My husband doesn't seem to want help

Hi Blarghen. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You will find, both on these public forums and the private spouses group, many of us SOs that have been in your shoes.

It sounds like the first thing you need to do is implement some boundaries and follow them with consequences. They are meant to be mental, emotional, and physical protections for you as he abuses his drug. Hopefully they will stimulate a change in him, as well. That is the ultimate goal. He may tell you that you are treating him like a child or punishing him, and indeed, boundaries and consequences do feel that way to addicts, but hold strong. Addicts will say and do most anything to be able to hold onto their addiction.

It's important to pick boundaries that fit his behavior and consequences that you will follow through on. No follow through means he calls your bluff and will continue in his behavior. Here are some links to get you started...

http://adammmoore.com/2014/06/12/defining-and-enforcing-boundaries-in-sexual-addiction-recovery/

http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/p/our-plans.html?m=1

The second link has some faith based info because she is religious, but also some really great steps to make boundaries, so even if you aren't a person of faith, there is a lot you can use.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this with your husband, and it doesn't appear like he wants to seek recovery. Know this is not your fault, but actually his problem. Your assumptions are right. It is about finding the right support group. In addition to SA, there is also SAA, and SLAA, probably even more I don't know about. They all have groups, usually many different ones in an area. Every group is run and operates differently. So while one group in SA may be those that are serious about recovery and checking in multiple times a day, others may only check in a few times a week. Every sponsor is different. So you are totally correct in thinking there is a group out there for him. Personally I appreciated the group I initially found, and also appreciate the group I found more recently. So I go to both. As for using the excuse of meeting with people that have done worse, that sounds like a poor excuse from an addict. The reality is if they did do worse than him, that should be a wake up call to him to realize where he will probably go in his acting out if he doesn't seek recovery and help for his addiction. The boundaries as suggested are a good start for you. Hopefully that helps him realize he actually has a problem and be willing to make changes for himself and by himself to overcome his addiction.

 

What Happened - Dr. Doug Weiss
This 5 minute video really helped me finally get it.
I had been "in recovery" for 5 years, seeing a CSAT counselor, weekly paid group therapy, LOTS of relapses and escalation in my addiction. After yet another discovery that blew open some long held secrets, I finally came to grips with the amount of trauma my addiction had inflicted on my wife that has been supportive, faithful and loyal to me for 30 years.
I've since then done the full therapeutic disclosure and for the first time in my life been completely sober for the last 3 months and planning to stay that way. We're working on rebuilding our marriage. Lots of work to do and she is heroic for being willing to walk through it.
We're both going to Celebrate Recovery and have found that to be helpful.

This addiction sucks. It blinds the addict to his immaturity, and causes a fracture that at least for me, made me feel like I was two people. I wouldn't let go of it, but I hated that it made me a complete hypocrite and liar.
If your husband will watch it with you, the video might help him to understand what this is really like for you. It's part of a two hour video that is really good and worth the $55 if he wants to move forward.
I know this is so hard for you and I am sorry. I'll pray that he can have his eyes opened to what this is doing to you and to himself.

 

I suggest a support group...for you. Give S-Anon or COSA a try. Tell them your story. I bet you will find many spouses who have a similar story. They will be able to help you. I do agree with setting boundaries and consequences. However, so often is pursued by the spouse in a effort to affect change. While this could happen, the real purpose of boundaries are to keep you safe and sane.

If you don't want to go, ask yourself why. You are the spouse of a porn/sex addict. You definitely qualify per the third tradition. Then, see if you can relate to any of the reasons he doesn't want to go:

- desire to minimize the problem (I'm not as bad as the others)
- projecting (I'm not the one with the problem). Remember, you are the one with the problem relative to S-Anon. You are the spouse of an addict.
- shame and secrecy (If I go I have to admit something about myself or my marriage I don't want to admit)
- self-will (I want to fix this myself, I don't need help).

Not trying to turn tables on you. I'm seriously trying to offer you help. It sucks to be in your position but there is help.

Oh, and many addicts who see their spouses going to support groups often eventually follow suit. This should not be your reason for going, you should go for you. But it does happen.

Also, as you grow stronger in your recovery, some tension will build between your recovered self and his addict self. It will be uncomfortable but much more so for him.

As you recover, you will see how to act rather than react to situations in your marriage.

I hope this helps.
Peace,
-Quinn

 

SAA has phone mtgs.
When you call
there may be further options suggested?

If nothing else,
a phone all to someone helpful
is so good.

Edit: am hoping the SO support groups
can accommodate with phone mtgs.
or conversations...