, and did stuff to keep me busy. Day two is off to a good start, too. Knowing my AP is there helped, too. We make a great team!
     
  11. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    Two days in and feeling great! Well, feeling great about my recovery. Yesterday was busy and I ended up with a tension headache, which quickly became a backache, too. Fortunately, I'm seeing my chiropractor today. Even though I was in a fair bit of pain, pre-nofap I might have PM'd for the (temporary) release of pain via endorphins/dopamine. Not yesterday, though!

    I have "de-pornified" my life. All DVDs are gone; all downloaded movies are deleted; all bookmarks on my phone are deleted; all pictures of guys that turned me on are deleted; I've told a friend who runs an amateur porn site that I won't be on it anymore, but still want to be friends (so far, so good); I'm waiting to hear back from one Twitter friend about staying in touch (minus porn stuff) before I delete my Twitter porn account. It was a major undertaking that last a few hours, but it feels really good having that stuff gone! I can't wait to get rid of the Twitter account! I check to see if he's replied every day (I sent the message Sunday), but I DON'T look at anything but messages! If he hasn't responded by Friday, I'm deleting the account anyway.

    My AP and I have set up a good plan for support if urges hit during the night, as well as things we can do if we can't reach each other for some reason. I'm feeling really good about this whole journey!

    Today begins day three. Ready to rock it!
     
  12. Sad_but_true

    Sad_but_true Fapstronaut

    @P-Free your killing it! getting rid of all that temptation is a step in the right direction. And just a tip but working out also releases endorphins and dopamine. With your back pain though I would recommend anything too rigorous maybe elliptical or long walks.
     
  13. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    Thank you, @Sad_but_true ! I really appreciate it! :) Working out is definitely a good source, I agree. The chiropractor will fix me tonight. It hurt so much yesterday that even a walk around the block was out.
     
  14. JackMcWaffles

    JackMcWaffles Fapstronaut

    A major undertaking indeed, but it sounds like it will be worth it! I'm still trying to root out the lingering artifacts of porn in my life, but I've definitely removed the "troublemakers" so to speak. Good job on day 2! :emoji_thumbsup:
     
    Mr_Curious, zig, db001 and 3 others like this.
  15. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    Thanks, @JackMcWaffles ! I was surprised at how much there was, honestly. And the different forms of it. Just when I thought I'd got it all, I'd think, "Oh! There's that bit..." I'm glad to hear you're making progress on getting rid of it, too, and have already tossed the "troublemakers!" Thanks again, and keep up the great job! Six days! :):emoji_thumbsup:
     
  16. Jim2015

    Jim2015 Fapstronaut

    Way to go...especially with the de-pornification. That is essential!

    I like to try to follow what I call my "wife test." (You would probably want to pick someone else...daughter...mother...significant other...perhaps). If I want to look at something online or on TV, I ask, "Is this something I would be willing to watch with my wife???" The answer is sometimes very convicting!!! And puts me back on track before I start to fall. Maybe you want to use something similar as you view websites, or as you determine what stuff to get rid of...??? Just a thought...
     
  17. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    Thank you, @Jim2015 ! I appreciate it and thanks too for the "wife" test. Great idea!
     
  18. DoubleBurgerWithCheese

    DoubleBurgerWithCheese Fapstronaut

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    It's not easy, but it helped me as well.

    Yes. I did have "regrets" later, but for me it's about time. Putting time in between the urge the the ability to get to the porn. It might only be a few minutes, but that can be enough for me to change my mind and not find porn.

    Even having to turn my filter off reminds me of why my filter is on there in the first place.

    --> L
     
  19. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    It was harder for me to actually remember all the sources than it was to get rid of them. Most of them, that is. There were some regrets while doing so, especially in deleting bookmarks/videos/pictures. I know you'll understand when I say it felt like deleting "old friends" in a way. Especially the bookmarks. I would see the name and think, "Oh... no, not that one," but I knew they had to go. I'm still finding a few pictures on my phone that I missed in the purge. As I discover them, I delete them, too.

    I haven't installed a filter yet, for two reasons. One, I haven't felt the need (that could always change, of course) and two, most of the good ones I've researched tend to get "overzealous" in blocking content. I don't want to run into situations where I need to see an article (say, on sexual health), or even the NoFap site, and have to shut a filter off in order to do so. If it turns out I need one, then I'll have to install one. I'm going to give it a go without for now.

    I find myself looking forward to my Friday deadline for deleting that Twitter account. My friend hasn't seen the message yet, and if he hasn't by Friday... well, I have to do what's right for me and my recovery. On a somewhat funny note, it's amazing how well I can navigate Twitter on my phone to see if he's read the message without looking at any imagery.

    I hope you have a great day, my friend!
     
  20. P-Free

    P-Free Fapstronaut
    Moderator Assistant

    So, day three is in the can, as they say. Done, over with, and successful. There was one moment of temptation as I pondered the issue of Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (HOCD) after reading a post about it being caused by porn viewing. At first (and not meaning to start a debate here), I was thinking the whole idea sounded impossible. Then, I remembered some of the porn my addiction escalated to, one video in particular. I won't post details, of course. I'll just say it depicted something that, if I witnessed it in real life, would involve me physically intervening on behalf of one of the parties involved. Yet, that particular video was very arousing and viewed somewhat often. That got me to thinking that there may be some validity to the HOCD theory. I still think that, for the most part, HOCD is a way for men to avoid facing their sexuality (I remember how difficult is was to accept being gay myself); however, after the realization of the aforementioned video... I have to admit that HOCD is likely valid in some cases.

    Back to temptation... I'm a very thorough thinker when it comes to analyzing things. Therefore, I analyzed that video (the subject matter, not actually watching the video) before coming to any conclusions. Of course, analyzing the subject matter brought the video to memory in vivid details and I started to feel aroused. I realized that and quickly dropped the subject and focused on something non-porn related. The temptation and arousal passed very shortly afterward.

    Today begins day 4 and I'm feeling good. The non-pmo related stress of the last two days is much better today. I'm feeling mostly back to "normal." Most of the tension-related pain was taken care of by visiting my chiropractor last evening.

    I wonder (a little bit)... even though yesterday was the first day I felt anything remotely resembling an urge, and I'm still very early into my reboot, is it possible that some of that excessive stress was caused by going pmo-free? I'm interested in anyone's opinion on this, if you feel like sharing.

    Have a great day, my fellow Fapstronauts! Keep up the amazing work!
     

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