My journal of degression!!!

Degression

Not to be a pessimist, but right now I do believe that about 90 % of us will be returning to their old ways.

How I know this? I'm a witness myself.

Biggest dangers of all time: loneliness, boredom.

I'm degressing horribly as if this challenge has long reached its top and is now falling downhill fast.

I'm back on full PMO today, 3 relapses, and have been doing similair the previous days.

My mind is so goddamn weak, it's even been weeks since I've done a decent push up. I can't get myself started anymore.

All the time, while doing NOTHING useful, I can hear the voice in the back of my head: 'this is not what you want, stop wasting your time', but the voice is just not strong enough, I am NOT strong enough to do this alone. Well, It's the first time that I admit this. I thought I could handle it. SOmewhere along the way i guess my motivation lost its strength and I'm full in the pervy sh*t I thought myself retired from.

Soon I'll be moving in with my father for a while, this is really a good thing. I will put my laptop downstairs, not even plug my tv, and just spent a lot of 'desire' time, with him or taking walks.

CHANGE YOUR ENVIRONMENT!!! that's just what I think is necessary for all us guys, too weak to fight ourselves.
I'M HAVING A BAD F*CKING DAY, in which I can do everything I want, but instead I CHOOSE to sit at my laptop, play games, play poker, watch youtube, eat junkfood and PMO.

MY MIND IS WEAK. It's true, I'm weak. You're strong? Good for you, I thought it too. I turn out to be weak. I was temporarily strong but it didn't last, and who am I kidding, during the challenge I was continuously looking for alternatives to O.

EVEN ONE OF MY BEST FRIEND WAS AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER, we talked about it, I motivated him to try to quit, we started it together, very quickly that motivation wasnt good enough anymore. We even made a funny punishment rules, that rule was not followed up upon, I think it might be as hard for him as for me. I don't hear from him anymore.

AGAIN, MY MIND IS WEAK AND PRONE TO ADDICTIONS AND LAZINESS. I have to face this because I'm in some cognitive dissonant illusion that I'll be fine.

ONE LINE MOTIVATIONAL SENTENCES DO NOT HELP. So don't give them. I am nothing with them.

I NEED TO DRASTICALLY CHANGE MY WAYS. NOT SLOWLY. SUDDENLY. DOnt talk about plans, or think about them, do them!! Immediatly!!

I RELAPSE WHILE I DON't WANT TO RELAPSE. How f*cked up is that basically? I'm in this illusion that I am free and strong , but I am a weak prisoner, nothing more.

I DON't CARE ENOUGH. I really don't. How else can I so easily succumb??

lastly, EVEN THOUGH I WRITE THIS I ALREADY FEEL IT WILL BE EASY TO GIVE IN TO MY NEXT RELAPSE. How the F*ck do I even stand a chance then??

I HAVE TO BE AGGRESSIVE TO MYSELF. Scream NO to myself and hit the wall, have a cold shower, force myself outside. 'CALM ME' IS NOT HANDLING THIS ADDICTION. THIS ADDICTION ENSLAVES 'CALM ME'. FORCE YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR USUAL HABITS. FORCE YOURSELF. the body loves it's dopamine and comfortability, it seems so natural to give in.

THIS FIGHT IS F*cking HARD. You basically have to fight yourself, so however strong you think you are, that's exactly how strong the addiction is. Your addiction will take advantage of every opportunity, just like you, be honest, you're fighting your coward self, and it wins. And it makes you feel like Sh*T.

I AM BEING BULLIED BY This addiction. And it laughs at me everytime I relapse.

THE ADDICTION IS TRYING TO MAKE ME QUIT THE FORUM. 'you're well on your way, you don't need the advise of the forum people, they are all wrong, only I know my body' 'a lot of people do fine with PMO'

Haha, this is my rant. Useless, powerless. Peace