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My husband won't stop omitting thing.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Onelieatatime, Sep 15, 2017.

  1. Onelieatatime

    Onelieatatime Fapstronaut

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    In the past he omitted his bathroom breaks too so long because he was watching porn.

    Then he would skip YouTube videos while I'm around and watch them when I left the room. I told him if he can't watch them in front of me then he shouldn't be watching them. This was about 2 months ago.

    This week he skipped a YouTube music video because he knew it was provocative and didn't want to have to stop listening to this song. I pointed it out that it would be easy to replace music video videos with just audio on youtube. But at this point if he is still managing himself with some provactiveness then I am ok with it. It his addiction after all.

    Today I asked if there were girls in his group class in college. Because yesterday he only used male pronouns. Then he says yes there are 2 girls. I ask why he has never mentioned them. He mentions the guys and occasionally says "someone" said or did this in our group. But never a girl. He says he doesn't want to worry me.

    Well, omission worries me. How am i supposed to trust someone who can't tell me something or avoids it.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  2. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I know what you mean. Omission purposefully feels like there is something to hide.
     
  3. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    He may not have been able to have only males for his group assignment.
     
  4. I'm dealing with the same issue. Omission is lying, period! Half-truths are not "some truths", they are some facts mixed with lies. Talk to him about it. Half-honesty is NOT honesty.
     
  5. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    god I hate this addiction. it destroys so much... burns such a wide swath. even really, really good guys get so engulfed in shame and the mind-fuck of porn that they can't even tell the truth. I have been that guy and I hated myself for it.

    ladies, your good man is still in there somewhere. I hope they decide to pull their heads out and frontally attack this thing before they loose all that is good in their world. I hope you can learn to respect them again some day.

    I'm sorry for your experiences and pain. I'm sorry it has diminished your man in your eyes. this whole thing just sucks.
     
  6. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I am having a really hard time with this one in particular. He's doing everything right now, but something is just gone that may never come back.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  7. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    so sorry. the kicker is that respect is the single most important thing a husband needs from his wife - and this addiction makes that sooooo hard. I totally get it - everything about this addiction is pitiful, and unmanly, and utterly not worthy of respect - from the pmo itself, to the lying and hiding and etc. the men are literally killing the thing they want most.

    try to have hope. if your husband is "doing everything right now" then he will eventually be worthy of your respect again someday. try to think of it not as "something is just gone that may never come back" but rather as something that is damaged, but can heal with time. try to communicate that to him so he can have hope of that someday too. you certainly have no obligation to do that - it would just be nice.

    and there is no reason for you to rush it at all. it might take you years to rebuild even 50% of the trust and respect. that's ok. I wish there was some magic pill for all this. it's just a hard, uphill journey for everyone.
     
  8. Onelieatatime

    Onelieatatime Fapstronaut

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    It's not that I don't want him to be around a female . It's that he won't tell me. He tip toes around saying "she and her" and instead says "someone, a person" but then when he talks about the males, He uses "guys, He, him". So he is intentionally leaving out female pronouns.
     
    Hopefulgirl and Deleted Account like this.
  9. Exactly!!! Same here. I have even complained to him about it. I REALLY don't understand why they do it. Especially that right after he says "a person", I ask "a woman?", because I already know... SMH
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Thank you. I really appreciate your words here and your perspective. You've given me something to think about. :)
     
  11. Onelieatatime

    Onelieatatime Fapstronaut

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    He says he doesn't want to worry me. But all he is doing is hiding something which makes me feel like there is something to worry about. I have guys in my classes and i have no problem mentioning them to him. I don't avoid the male pronouns.
     
    anewhope and Deleted Account like this.
  12. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Don't fall for the old I'm protecting you I don't want to upset you. He's protecting one person himself. He does not want to deal with your feelings.
     
  13. I will win

    I will win Fapstronaut

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    Have a talk with him, and see what's going in his mind.
     
    BBWolf000 likes this.
  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Having a talk with someone who is not willing to be honest or open with you, is pretty fruitless and quite frustrating. You can create an environment for that person to feel comfortable being open with you, but ultimately the decision to do so is about them. Often what I got was stonewalled, meaning if I asked questions he did not answer he would just sit there and not answer, or just agree with everything that I said. What is even more frustrating is to have him fight with you about what is or is not him omitting things. So I think that until this PA is ready, no amount of talking will help and it may prove more frustrating to the SO than it is worth. And by that I mean when you have someone who lies, and omits continually you end up getting so angry and frustrated that you are unable to create that safe environment. The PA's idea continues that if what he says does not please you or is not what you want to hear, you get mad, so he just keeps lying. Many people that are PA are also pathological liars. Sometimes they do not even realize that they are lying and they will omit and lie about things that don't even matter! If this is the case (as it was with my Pa ex) counseling is really needed to break the habit and it is VERY difficult to break.
     
    anewhope and Deleted Account like this.
  15. BBWolf000

    BBWolf000 Fapstronaut

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    GG2002: I want to make it clear what I'm saying doesn't have anything to do with you or your situation, just a response to your quote.

    I disagree with this mentality, in regards to restoring or working on a relationship. You have to try to talk with one another, even if its fruitless, uncomfortable or painful at first or for quite a while. IMO communication is the only thing that will bridge the gap that is created in a PMO hindered or otherwise generally "Trustless" relationship. I'm not suggesting force each other into situations that you know will turn hostile or emotionally fueled, but having the desire to understand your SO's mentality with the intention of healing not "catching them" is really key to building a stronger bond.

    I'm sorry your relationship has been affected in this way; it really sucks. I can only imagine the perspective of a SO but can speak to this as someone on the other side of the fence. Sounds like your man knows he messed up in the past and that his actions have created tension in your relationship and now he recognizes a hyper sensitivity around "other women" in general. It could be a woman at the grocery store who trips and spills her cart, a female co-worker who told a hilarious joke or (for the specific example) a girl in his college class who let's say makes a controversial statement. In his current state of mind, he won't feel comfortable sharing any of these stories with you because he thinks that it will automatically jump to a place of jealously, anger or frustration. He's torn though because he really wants to share them with you because they were funny, powerful or unique experiences he had, so he just changes or omits some of the details, thinking this is a great solution to both his issues. He is omitting because he thinks it's what is best for your relationship. I've been in this position myself before and it kind of feels like you're living under a microscope, having to censor everything you share with your SO. The solution to this issue isn't a bigger microscope. It's heading the opposite way and shifting our perspective from Micro to Macro.

    If you have it in you, maybe try to relieve some of this tension and pull back the microscope from your SO. It might be very therapeutic for you to address this with him in a healthy, positive way by sharing with him that you found it frustrating how he omits little things and that you'd prefer him to just be 100% about other women moving forward. Explain to him how what he's doing is actually making you feel worse then if he just told things how they were. Do it with love, compassion and a smile in your heart and I'm certain things will improve :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2017
  16. Sunshinestar88

    Sunshinestar88 Fapstronaut

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    Omission would worry me like crazy. If it's something harmless then I don't see why it would be a hard thing to tell you.
     
    GG2002 likes this.
  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I think the argument on behalf of the addict is they don't know they have to tell you they don't think it's important which is total and complete bs. They don't want you to know these things that's why they omit them. I think the easy solution is as an addict in recovery just tell your SO everything and of story. This may not be realistic advice for a relationship with a non addict but in cases of betrayal it is necessary. Addicts are extremely uncomfortable with this but they have to if they want to recover. As an SO it's a catch 22. I can see one reason addicts hide things is because they don't want to deal with your reaction. They can't process feelings yours or theirs. It is so uncomfortable. Which is why they often hide things that would not make us mad. They hide it all. While a SO has every right to react if you can not react as strongly when he tells you minor things that can help him to feel more comfortable. Bottom line these addicts have been lying for a long time it's really difficult to change it's a way of life, the lying and being honest puts them in a very vulnerable place they may not be ready to be. As SOs that may mean we need to leave. Sometimes our expectations will never. Be met by your current partner.
     
    BBWolf000 likes this.
  18. I will win

    I will win Fapstronaut

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    I don't think so. One of the major reasons relationships break is because of porn. Most women who are in a relationship thinks in this manner, which is, "I'm not enough". I see no reason to tell your partner about this addiction unless he/she will not be mad, break up with you, and help you.
     
    Idaho man likes this.
  19. MindfulAchilles

    MindfulAchilles Fapstronaut

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    I think that the fight he has is against the idea that this is a state that will remain the same, that porn will forever rule him. Your fight as an SO is against the idea that you're on a pedestal of perfection and he lost his own pedestal forever. Ultimately, trust is not something that "appears", but rather it is given by you and earned by him. It saddens me to see so many SOs obsessed with not being "too cheap", when in fact their reluctance to consider a future redemption of the relationship is what cheapens their resolve and character. I'm not trying to be mean here, but I seriously encourage you to think of what true human strength looks like. Whenever I read a story of a man who's clawed his way back to life from the bottom of this pit, and I see the woman behind the hope of redemption in that story - I'm deeply moved. That is a character I hope to have, and a love I hope to develop for my partner, willing to endure even the most horrible of situations.

    When you want to defuse a bomb, you don't go about it exploding on everything and destroying every little thing there is. This brings a lot of pain and as the side who's done wrong - you want to deal with it and not damage more the person you love with everything you have. It's hard to grasp that many times behind the 'deed' of porn use, there's a person who truly values and loves you dearly, who'd do anything and everything to make you happy and show you love. It's heartbreaking for us, the guilty who do love and do care, to not be able to have our word count for anything. It feels like someone clipped our tongue, and took the air out of our lungs.

    I loved my SO, and I still do. I struggled with porn and depression for many years, and fought it agressively because I knew there was no place for it in our relationship. She still chose to follow her friend's advice (based on a different experience with a porn user) and left, thinking that there's this checklist that I did not match, that only the 'perfect' fit. I knew I wasn't perfect, and she loved me - but this lie that there is no redemption and every case has to conclude with a breakup in order not to give cheap grace has to stop. The most valuable grace I've seen came from people who were uber-humanly able to love, restore and redeem their respect and support for the person they chose to love. I loved her, in spite of her shortcomings, and I hoped she did in spite of mine. I did what I could. I fought for it with all I had. Gave it my best. To her friend, I'm forever damaged and therefore a second grade person - someone who's never to be trusted again. That lie can stop with you, SOs. Because behind many of those weak, broken men are men who'll only be better and stronger because of this and because of your love and support.
     
  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    So you are saying lie? She will find out and she will leave you for lying even if she would not have otherwise left. You have no idea if she will support you if you don't tell her. No not all women hate Porn but yes if you are an addict it will cause all these issues . Not disclosing is not okay. If you can't be honest don't date.
     

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