I haven't actually posted or written here much since I've joined the group some 2 to 3 months ago. It's been on my mind to begin journaling as I found that it had helped me earlier this year where I had managed an extended period free of the filth (By His grace). I had not made much progress over the past 2 to 3 months. I would be free for 6 to 8 days before I went back to the gutter. In fact, I went ahead and committed the act yesterday. Today marks Day 0 for me. The idea sickens me but I do not dare to say I know how to hate sin as how my Lord hates it. Although, I do want to hate it. I'm still learning that a zealous love for God results in us disliking anything that could threaten our fellowship with Him, leading us to hate sin. Any other way I try to cut it would not be comprehensive enough. This isn't something I know how to do well -- I know how wilful I could be in this matter. But I'm willing to bring this wilfulness into the light. I'm willing to bring this misplaced love for the rot into the light. Right now, in the form of this journal. I've seen and tasted how the Lord is good on countless occasions this year. I heartily desire to be in the right spirit to once again commune with Him. I pray that this would not be empty words any longer. I pray that I'll wholly rely on the Spirit to be more than a conquerer as I continue to stand up and walk further in and further up in our Lord Jesus Christ.
[QUOTE="The idea sickens me, but I do not dare to say I know how to hate sin as how my Lord hates it. Although, I do want to hate it. I'm still learning that a zealous love for God results in us disliking anything that could threaten our fellowship with Him leading us to hate sin; any other way you cut it would not be comprehensive enough. This isn't something I know how to do well, I know how willful I could be in this matter.[/QUOTE] You described the nature of growth there. Outside of some exceptions for some people, most of us experience growth in an area (and overall) as nothing more than a thought or feeling at first, a seed planted. Growth is when that thought or feeling spreads, gaining strength and power to consume us. Sometimes we groan from the pain of it, other times we wish it would grow faster, but no matter what we desire in the moment, it steadily continues. I see a young sapling in those words. Give it room, time and space, and it will grow.
Thanks for the encouragement, Soulherb! Entry Two - Day 5 A short check-in on a Saturday to remind myself to stay the course; with eyes focused on the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. There is a vulnerability every Saturday. I often find myself with more hours than I need to recharge, and I don't always rest well and neither am I productive on this day-off. It is to counteract these two realities that I'd like to start the day off journaling on a Saturday at least for the next few weeks. Hopefully this will help me to reduce the clutter in my mind, to exercise how to bring every thought captive to Christ and to keep my hands from being weak to obey and follow God. May it also be a growth journey to appreciate and deepen my love for the Lord and my joy in the Lord. The past 5 days have been all right although I have felt a little bit more weary than usual perhaps because of work and some perennial struggles that I'm still learning to put down and let God. There were a couple of rather intrusive thoughts which I prayed against and they were promptly negated. It is my prayer that God will be with me throughout the day. For me to know that there is One who I can rely on, should I find myself perplexed by precipitous changes that may occur circumstantially, mentally or even spiritually. God bless!
Be strong my friend! God will give us the victory agaisnt this sin. I´ll be praying for you, and you can pray for me also. Bless.
Will be praying for you, @newtry! Entry Three - Day 13 "O taste and see that the Lord is good; How blessed is the man who take refuge in Him." - Psalm 86:5 God has indeed been good to me. Writing again this Saturday to remind myself that it is for freedom that Jesus has set me free. He has been so faithful even when I am unfaithful. I am never in lack. The resources, help, people and personal exhortations He has brought to me by the Holy Spirit have been so timely and amazing. I pray that I'll continue to keep Him front and center in all that I think, speak and do. Lord, help me keep my eyes on You alone. You are my all in all, my great treasure. Amen.
Entry 4 - Day 0 I relapsed today. I confessed to God about it, and I'm looking to Jesus to hold me close now. A few reflections: 1. I always act out on the lie when I don't steward my free time alone and guard against boredom. 2. I let my insecurity and lack simmer underneath the surface without being challenged. I do this instead of always choosing to bring it to God. 3. I think a quick look is harmless. I think 2 or 3 quick looks are harmless. Next thing I know, I'm down in the dumps wondering what had happened although it was so obvious I had chosen to start on the wrong path and continued in it. Self-deception at its best. 4. My spending time with God hasn't been consistent. 5. I take it that because I've been free for the past n days that means I can coast through to victory. I am forgetful that the grace I stand on must be sought day after day. I must choose Him step after step. I pray that He will grant me the grace to take seriously repentance. This time wiser and more rested in His love for me. He can be trusted.
Entry 5 - Day 3 Woke up with some bad thoughts today. I foresee that it might take all the trusting in God today to get through, nothing different. I know that as I keep trusting God with this and keep surrendering to Him in this area, He is able to get me through.
No. Wrong. These things must be nipped in the bud. Don't think you can make it easier by starting with "harmless" things. The urge will be a little bit less maybe. But to get out then, being strong enough to keep beeing clean by watching "harmless" stuff, is very harder than to keep beeing clean without "harmless" stuff. So no "harmless" stuff any more. Having been free for the past n days means nothing. You are still vulnerable. For reprogramming the body you need a very, very long time. So never think you are over it. Just fight every day, be aware of it and fight. That means keep the grace You have in mind and choose Him.
Entry 6 - Day 6 I failed last week and went ahead to sin despite having entered an entry here. I remember how despondent I felt after the act and how costly it was to sin against the Lord. I hope that I won't forget that feeling that always comes right after a fall. If it is good for anything, I hope it trains me to be motivated by the fear of the Lord as I progress with Him in this journey. Fast-forward to today, I experienced no temptation today despite spending the whole day largely at home this weekend. I know that days like these are really extra grace; grace upon grace already extended. I thank God that He shows me such mercies. I do not want to conceited, however. I know how easily a tempting thought can invade and I know how much more easily I could fall should I entertain such thoughts even by just a little. What helped me today was really pouring out my heart to the Lord for something else that had gripped my heart this afternoon. Apart from this, like many others who have had to go through this period, I may still find it difficult to spend time meaningfully since at least one of the reasons why I was addicted to the filth had to do with boredom. I imagine that there are a couple of things I am interested to do but procrastination (Could be tied to some mistaken perfection I must embody) is an issue that I have to still surrender to God daily.
You are truly my brother! We have walked so much of the same path and taken so many of the same steps. I continue to work on "redeeming the time." The Spirit has directed me wonderfully. I am not always quick to respond when he does, though. I continue to learn!
Entry 7 - Day 13 Thanks @Tao Jones, I thank God for how you've kept me accountable and provided me accountability as well. === Saturdays are like any other days. God has the victory in my life every other day, so why not Saturday? There's nothing special about Saturday that could make me more prone to entertain sin. There's no power in Saturday that can cause me to do any thing differently from the rest of the week where God has been my refuge, a strong tower; leading me gently by His love and keeping watch over me. Lest I make much of the temptations I face on Saturday, I want to put things in the right perspective. Saturdays are just like any other days. His victory ensues in me. Everyday. Even this Saturday.
Entry 8 - Day 21 I'm so thankful for God's presence in my life. I realized I don't say this enough with all my heart. I sometimes doubt. The narrative goes something like this: "Why shouldn't I doubt? How secure can I be in God? Look, the sins of my past were so great, how could I possibly come to God all filthy, broken and altogether worthless? I would be lucky just to be on the fringe of being saved; how could I be worthy enough to uphold the amazing destiny that He has for me?" It's not hard to see why I turn to PMO and other addicting behaviours. I lick my own wounds, I try to find my own healing salve for my aching soul, I try to fix broken things by myself only to end up breaking them some more. I look for a kind of salvation that I can bear and am comfortable with, not the one that God has wrought, which is absolutely mind-boggling Before long, the spiralling hopelessness takes shape. But in those moments of doubt, it's all about I. What I can do, what I can be, what I should do, what I should be. I, I, I. Lately, I'm becoming more aware and perceptive about this death-producing narrative in my head. Since when was life about I. Was it and has it not always been about the Great "I am"? He calls me to Himself. He looks upon me with a love that - Yes, I'm so undeserving of - But, He delights over me because of His Son. He is pleased with me. He is for me. He shelters me. I am a new creation in Him. And when I feel as though I have incurred His wrath, I misunderstand! He disciplines me because His love for me surpasses all measures. Nothing that I do will allow me to escape His love. He is just that reliable! He is just that awesome! He is just that awe-inspiring! And I think that this might just have been the hardest thing for me to boldly proclaim and hold fast to. But I have to because it is true! He really loves me, (sometimes) more than I am willing to accept - Though, I strive hard to comprehend and be found at rest of this great Truth in faith. It's different now. In any other circumstances, it might even have been right for me to think the way I did. But this is not any other circumstances, this is God's Word. What He says stays true to the end, it never fails. In view of such a great promise and the One who has conquered all things and will reconcile all things to Himself. How can it still be about me? How can I still hang on to my past thinking sickly thoughts? No! It's not like that anymore. The weight of my past, my failures and my doubts no longer count, they were put behind because it is not I, but Him! And by His power, He enables me to earnestly strive to understand more and more about His sovereignty, love, grace, peace, and joy. Sometimes, this may mean I suffer, I am persecuted, and all the time, denying myself. Yet, so be it. It is no longer I. It is about the great "I am".
A Spirit-given insight. Marvelous stuff. When we let ourselves go so that we can embrace the Lord, life gets so much better. And we do not need to worry about picking ourselves back up ever again. He will take care of all of that better than we ever did. Cling to him, forsaking all others, including self most of all! God bless you, my friend and brother.
Entry 9 - Day 42 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God. --- He says "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
One of my favorite Sandra McCracken songs is Psalm 42 Redirecting our negative and unhelpful thoughts back to God is a skill I need much work on. This helps - thanks, brother!
Entry 10 - Day 55 I thank God for giving me yet another chance to stand firm as I wage war and kill this sin in my life while partnering with the Holy Spirit. Through and through, it is His grace and mercy. I rejoice because He really has been very patient and gentle with me. His love for me is nothing short of amazing (even when it is sometimes perplexing to act following from it. Nevertheless, He grants me the grace and delights in me when I act in faith). If this was anyone else, I think they would have given up hope on me. He never leaves me. He will never leave us for those of us who have responded willingly and heartily to His calling. It does get easier to say "no" when I am saying "yes" to God. It doesn't mean that the thoughts go away completely, but slowly, it forms a kind of "reflex" as I practice bringing them to Christ, and as I exercise this authority I have in my beloved Lord, Jesus Christ. As I experience small but assured victories in this area of my life, I know what complacency will do to me. I have been there. And I don't want to make the same mistake of thinking that this is no longer a problematic area - It can and may still be if I forget my place! I do not want to be conceited and so rely on my own strength to fight this. Any victory I may have in this area is from God and is to God. I write to remind myself that 55 days is still shallow waters. Yet, ironically, the days are not what counts. If I do not fight alongside with God, then I know this can just as easily turn into self-righteousness or a man-made religion - It's another attempt by which I try to draw close to God on my own terms, and boy, that has never worked in my experience. I want to be where Christ leads me and where He beckons me to come. Still, as these small victories accumulate into hopefully a permanent victory, I know He is not done with me. Goliath wasn't the only giant that David had to face. There were much bigger, more fearsome trials and tribulations that awaited him. Likewise, it is the same; there is always the next gnoll, the next apex to reach as long as we wait for Jesus' arrival again. Sinful patterns and wilful failures that are splotched across the fabric of my life up until now. These nooks and cranies that my Lord says He is going to end them, and redeem me - white as snow - as long as I look to the cross and pick up my own daily. Now, these "enemies" of mine plant their feet and taunt me in plain sight. Daunting and enervating it may be, I turn my face to Jesus who sets a table before me, anointing me with oil - His overflowing love and presence. Daunting and enervating it may be, but never so. He is with me. To Him be power, glory and dominion. His love never fails. Praise God!
Entry 11 - Day 0 Failed more in the mind than in the deed - In a sense, this is even worse. Nothing to be relieved about, but nothing to be wallowing over. I keep my eyes on Him who judges and has redeemed me. Restarting the counter as of today.
You had a real long period of noPMO before? I read Day 55 - the last time I reached that number was 10 years ago. Your long period of noPMO made me strong and helped me for my month a lot. Be proud of this long period and try - as good as you can - to have another very long period, maybe longer. Just fight! It is import to restart and continue the fight. Stand up, we need you!
