My Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by ATCR Perce, May 17, 2018.

  1. ATCR Perce

    ATCR Perce Fapstronaut

    So I wanted to start this journal to record some of the things I am going through and how I am dealing with it.

    Its been 5 days since my last O and 7 days since my last PM. I am just trying to give up PM since I have a girlfriend.
    The urges have gradually gotten stronger since my last O and it has been the worst tonight. I had anxiety about life and I was tired too and I had to sleep so I can get up early. So I had a major need to MO, not even P anymore, so I can get my mind off things, get a dopamine rush and get sleepy.

    But this cycle is just going to happen and again. I'm sick and tired of feeling the need to MO to fall asleep or to have different thoughts. The worst was that all of today, I had really strong thoughts about women and strong urges.

    So I couldn't just simply calm myself in bed.
    I felt aggressive and so I did a few pushups and ran out at 2 am in the morning. I went for an 8-minute run and I skipped rope for 3 minutes. During my run, I had a strong aggression and felt almost like an animal. Especially when a thought about the women's body came, I felt the urge and then anger. I was kind of growling fighting this thought off. I guess this worries me because it is such a bad behaviour to exhibit.

    After I came inside, I calmed my mind by going through what I need to do in the morning. Before I went for my ran, I also used the panic button which sort of helped, but it needs a section for anxiety-induced urges.

    I started reading this thread ( It had a great quote:
    "What count is that moment when you are having extremely powerful urges and everything is telling you to relapse. This is when it actually starts to count!".
    Therefore, I really needed this urge to fight off to get to the next stage of reboot. This makes me feel so much more at ease.

    I simply need to find a way to teach that stupid part of my brain that wants dopamine and will try anyway to get it

    "Your brain is trying to find a way to get to you relapse, it will use every single trick to force you do so and to get its fix."

    This article seemed pretty interesting as well:

    Lets see how this goes.
    The urge is gone now and I just want to sleep.
    I have head aches still. I wonder if other people feel this too.
  2. ATCR Perce

    ATCR Perce Fapstronaut

    So I had a porn relapse about 4 days ago which I think was a 1-month streak before it ended.
    It is mostly due to stress and anxiety.

    I've really come to realise that PM is like a drug.
    An artificial way of having a dose of serotonin.
    And like any kind of drug, this reduces your ability to notice the holes that form in your life.

    Ever since really reducing the amount of PM, I have come to realise many of my problems which I covered up previous with this drug.
    Now I'm angry at things that I should be angry about.
    I feel like really doing everything right.

    Since I've had this PM issue for almost 6 years, about the time my life went out of control, I also feel like I don't know how to control this much emotion.
    Some things that might have helped are expressing it to others in a logical way or rejoicing with happiness when I feel happy and letting myself feel sad when I'm sad.
    I think the danger is when I get angry, which is when I act irresponsible and immature.
    Therefore, all this time I thought I was mentally strong, but I guess now I can actually develop myself to become mentally strong and emotionally intelligent.

    I also wanted to mention that I want more romance now.
    This could be my reordering of priorities since romance is a very reasonable desire that my role models have.

    I think I need to learn about how my priorities and becoming reorganised, learn what triggers my emotions, learn what those emotions are and how to deal with them.
    I think I will also express these emotions a little more and see if that helps control them.
    Maybe its to acknowledge it, and acknowledge what caused it, and do something to reduce or increase the stimulus depending on whether I believe it is good or bad.

    I am enjoying this journey and although I have failed a few times now with M and once with P, I completely agree that abstaining from PMO is healthy and empowering.

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